An Irish woman "of a certain age", visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagra?", asks the doctor. "Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
A week later she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible, Doctor."
"Really? What happened?", asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"
"Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean you didn't enjoy it?"
"Of course I did doctor! Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years. But I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
Posted by Graham on Feb. 27 2008,09:17 One from my home town...!
* * * * *
A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quay.
As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?" he asked.
"Yes, I am." replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge. "Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me - if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found".
The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.
Then, during the fourth week, the Captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.
The girl came clean, "I've stowed away to get to Australia . One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me."
The Captain stared at her for a moment before he replied, "He certainly is love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry . "
Posted by unicorn39 on Feb. 24 2008,22:14 An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fife is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."
One week later, "The Kerryman," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee , Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."
Posted by Graham on Sep. 04 2007,05:49 Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years lived next door to that bastard. And every time I asked to borrow a fucking spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
Posted by Mike M on Aug. 08 2007,05:14 European Heighten Threat Levels
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Posted by Mahesh on July 20 2007,18:10 Council tax revaluers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.
We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his sons girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet. All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs. The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control. .........
Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle? --
Posted by CarolineMary on July 20 2007,19:09 Mahesh, you forgot to mention that few of the family have a proper job, they just sponge off the taxpayers.
An English anthropologist was doing research in an isolated African village, and the tribal chief asked if he would like to attend a trial his people were conducting that afternoon.
"You'll be surprised," said the chief, "at how well we've copied your country's legal procedures. You see, we have read accounts of many English trials in your newspapers, and incorporated them into our judicial system."
When the Brit arrived at the wooden constructed courthouse, he was truly amazed to see how closely the African court officials resembled those of England. The counsels were suitably attired in long black robes and the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all British jurists. Each argued his case with eloquence and in proper judicial language. But he couldn't help being puzzled by the occasional appearance of a bare-breasted native girl running through the crowd waving her arms frantically.
After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his host on what he had seen and then asked, "What was the purpose of having a seminude woman run through the courtroom during the trial?"
"I really don't know," confessed the Chief, "but in all the accounts we read in your papers about British trials, there was invariably mentioned something about 'an excited titter' running through the gallery."
Posted by CarolineMary on June 27 2006,14:59 In readiness for the Wimbledon tennis competition this year our local baker has introduced "Tim Henman Bread." I don't think it'll catch on though. It's great for the first three rounds but falls apart after that.
The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
Posted by Lil Bit on April 13 2006,10:07 At a Catholic school in Northern Ireland, the nun asked her students what they wanted to be when they grew up. Little Sean said, "I want to be a priest." Colleen wanted to be a nurse. Little Mary loudly announced, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute. With that, the nun fainted dead away.
When she came to, she looked at Mary with a horrified look on her face and asked, "What did you say you wanted to be?" Mary replied, "A prostitute, Sister."
"Oh, Sweet Mary, mother of Jaysus," the nun said, crossing herself and sighing with relief. "I thought you said 'Protestant!'"
Posted by CarolineMary on July 12 2005,20:48 The Organisers of London's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below:
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from Tower Hamlets), wearing the traditional hoody. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.
In previous Olympic games, London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local 'London' athletes.
100 METRE SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes.
100 METRE HURDLES As above but with added obstacles (i.e car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences walls etc.)
HAMMER Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 minutes.
SHOOTING A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk , bank teller or Securicor style wages delivery man.
BOXING Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, snorting a line, joy riding and arson.
THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.
SWIMMING Competitors will be thrown off the bridge into The Thames. The first three survivors back, will decide the medals.
MEN'S 50KM WALK Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of London.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Peckham Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Camden Community Choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
Derived from Chatham in Kent, this term can be applied loosely to every culture with a nasty, thieving element. There are many variants of this creature but all are subject to the following commonalities:
Chavs are completely Amoral, having never been subjected to right and wrong by their inattentive, uncaring and often absent parents.
Chavs are part Magpie, evidentially supported by their love of all things shiny, or as vaccuous, illiterate street-slang would say 'Bling'. They can be seen twokking from the Jewellery counter in Argos/Index.
Whatever their ethnic background, Chavs have a built-in affinity to hip-hop/R&B, even if they are inherently racist (see the Scottish). They see their life as glamorous and cool.
Chavs are for the most part, extremely stupid. However, some of them render a form of low cunning, which can be misinterpreted as intelligence. However this is false. A Chav has no desire to better themself through honest means nor learn anything outside of car modification.
All chavs think that they are nails. Again, this is false. Sitting in a beaten up nova smoking lamberts does not precipitate a healthy body. The irony being that a Chav owns mainly sportswear, yet will only break a sweat if running from the police.
Chavs are incredibly fertile beasts, and are highly successful breeders. Where they come unstuck is having to look after the offspring which their 13 yr old drunken fumble produces. More often that not the child will grow to be a Chav, having received no more guidance on life than the parent.
Chavs have a fond love for cars, as well as a Vin Diesel fixation. Rather than buy a nice car to start with, a chav will spend all their dole and tax-free labouring cash on upgrading a 10 year old car with 200,000 miles on the clock. The end product will invariably be a luminous monstrosity with at least one serious collision to its name.
Bearing all this lot in mind, I also found:
1. What do you call a Chav in a box? Innit.
2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted
3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe.
4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav? Innuinnit.
5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride.
7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him? It might be your bike.
8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? What you lookin' at?"
10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes on it.
11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The police
12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar.
13. What do you say to a chav with a job? Can I have a big mac please
14. What do you say to a chav in a suit? Will the defendant please stand
15. What do u call a knife in chaville? Exhibit A
16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova seats 4
17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny.
18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb? One, they'll screw anything.
19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start.
20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor? None, "That's some uvver bleeders job innit."
21. Why did the chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the car wash
22. Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.
23. What do you call a Chav at college? The cleaner.
24. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins? Society.
Posted by Gimpy on Mar. 25 2005,21:57 Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic. Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie. "As a reward, I shall grant you one wish." "Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked. The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see, Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"
The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have a look at that dog again."
Subject: A letter received by the B+Q customer services department.
My congratulations to you on getting a yacht to leave the UK on 28th November 2004, sail 27,354 miles around the world and arrive back 72 days later. Could you please let me know when the kitchen I ordered 96 days ago will be arriving from your warehouse 13 miles away?
Posted by MJ on Dec. 23 2004,18:57 About 4 weeks ago, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the multi-story car park as I loaded my car up with the gifts I felt obligated to buy.
I noticed that I was missing the shop receipt which I would need to get out of the car park without paying, so mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the shopping centre entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 10 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold evenings chill.
Oddly enough, he was holding two fifty pound notes in his hand.
Thinking that he had got lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong and he told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was seven years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs to make ends meet.
Nevertheless, she had managed to scrimp and save two hundred pounds to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his brothers and sisters and save just enough to take the bus home.
He had not even entered the shopping centre, when an older boy grabbed two of his fifty pound notes and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did".
"And nobody came to help you?"
The boy stared at the ground and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I enquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "help me!"
I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.
So I grabbed his other two fifty pound notes and ran off.