MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:32:57 GMT -5
CarolineMary » Mon May 26, 2008 10:59 am
One day a woman comes home to find her husband masturbating in the kitchen.
So she gets on her knees and gives him a blowjob.
When he's shot his load and she's swallowed the lot, he said "Wow, that was great honey, thanks!"
She said, "No bother, it's just easier to clean my teeth than it is to mop the floor again."
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:33:57 GMT -5
Marciemc » Sun Sep 14, 2008 12:23 am
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man,” Can you name your wife's favorite flower? "Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. ( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word...An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it! was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:34:56 GMT -5
Marciemc » Fri Sep 19, 2008 12:49 am
GOTTA PEE
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business theyproceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... my wife came home with no panties! That's nothing said the other husband, Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:35:30 GMT -5
Gimpy » Sun Sep 21, 2008 3:24 pm
My Wife gives me 100% sound advice...99% sound, 1% advice!
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:36:08 GMT -5
Marciemc » Wed Sep 24, 2008 10:10 pm
I am sure you have seen this before, I think it is so funny I have to post it.
UCLA STUDY (VERY INTERESTING & SHORT)
A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating , she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating , or menopausal , she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:36:36 GMT -5
CarolineMary » Fri Nov 28, 2008 5:25 pm
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
He said, 'I found the remote!'
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:37:14 GMT -5
Gimpy » Fri Jan 23, 2009 9:55 pm
A woman, her husband and their three rambunctious young sons were in their car waiting at a traffic light. The woman glanced over at the car next to them, noticing a blissfully happy mother with her baby daughter.
Looking at her husband, she said, "As soon as I lose my weight from the last baby, I want to try for a daughter."
The husband reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of snacks and said, "Here, have another cookie."
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:37:48 GMT -5
Shack » Fri Jan 30, 2009 11:19 pm
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6! I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User
THE REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed and further, Wife 1.0 does not allow roll-backs. Please make sure you read the section entitled Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. Installing the background application "Yes Dear" may alleviate some of the frustrations, but the best course of action is to install the antivirus APOLOGIZE.
Although it tends to be very high maintenance, Wife 1.0 is a great program that does offer several Live Services such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use may cause the system to deploy Nag Nag 98. Should this ever happen, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0. WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Thank you for your condinued loyalty and we wish you the best of luck,
Technical Support Manager
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:38:46 GMT -5
Shack » Mon Feb 02, 2009 8:51 pm
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." She did and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, and women will flock to him."
The woman replied, " That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman, and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she became the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, " That's okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM she became the richest woman in the world!
The frog asked her what she would like for her third wish. She said, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.!!
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:39:19 GMT -5
Shack » Wed Feb 04, 2009 7:37 pm
It was the happiest day of his life.
He arrived at the church,
His wife was waiting at the alter,
He walked up the aisle,
He kissed her on the cheek...
He smiled....
and gently closed the lid !!
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:40:19 GMT -5
Shack » Wed Feb 04, 2009 10:57 pm
Bobbitt Family Update
In a recent news broadcast, the commentator announced that police arrested Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with .......
A misdewiener!
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:40:55 GMT -5
Shack » Fri Feb 13, 2009 5:13 pm
Fatal things to say to pregnant wife
17. "I finished the Oreo's."
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."
12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant...
1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:42:50 GMT -5
by Shack A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.
She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:44:19 GMT -5
The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Wed Mar 04, 2009 11:26 pm by Shack Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator. Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he`s one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom."
The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid."
At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher`s husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn`t call until much later in the day.
The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse`s husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man`s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. "Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse." "Son, don`t ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, `You`re not sanitary, you`re not sanitary`."
The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator`s husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man`s hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed. "What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices." "Son, don`t ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, `Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up`."
Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher`s husband would be calling at any moment.
Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher`s husband called for breakfast. Jeff couldn`t believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple`s room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs. "My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?"
The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it`s to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, `We`re going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right`."
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:45:08 GMT -5
The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2009 12:04 am by Shack A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:46:01 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Sat Jul 10, 2010 5:53 pm by Char A gearhead sought marriage counseling: I've suspected for some time that the wife is cheating on me... the usual signs, phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up; going out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the garage. When she came home she got out of someone's car, buttoned her blouse then took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment when, crouched behind the Harley, I noticed it; a hairline crack in the engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:46:28 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Mon Jan 24, 2011 2:21 am by Gimpy I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota . She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window. She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:46:59 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Thu Mar 10, 2011 2:05 am by Graham An Amish man and his son had to visit the big city. Whilst they were there they went into a tall building and saw two strange metal doors which slid apart to reveal a small empty room and then closed again.
"What are those doors, father?" asked the son.
"I don't know," he replied, "I've never seen anything like that before."
Just then a fat middle aged woman walked up to the doors and stepped inside. The two men watched as the numbers above the doors lit up in sequence, going higher and higher, then the numbers stopped climbing and descended again and a moment later the doors slid apart and a beautiful young blonde woman stepped out.
"Son," said the father, "go and get your mother..."
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:47:46 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2011 8:47 pm by MalcolmR I've suggested to my wife that we hire a blonde, big-titted, 19-yr-old Swedish au-pair, to help with the children.
She thinks we should try the infertility clinic first.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:48:26 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2011 7:20 pm by Gimpy A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...
Doctor: "What happened to you?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweetened tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow.
Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor.
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweetened tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:49:15 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2011 3:37 pm by Gimpy One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast' . Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded .
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer . 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out .
' Cathy ', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker . 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!
'guys just never learn, do not piss off the woman'
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:49:41 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2011 7:56 pm by MalcolmR On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.
Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...
... and stuck my cock in her mouth.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:50:16 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Mon Jul 04, 2011 6:47 pm by Graham A man was driving along one day when he was pulled over by a Police Car.
"I've been trying to catch up with you" says the copper, "did you know your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
"Thank goodness for that," says the man, "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:51:08 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2011 10:29 pm by Graham A husband and wife are looking at their finances.
She says "You know, if you tidied up after yourself a bit more often and did some vacuuming we would only need the maid to come in once a week and save money."
He says "If you would give me a blow job or take it up the ass occasionally we could get rid of her entirely and save even more!"
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:51:34 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2011 2:45 am by Gimpy 50th Wedding Anniversary
Dick and Sandra were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.
Sandra said, "Will we go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon?"
"Uh huh," said Dick
"Will we do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Sandra .
"Uh huh," said Dick.
"And will we make love like we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Sandra.
"That's right," said Dick, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:52:06 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2011 5:05 pm by Gimpy The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is.....
One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table
when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:52:37 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2012 5:44 pm by MalcolmR My wife and I share the chores in our house.
For example, in the kitchen, she does the cooking and I have to eat it.
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:52:56 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Sat Feb 11, 2012 8:27 pm by MalcolmR You know you're married when the neighbours dog shows more interest in your balls than your wife does.
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,754
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:53:26 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Fri Mar 02, 2012 10:39 pm by frodi How Adam got Eve
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?' Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion And that it would be a woman. He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food fo...r you, she will cook for you, And when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children. And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. 'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.' Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?' 'An arm and a leg.' Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib Of course the rest is history..... .......!! !!
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,754
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:53:54 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Wed Jun 13, 2012 5:00 pm by MalcolmR When I was sent to prison, I said to my cell mate, "I won't be in here long."
He replied, "Well the judge did give you 6 years."
"Yeah I know, but my wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a fucking sentence before now."
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