Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?... I couldn't even get on the ******* bed.."
fiance ECW (Ex City Wife) friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after a day at the gym and vigorous clothes shopping. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. "Father" he confessed "it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month." The priest told the sinner "You are forgiven... go and say three Hail Mary's." Soon after, another Irish man entered the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months." This time the priest questioned "Who is this Fanny Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood" the sinner replied. "Very well" sighed the priest, "Go and say ten Hail Mary's." At mass the next morning - as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon - a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny, emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, just enough for them to realise she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Fanny Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes".
An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two young girls, hitch-hiking. We ended up in a Premier Inn where I gave them both a right large portion.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man: 'What sins?' Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' Man: 'I'm Jewish.' Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
Superman was flying around thinking, "I need a shag". The Man of Steel was gagging for it. He passed over Gotham City when he saw Batman, so he flew down for some advice. "Hey Bats, who's a good shag?" Batman replied, "Well Super, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comic-land, why don't you try her?"
"I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends, so I don't really want to take advantage of her" "Damn shame," said Batman, and waved goodbye to Superman as he flew off. Ten minutes later he was flying low over a city when he saw Spiderman swinging from rooftop to rooftop.
He flew down. "Hey Spidey, I'm cruisin' for a piece of arse, who's the best shag in comic-land?" "Hey, Big S, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best shag in comic-land, why don't you try her?" "Well we are sort of friends," he said, "but I didn't realise she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later he was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air Superman was tempted. "Goddamn it!" he thought to himself, "I'm faster Than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here." So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone.
Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a glazed expression. "What the f%^k was that?" she exclaimed. "I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "But my arse is killing me."
While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “Wait two week. Faw off by itself!”
Finally picked up this little beauty in the pub. I told her we were going to do it good, proper and hard in the kitchen, the living room,the bathroom and the bedroom. She was well up for it saying " wow you have got some serious stamina!" She did seem disappointed when we got back to my caravan though.
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question,
Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us and..."
DJ: "She saw?"
Brian: "No, no I didn't..."
DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your answer, please?"
Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."
Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."
DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"
Sarah: (short pause) "In the ar*e."
(long, long pause)
DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."
At a local Winery cellar door, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the warehouse wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink. He tried it and said, "It's a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in large old barrels. Low grade but acceptable." "That's correct", said the boss.
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, new oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.."
A third glass...
''It's a non-vintage pinot champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabbit over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: " I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit.
Fella talking to his mates " it was the best day of my life - it was a lovely sunny day when I arrived a bit late at the church - the organ was playing - the two families were seated on each side of the church - my wife was already at the alter - I went down and kissed her on the cheek - and then I shut the lid "
Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack.
As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind.
The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it.
During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.
Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"
Young boy sat in class scratching his crotch. Teacher asked him what’s wrong. Embarrassed, he said he’d just been circumcised & was itchy. Teacher told him to go & ring his mum for advice. He comes back with his **** hanging out! Teacher asks “what on earth are you doing”? “Well miss, mum said if I could stick it out til lunchtime she’d come & get me”
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the National Health Service,a guy decided to have this next test carried out privately while visiting friends in Brighton, where the nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.
As he lay naked on his side on the table and the nurse began the examination."Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection." said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection," said the man."No, but I have,"replied the nurse.
Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said " I want to try the wheelbarrow position tonight" His wife asked "What's that?" Paddy told her "You bend over, put your hands on the floor, then I pick your legs up and take you from behind ! " His wife said Hmm okay, I'll do it on two conditions:
First, if it hurts, you stop immediately, and second, we don't go down past my mothers house