Computers and Tech Support

[frodi]

Top Ten Ways To Tell That You've Been In IT Too Long:



10. You're so tired you now answer the tech line, "Hell."

9. You setup an e-mail rule that automatically moves all incoming mail to your deleted items folder, which activates another rule that deletes the deleted items permanently. All of these steps make you feel powerful, somehow.

8. Visions of the upcoming 3rd-person shooter marathon weekend you have planned with your friends helps you make it through...er...Monday.

7. You instinctively bring your ID badge to parties so you can compare security clearances.

6. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your email-order bride, has arrived.

5. You prefer your handle to your real name and actually investigate legally changing it, but decide to wait until your parents die so they won't be upset when you do.

4. Your bookmarks take 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

3. When, after fooling around all day with routers etc., you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

2. You start laughing hysterically when the topic of computer reliability is brought up.



And, the number one way to tell that you've been in IT too long:

1. It's always too late when you realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no idea where your children are.

[frodi]

Judy was having trouble with her computer. So she called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tony clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. "An ID Ten T Error? What's that...in case I need to fix it again??"

He gave her a grin... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?"

"No," replied Judy.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

(She wrote...) I D 1 0 T

[frodi]

Deleting Files

Whats the difference between MAC, Windows, and UNIX when trying to delete an important file?

A MAC says, "I'm sorry, this file is important and it would harm your system if you delete it."

A Windows machine says, "Deleting this file may cause some programs not to run on your computer, are you sure you wish to delete it?"

A Unix machine says, "Woops, you fucked up!"

[frodi]

A very successful IT Contractor parked his brand new Jaguar XJ-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out of the car, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore the driver's door off the Jag. The IT Contractor immediately grabbed his mobile phone, dialed 999, and in less than 5 minutes a policeman turned up. (No that's not the joke).

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the IT Contractor started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up that day, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it like new again. After the IT Contractor finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you IT Contractors are," he said. "You're so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing, just look at my car!" said the IT Contractor.

The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" he screamed. "My Rolex!"

[frodi]

Actual e-mail conversation between the folks in hubby's office between the engineers. Paul is my hubby, the rest shall remain unknown. He forwarded it to me.

From: Steve
What's the difference between a computer and a woman?
A computer will accept a three-and-a-half-inch floppy

From: Sunil
What's happening to computers, they used to only accept five-and-a-quarter-inch floppy ??

From: David
You should be so lucky!!!

From: Paul
The days are definitely gone when an eight inch floppy was par for the course.

From: David
What this fixation with floppies? Shouldn't we be talking hard drives!!

From: Paul
Would you want to admit to having a 3.5 inch hard drive?

[frodi]

Sounds like a PEBKAC error...

Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair

[frodi]

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer."

Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"

Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."

Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?" Customer:
(proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"

Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"

Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"

[frodi]

Clues That You Should Get Offline

You name your children Eudora, Hyperlink and dotcom.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

You laugh at people with 28.8-baud modems.

You start using smileys in your snail mail.

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You can't call your mother because she doesn't have a modem.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You tell the cab driver you live at <http>

After reading this joke, you immediately forward it to a thousand of your closest friends

[frodi]

Why Dogs don't surf the web...

Can't stick their heads out of Windows 2000.
Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manouever.
Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.masters.leg.
Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

[frodi]

Remember when....

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean....
And RAM was the cousin of a goat.....

MEG was the name of my girlfriend
And GIG was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really MEGA bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
You hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider'I Do All The Sailor Boys! home
And a virus was the flu

I guess i'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody'I Do All The Sailor Boys! been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead

[frodi]

Read this warning

If you receive an e-mail entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on all your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. If you drive a Ford, it will start missing like a Chevy. It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. For god's sake, are you listening?

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun when someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings that grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN!

If you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Please Send, send, send, send, and send!


******** IN CASE YOU ARE A BLONDE OR USE AOL, THIS IS A JOKE

[frodi]

Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support:

"Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

"Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

"Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."

"Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."

"We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, some wire and a car battery."

"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."

"In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

"Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

"Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."

"Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

[frodi]

THE "FORWARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM

1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!

2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.

3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.

4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!

5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

6. I will NEVER see a popup window if I forward an e-mail ... NEVER-NEVER!!

7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.

9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!

11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!

[frodi]

The Internet Is JUST LIKE SEX


It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark.

Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself 'why on earth did I do that?'

Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

[frodi]

An oldie - but goodie:

The $25 car

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on......

At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time GM introduced a new car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[frodi]

You tell the cab driver you live at 1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html.

You clicked on the hyperlink, even though you knew it wasn't a real website, but you just *had* to find out! :lol:

[frodi]

The Help Desk Anthem

(sung to the tune of "Help!", with apologies to Lennon/McCartney)

"HELP!
My system's frozen!"

"HELP!
All my apps are closin'!"

"HELP!
You know my screen is blue!"

"HEELLLLLP!"

When I was younger and quite desperate for pay,
I worked the help desk for eight hours every day.
End users called me up to tell me what was wrong,
And now I find, it fried my mind, I worked "the desk" too long.

"Help me if you can, my system's down!
And a reboot didn't bring it back 'round!
Should it make that awful grinding sound?
Help desk pleeeeeease, please help me!"

And now my work has changed in oh so many ways,
I wrangle data; I'm an MCDBA.
But now and then the help desk sneaks into my dreams,
I'm taking calls, I'm up the walls, I wake up with a scream.

"Help me if you can my system's down!
I read virus-laden e-mails by the pound!
All my data's one big steaming mound!
Help desk PLEEEEASE, PLEASE HELP ME!"

When I was younger and quite desperate for pay,
I worked the help desk for eight hours every day.
But now I wish that I could travel back in time,
I wouldn't cry, if only I could leave that desk behind.

"Help me if you can my system's down!
Spilled my coffee, now my hard drive's full of grounds!
Lost my pictures filled with women bound!
HELP DESK PLEEEEEEASE, PLEASE HELP ME!
HELP ME!
HELP ME! Oooooooo...."

(sitar music starts up)

"If you'd like to speak with a help desk representative, using your touch tone phone, please press number nine..."

"Number nine..."
"Number nine..."
"Number nine..."
"Number nine..."
"Number nine..."

[frodi]

The Help Desk Anthem

(sung to the tune of "Help!", with apologies to Lennon/McCartney)

"HELP!
My system's frozen!"

"HELP!
All my apps are closin'!"

"HELP!
You know my screen is blue!"

"HEELLLLLP!"

When I was younger and quite desperate for pay,
I worked the help desk for eight hours every day.
End users called me up to tell me what was wrong,
And now I find, it fried my mind, I worked "the desk" too long.

"Help me if you can, my system's down!
And a reboot didn't bring it back 'round!
Should it make that awful grinding sound?
Help desk pleeeeeease, please help me!"

And now my work has changed in oh so many ways,
I wrangle data; I'm an MCDBA.
But now and then the help desk sneaks into my dreams,
I'm taking calls, I'm up the walls, I wake up with a scream.

"Help me if you can my system's down!
I read virus-laden e-mails by the pound!
All my data's one big steaming mound!
Help desk PLEEEEASE, PLEASE HELP ME!"

When I was younger and quite desperate for pay,
I worked the help desk for eight hours every day.
But now I wish that I could travel back in time,
I wouldn't cry, if only I could leave that desk behind.

"Help me if you can my system's down!
Spilled my coffee, now my hard drive's full of grounds!
Lost my pictures filled with women bound!
HELP DESK PLEEEEEEASE, PLEASE HELP ME!
HELP ME!
HELP ME! Oooooooo...."

(sitar music starts up)

"If you'd like to speak with a help desk representative, using your touch tone phone, please press number nine..."

"Number nine..."
"Number nine..."
"Number nine..."
"Number nine..."
"Number nine..."

[frodi]

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" -Marilyn Pittman

[frodi]

Here's a nice 404:

The pornography cannot be displayed
The pornography you are looking for is currently unavailable. The Web site might be experiencing titillation difficulties, or you may need to adjust your trouser settings.


Please try the following:

Click the Reload button, or try again later.

If you typed the age request in the Request bar, make sure that it is legal in your area.

To check your erection settings, click the Tool menu, and then click Intimacy Options. On the Erections tab, click Settings. The settings should match those provided by your local orgasm verification engine (LOVE) administrator or primary intimacy management partner (PIMP).
If your Orgasm Administrator has enabled it, Microsoft Winblows can examine your network and automatically discover pornographic images.
If you would like Winblows to try and discover them,
click Detect Pornographic Images
Some sites require 128-bit erection ability. Click the Help menu and then click About Intimacy Equipment to determine what strength genitals you have installed.
If you are trying to reach a secure site, make sure your Security settings can support it. Click the Tool menu, and then click Intimacy Options. On the Advanced tab, scroll to the Security section and check settings for Self-Confidence 2.0, Maturity 3.0, Positive Body Image 1.0.
Click the Back button to try another dink.



Cannot find smut or PNS Error
Intimacy Equipment

[frodi]

Some extra icons you may find useful:

(_!_) a regular ass
( _!_ ) a fat ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{(_!_)} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_ø_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass

[frodi]

If you're wondering why I used this category - read to the end:

1. Most Blues begin "Woke up this mornin'..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch - ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting lyposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple
Kiwi Fillmore,etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.

[Like to bet...?

I woke up this mornin'
To dat blue screen of death
I ain't done no backup
So I'se lost de whole damn mess

I got the blue screen, dat blue screen blues...

[frodi]

Quote (CarolineMary @ May 28 2002,05:51)
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong.

"You can't sing the blues in an air-conditioned room." - John Anderson

[frodi]

Moses and the Computer Age


"Excuse me, Sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, Sir."
"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yeah. I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know. Remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, Sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out."
"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those 'ten things' you sent me?"
"You mean the Commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'were important,' Moses? Of course, they're important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."
"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, Sir. I forgot."
"You should always save, Moses."
"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'? Can he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."
"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"
"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."
"Oh, yeah. I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what did he say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- er -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"
"They're called 'viruses,' Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."
"We'll do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why didn't you name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the 'ten things' have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."

Computers can try even God's patience!

[frodi]

THE NEW MICROSOFT RESTAURANT

Client: Excuse Me, Can I be served please?

Menu Support Representative (MSR): Hi, my name is William, and I'll be your Menu Support Representative. What seems to be the problem?

Client: There's a fly in my soup!

MSR: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Client: No, it's still there.

MSR: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Client: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

MSR: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Client: A SOUP bowl!

MSR: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Client: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

MSR: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Client: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

MSR: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Client: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

MSR: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Client: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

MSR: The current Soup of the Day is Tomato.

Client: Fine. Bring me the Tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[MSR leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

MSR: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Client: This is Potato soup.

MSR: Yes, the Tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Client: Well, I'm so hungry now I'll eat anything.

[The Menu Support Representative leaves.]

Client: Sir! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . $ 2.50
Undocumented Feature (bug X 2). . . . . $ 6.00
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $ 1.00
Total . . . . . . . . . . . $14.50

[frodi]

Your New Computer
--------------------------------------
Congratulations. You have purchased an Anthrax/2000 Multimedia 615X Personal Computer with Digital Doo-Dah Enhancer. It will give years of faithful service, if you ever get it up and running. Also included with your PC is a bonus pack of pre-installed software - Lawn Mowing Planner, Mr. ArtyFarty, Blank Screen Saver, and East Africa Route Finder - which will provide hours of pointless diversion while using up most of your computer's spare memory.

So turn the page and let's get started!

Getting ready: Congratulations. You have successfully turned the page and are ready to proceed.

(Important meaningless note: the Anthrax/2000 is configured to use 80386, 214J10 or higher processors running at 2,472 Hertz on variable speed spin cycle. Check your electrical installations and insurance policies before proceeding. Do not tumble dry.)

To prevent internal heat build-up, select a cool, dry environment for your computer. The bottom shelf of a refrigerator is ideal. Unpack the box and examine its contents.

(Warning: Do not open box if contents are missing or faulty as this will invalidate your warranty. Return all missing contents in their original packaging with a note explaining where they have gone and a replacement will be dispatched to you within 12 working months.)

The contents of the box should include some of the following: monitor with mysterious De Gauss button; keyboard with 2 1/2 inches of flex; computer unit; miscellaneous wires and cables not necessarily designed for this model; 2,000-page Owner's Manual; Short Guide to the Owner's Manual; Quick Guide to the Short Guide to the Owner's Manual; Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide for People Who Are Exceptionally Impatient or Stupid; 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in Spanish, and other loose pieces of paper; 292 cubic feet of styrofoam packing material.

Something They Didn't Tell You In The Shop: Because of the additional power needs of the pre-installed bonus software, you will need an Anthrax/2000 auxiliary unit for the memory capacitator, 2,500 mega-gigabytes of additional memory for the oscillator, and an electrical substation.

Setting Up: Congratulations. You are ready to set up. If you have not yet acquired a degree in electrical engineering,now is the time to do so.

Connect the monitor cable (A) to the portside outlet unit (D); attach power off-load unit sub-orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo channel (G); plug three-pin mouse cable into keyboard housing unit (make extra hole if necessary); connect modem (B2) to offside parallel audio! video lineout jack. Switch the computer on. Your hard drive will then download. (Allow three to five days.) When downloading is complete, your screen will say:

'Yeah, what?'

Now it is time to install your software. Insert Disk A (marked 'Disk D' or 'Disk G') into Drive Slot B or J, and type: 'Hello! Anybody home?' At the DOS command prompt, enter your Licence Verification Number. Your Licence Verification Number can be found by entering your Certified User Number, which can be found by entering your Licence Verification Number. If you are unable to find your Licence Verification or Certified User numbers, call the Software Support Line for assistance. (Please have your Licence Verification and Certified User numbers handy as the support staff cannot otherwise assist you.)

If you have not yet committed suicide, then insert Installation Diskette 1 in Drive Slot 2 (or vice versa) and follow the instructions on tour screen.

(Note: Owing to a software modification, some instructions will appear in Romanian.) At each prompt, reconfigure the specified file path, double click on the button launch icon, select a single equation default file from the macro selection register, insert the VGA graphics card in the rear aerofoil, and type 'C:\ followed by the birthdates of all the people you have ever known.

Your screen will now say: 'Invalid file path. Whoa! Abort or continue?'

Selecting 'Continue' will result in irreversible file compression, permanent loss of memory and a default overload in the hard drive.

Selecting 'Abort' will require you to start again.

Obviously, select 'Continue'. When the smoke has cleared, insert disk A2 (marked 'Disk Al') and repeat as directed with each of the 187 other disks.

When installation is complete, return to file path, and type your name, address and credit card numbers, and press 'Send'. This will automatically register you and allow us to pass your name to lots of computer magazines, on-line services and other commercial enterprises, which will be getting in touch shortly. Congratulations. You are now ready to use your computer.

Here are some simple exercises to get you off to a flying start.

Writing a Letter: Type 'Dear' and follow it with a name of someone you know.

Write a few lines about yourself, and then write, 'Sincerely yours,' followed by your own name. Congratulations.

Saving a File: To save your letter, select File Menu. Choose Retrieve from SubDirectory A, enter a backup file number and place an insertion point beside the macro dialogue button. Select secondary text box from the merge menu, and double click on the supplementary cleared documentary window.

Assign the tile cascade to a merge file and insert in a text equation box. Alternatively, write the letter out longhand and put it in a drawer.

Advice on Using the Spreadsheet Facility: Don't.

Troubleshooting Section: You will have many, many problems with your computer. Here are some common problems and their solutions.

Problem: My computer won't turn on.
Solution: Check to make sure the computer is plugged in; check to make sure the power button is in the 'On' position; check the cables for damage; dig up underground cables in your garden to check for damage; drive out into the country and check pylons for fallen wires; call hotline.

Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution: Turn the keyboard up the right way.

Problem: My mouse won't drink its water or go on the spinning wheel.
Solution: Try a high-protein diet or call your pet shop support line.

Problem: My computer is a piece of useless junk.
Correct - and congratulations. You are now ready to upgrade to an Anthrax/3000 Turbo model, or go back to pen and paper.

[frodi]

Installing LOVE

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready to install it now. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART, ma'am?

Customer: Yes, I have, but there are several other programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running, ma'am?

Customer: Let's see... I have PAST-HURT.EXE, LOW-ESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and
RESENTMENT.COM running now.

Tech Support: No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGH-ESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off, ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until it's erased the programs you don't want.

Customer: Okay, now LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes, I do. Is it completely installed?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTs in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: . I have an error message already. What should I do?

Tech Support: What does the message say?

Customer: It says "ERROR 412-PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS." What does that mean?

Tech Support: Don't worry, ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTs but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.

Customer: So what should I do?

Tech Support: Can you pull down the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

Tech Support: Excellent. You're getting good at this. Now, click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVE-SELF.DOC, REALIZE-WORTH.TXT, and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELF-CRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time. So, LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. Ah, one more thing.

Customer: Yes?

Tech Support: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some similarly cool modules back to you.

Customer: I will! Thanks for your help!

P.S. I thought you would like this txsupport....lol

[frodi]

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face...This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite sincere. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

[frodi]

This is a true story, I used to do this to the "users" I had to support. I apologize for the long set-up to get to the punch line.

I used to run a segment of an AS-400 network for a national sales company. My branch of the company was in Seattle Washington.

At the end of the day (about 5:00) the branch offices would need to process their orders to create packing and pick lists for their warehouse. All of the processing was done by an AS-400 in the main office in Colorado. This meant that the server in CO got busy when it was 2:00 in Seattle (5:00 on the East Coast).

Once in a while (usually after a sales contest when the sales gerbils worked extra hard) there would be a lot of orders to process. The network would noticeably slow down at about 2:00 in the afternoon and I’d get a phone call from a customer service rep at about 2:15 complaining that her computer was slow. I’d tell her that I’m in the middle of something, but I’d get to her as soon as I could.

I’d wait for when the East Coast was almost done processing orders then head down to her cube. I’d hmmmmm, and urrrrrrrr over her computer for a while, maybe get out my phone tone-back kit, and make it squeal a little, then explain to her that the Electron Collection Tray on her monitor was full.

She usually looked at me like I was trying to pull something over on her, so I’d explain that monitors are nothing more than Cathode Ray Tubes in which electrons are fired at the phosphorus on her screen. I’d go on and on, explaining magnetic fields, and the different levels of excited state phosphorus atoms until I saw her eyes go *TILT*. Then I’d complain that if the company bought some decent CRTs with automated ECT emptying devices (a-ECTED) she would not have been bothered. But luckily I had a manual ECTED which doubles as a magnetic screwdriver.

I’d run the screwdriver across the bottom of her screen to "collect the overflow electrons". By the time I was done, the East Coast’s orders were processed, and since we didn’t have many offices in the central time zone the servers in CO were responsive again.

The funny part came at the end, when she was still a little suspicious because all I did was scratch her monitor with a screwdriver. But lo and behold! her computer worked just fine again. She’d thank me for being such a good tech guy, comment on how we needed more people in tech support like me, and apologize for doubting me.

[frodi]

Diary Of An AOL User

July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. The nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I can't get online.

July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. I Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 - What's the Internet? I thought I was on America Online, not this Internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISN'T THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASN'T SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DIDN'T KNOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so excited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.

August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group.

August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. Hopefully someone will help. I can't ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.

August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.