Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:32:33 GMT -5
What do you call a wife that has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:52:23 GMT -5
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. No NO you really do have too many shoes.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:57:38 GMT -5
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
Answer:
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. **** Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2014 0:06:27 GMT -5
The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
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Gimpy
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Posts: 6,459
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Post by Gimpy on Mar 11, 2015 12:30:09 GMT -5
Two policemen (Constable Ken and Bob) call the station on the radio. "Hello. Is that the Sarge?" "Yes?" "We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean." "Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
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Gimpy
Lieutenant
Posts: 6,459
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Post by Gimpy on Mar 31, 2015 7:53:47 GMT -5
What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer.
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Gimpy
Lieutenant
Posts: 6,459
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Post by Gimpy on Apr 3, 2015 19:47:52 GMT -5
HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS BITCH
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'' A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''
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graham
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Posts: 4,149
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Post by graham on Jul 28, 2015 12:34:27 GMT -5
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."
"Oh, he still is," replied one of the mourners. "As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."
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Gimpy
Lieutenant
Posts: 6,459
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Post by Gimpy on Nov 24, 2015 17:00:30 GMT -5
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,759
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Post by MalcolmR on Oct 1, 2016 10:35:42 GMT -5
I've just bought my wife one of those pit-bull terriers as a birthday present. Despite the big jaws, huge teeth, bulging eyes and fat belly, the dog really seems to like her
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
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Post by MalcolmR on Oct 1, 2016 10:36:37 GMT -5
I told my mate that I think my wife is having an affair. "I'm sure you're imagining things," he said, "But to make sure nothing's going on, I'll stay with her at your house while you're at work." He's the best mate anyone could ever wish for.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Oct 7, 2016 11:47:33 GMT -5
I wouldn’t say she’s been married a lot but the church is trying to get her to pay for a new aisle carpet.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Oct 7, 2016 11:53:02 GMT -5
There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it. The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Oct 7, 2016 11:59:24 GMT -5
What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Oct 7, 2016 12:00:51 GMT -5
I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Dec 8, 2016 10:23:30 GMT -5
"Do you remember that row we had twenty years ago when we sat down and each wrote down a list of the others faults?" I said to my wife.
"Oh God yes, I still have mine somewhere" she said with a giggle.
"I've just finished mine", I replied.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Jan 1, 2017 13:53:56 GMT -5
I live my life like a medieval knight.
Every night I sleep with a battleaxe by my side
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graham
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Post by graham on Feb 20, 2017 18:15:05 GMT -5
A couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Beth replied, "Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason."
Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "Beth, I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"
Beth said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Beth asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I do recall that," says Chuck. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," Beth said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 43 more votes...?"
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 5, 2017 9:43:31 GMT -5
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured Princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so." That night, as the Princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't fucking think so..
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,759
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Post by MalcolmR on May 12, 2017 14:32:25 GMT -5
My wife crashed her car into a bloke on the way to work this morning. When the police turned up, she said he had been texting and drinking a beer at the time.
The police said he could do whatever he liked in his own conservatory.
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
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Post by MalcolmR on May 17, 2017 11:54:31 GMT -5
I said to my four-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?" "Miaow!" "Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?" "Woof woof!" "That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?" "if you even think about going out to that fuckin' pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back into this house!" "That's my boy."
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,759
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Post by MalcolmR on Jun 17, 2017 12:29:21 GMT -5
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junky car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But hey I got to sleep every night with a hottie, a 23-year-old girl.
Now ... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. So I said to my wife "it seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,149
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Post by graham on Jul 7, 2017 17:06:24 GMT -5
I went to a wedding reception and all the married men were asked to stand next to the person who made them happiest.
The barman was almost crushed to death...
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,759
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Post by MalcolmR on Sept 12, 2017 7:57:22 GMT -5
I went to see the RED ARROWS yesterday. There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief. It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show.
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Gimpy
Lieutenant
Posts: 6,459
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Post by Gimpy on Nov 12, 2017 13:44:00 GMT -5
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, "Which book has helped you most in your life?" She replied, "My husband's cheque book.
A prospective husband in a book-store enquired, "Do you have a book called, “Husband – the Master of the House”? The sales-girl promptly replied, "Yes sir, 'Fiction' and 'Humour' are on the 1st floor."
Someone asked an old man, "Even after 70 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey' and 'Love'. What's the secret? The old man replied, "I've forgotten her name and I'm too scared to ask."
A man in Hell asked the Devil, "Can I make a call to my wife?" After making the call he asked how much he had to pay. The Devil replied, "Nothing; in-house calls are free."
The wife said, "I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day." The husband replied, "I wish that you were a newspaper too so I would get a new one every day."
The husband said to his wife, "Today is a fine day!" The next day he said, "Today is a fine day!" Again, the next day, he said the same thing: "Today is a fine day." After a week, the wife became irritated and asked her husband, "Since last week, you have been saying, 'Today is a fine day!' I am fed up with it. Why are you doing it?" The husband said, "Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I'll leave you one fine day'. I was just reminding you."
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Gimpy
Lieutenant
Posts: 6,459
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Post by Gimpy on Nov 16, 2017 20:10:27 GMT -5
Six retired Italian Floridian friends were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table!
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?”
They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”
So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to come home.”
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.
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Gimpy
Lieutenant
Posts: 6,459
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Post by Gimpy on Dec 20, 2017 18:42:59 GMT -5
“With cigarettes, my wife and I, we made a deal. We only smoke after sex. I've got the same pack now since 1975. What bothers me is my wife. She's up to three packs a day.”
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,149
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Post by graham on Dec 30, 2017 7:23:21 GMT -5
The wife said "You haven't been listening to a word I said, have you?"
I thought "That's a strange way to start a conversation."
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Gimpy
Lieutenant
Posts: 6,459
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Post by Gimpy on Aug 15, 2018 6:37:10 GMT -5
At breakfast a man asked his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?
She replied, "I'd take half, and then I’d leave you.”
"Great, he said. I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,149
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Post by graham on Sept 8, 2018 16:20:19 GMT -5
I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women.
I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?
She replies: Why?
I say: You'll see in 20 seconds...
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