MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:54:28 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 12:01 am by Gimpy The phone rings, and the wife answers.
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight asshole with no hair."
Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:55:07 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 6:53 pm by Gimpy Why I Still Call My Husband Honey
An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names". The elderly lady hung her head. "I have to tell you the truth," she said, "His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is".
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:55:28 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 9:30 pm by Graham An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:55:51 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 2:38 am by Graham A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget.
Furious, she screams, "You promised you wouldn't cheat again!"
The husband replies, "For f*** sake, can't you see I'm trying to cut down...."
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:56:17 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 10:17 pm by Gimpy And God promised men "that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world". Then He made the earth round....and laughed and laughed and laughed...
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:56:39 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2012 11:05 am by Mahesh The human body has 7 trillion nerves. My wife manages to get on every fucking one of them.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:57:03 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2012 4:42 pm by MalcolmR It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"
... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:57:30 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 3:10 pm by Graham Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married...
* * * * *
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls.
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT.' He didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh, sh*t, cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted!'
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:58:01 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Sat Sep 29, 2012 2:22 am by Gimpy Definitions - COMPLETE vs FINISHED
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words "complete" and "finished" in way that is easy to understand.
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED, but there is:
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE...
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED...
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:58:20 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Sun Sep 30, 2012 1:24 pm by MalcolmR I've got a terrible speech impediment.
My wife won't let me get a word in edgeways.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:58:51 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2012 3:08 pm by Gimpy An old but beautiful story of marriage and the communication between a husband and his wife.
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:59:30 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Thu May 23, 2013 1:04 am by Gimpy And it came to pass that an angel came up to three newly-dead men and said- "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said- "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge." The angel next looked at the second guy, Jon, and said- "You were not as sinful, but you still cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon." The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said- "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands,crying."What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 15:59:59 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Thu Aug 15, 2013 1:58 am by Gimpy A recent article in the Kentucky Post, reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St. Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did, was correct his eyesight."
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 16:00:30 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Mon Nov 25, 2013 10:36 pm by frodi Since splitting up with my girlfriend, I've been feeling pretty lonely at times. Last night it came to a head, lying naked and horny in bed I did something I haven't needed to do for quite a long time. I rolled over and cuddled the wife.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 7, 2014 16:01:05 GMT -5
Re: The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE] Posted: Sun Mar 02, 2014 12:46 am by Gimpy The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
(you are going to love this..)
>
>
" What's for dinner, Zorro?"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2014 11:59:14 GMT -5
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ’Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2014 11:59:45 GMT -5
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2014 12:03:05 GMT -5
The wife suggested i get myself one of those penis enlargers...
So i did....She's 21 and her names Lucy..
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2014 12:10:41 GMT -5
I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later
I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards,
gets in the car and fucks off
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2014 12:22:38 GMT -5
My wife told me obesity is in her genes, i said it was rubbish because she looks fat in a skirt too.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2014 12:32:04 GMT -5
My wife told me she was leaving me because of my obsession with the Monkees-I thought she was joking and then I saw her face
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2014 4:23:24 GMT -5
I had a minute silence at my wife's funeral.
Just because I finally could.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:18:30 GMT -5
Went out last Friday and got drunk out my mind, i woke up to this ugly fat sweaty bird who was snoring grunting and farting, i thought thank god for that at least i made it home!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:34:41 GMT -5
My wife said she's leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with plants. I said "where's this stemming from petal" ??
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:35:10 GMT -5
My wife says I'm immature and i have to grow up soon! ..Like that's going to happen so close to conker season.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:40:33 GMT -5
My wife left as she didn't like the way I was always stroking pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni now.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:40:55 GMT -5
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:41:19 GMT -5
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:54:03 GMT -5
Dear Deidre. I'm about 3 years into my relationship now and am starting to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas about how to treat the problem.She bought me some viagra and I've bought the fat bitch a treadmill.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:02:24 GMT -5
After 25 years of marriage, my wife and I have got into S&M - she Sleeps and I Masturbate
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