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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:14:30 GMT -5
I had a bit of luck last year.
I got home and said to the wife 'Pack your bags, I've won the Lottery.'
She asked 'What shall I pack for, summer or winter ?'
I said 'Just pack 'em... and **** off.'
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:14:59 GMT -5
My wife's awkward.
I told her I was taking her on a world cruise.
She said 'I want to go somewhere else.'
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:15:24 GMT -5
We've been married for 40 years and still go out to dinner twice a week.
I go Tuesdays, she goes Fridays.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:16:03 GMT -5
Our sex life was going downhill a bit, so I said to the wife 'If you were to errr...shave.... it could get me going.'
She was in the bathroom for over half an hour, and came out with a bald head.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:16:26 GMT -5
Me and the wife had an argument once over sex before marriage, when we came home early and caught our 17 year old daughter at it with her boyfriend on the settee.
I said to the wife 'It's not fair having a go at her, I shagged you before we were married'
She said 'So did your mates.'
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:16:53 GMT -5
My missus says she can tell how good a film is by how many tissues she goes through watching it.
Strangely, I have a similar system.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:18:34 GMT -5
I won't be shagging the missus this weekend, it's that time of the month..
Payday.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:18:52 GMT -5
My wife is so fat that when she steps on to the scales it says "TO BE CONTINUED..."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:06:13 GMT -5
The wife has been missing a week now
Police said to prepare for the worst....... So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 23:09:41 GMT -5
Man wakes up and asks his wife...do you want a coffee or sex?... she says.. I'm not bothered, they'll both will be instant.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 23:14:37 GMT -5
Husband says to his wife, 'Grab your coat, it's beer o'clock' She replies, 'What, you're taking me to the pub?' He replies, 'No, I'm switching the central heating off'
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 23:20:25 GMT -5
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 23:20:48 GMT -5
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 23:21:18 GMT -5
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesday's, I go Fridays.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 23:21:54 GMT -5
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 23:27:09 GMT -5
Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically,100% of all divorces started with marriage.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 23:27:38 GMT -5
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 4:03:42 GMT -5
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?".... I said, "Dust!"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 4:04:11 GMT -5
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 4:04:41 GMT -5
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 4:22:30 GMT -5
I said to the missus the other night, 'I think we'll try some new positions tonight.' and she said, 'ok, you stand up here all night ironing, whilst I lay on the settee burping and farting!'
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 4:23:05 GMT -5
The wife's just bought a pair of Meat Loaf knickers,on the front they say "I Will do anything for love" on the back "But i wont do that"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 4:29:41 GMT -5
my wife got run over one day. when the driver appeared in court, the judge asked him why he couldn't have simply driven round her. the driver replied he didn't have enough petrol!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 4:32:50 GMT -5
i'm not saying she's a bad cook or anything, but when she makes a stew, there's a line of pigmies at the back door, waiting to dip their poison arrows in it!
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2014 2:21:04 GMT -5
2 men are sitting in the pub talking about their respective wives, and one of them says "I hate my Wife, I wish she was dead". The other man says, "Why don't you have here killed then, I know someone who will do it for you"."Surely that would be expensive" says the first man, but the other man reassures him that he knows someone that would do it cheap.
So the next day they go to meet the hitman. "Hello, my names Art" he says, "but everyone calls me Arty, please tell me what you want me to do?". So the husband tells him that he wants his Wife killed, but can't afford to pay too much. "That's alright" says Arty "I hate women, I do it for you for a £1".
So the husband gives Arty details of his Wife, telling him that she is a creature of habit and always goes to Tesco's everyday at 11am, and that she always wears a green coat, with matching shoes, handbag and scarf.
The next day Arty waits beside the frozen food isle at 11am waiting to pounce. He sees a woman come in all dressed in green exactly as described, so he creeps up behind her, puts his hands round her neck, and strangles her to death. He is just about to leave, when he sees another woman also all dressed in green. Nevermind thinks Arty, I hate women so I'll kill her as well, which he does, again strangling her from behind.
And the next day the headline in the papers reads "Arty chokes 2 for a £1 at Tescos".
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2014 2:26:57 GMT -5
The wife suggested i get myself one of those penis enlargers...
So i did....She's 21 and her names Lucy..
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2014 0:33:24 GMT -5
Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2014 0:33:40 GMT -5
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2014 0:34:01 GMT -5
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says,"Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2014 0:52:21 GMT -5
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop op, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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