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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 1:58:21 GMT -5
One of my ex girlfriends keeps coming round..........That'll teach me to use cheap chloroform
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 1:58:51 GMT -5
The world's newest country was formed yesterday.
South Sudan has already gone ahead of Scotland in the Fifa world rankings.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 1:59:22 GMT -5
Female drivers:
The reason people look both ways when crossing a one way street.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 2:00:37 GMT -5
Q. How many Freudian analysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, one to screw in the light bulb and one to hold my penis; I mean the ladder.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 2:01:53 GMT -5
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 2:02:36 GMT -5
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a room with or without a view?"
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 2:03:24 GMT -5
"Now pay attention, 007; this looks like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 2:04:43 GMT -5
A 73 year old woman has been arrested at the Chelsea flower show for streaking but she won first prize for best dried bush arrangement...........
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 2:06:17 GMT -5
Life..
It's just an f in lie.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 2:06:57 GMT -5
I think I should have got half of David Haye's purse.
I watched the fight in 3D, which meant I got closer to Klitschko than he did.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:12:33 GMT -5
I'm not very happy with the travel insurance i've been sold for my camping holiday . If the tent blows away in the night I m not covered !
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:12:49 GMT -5
I woke up this morning and it looked nice out . So i left it out .
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:13:10 GMT -5
Venus Williams blamed her early exit from Wimbledon on the bounce of the balls.
Well she should've wore more fitting underwear.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:13:30 GMT -5
I just got a letter of confirmation from the Royal Mail saying that I will be working for them.
I start 3 years ago.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:13:49 GMT -5
Scientology, for those who think religion isn't far-fetched enough
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:14:24 GMT -5
"Better out than in" my dad always used to say,
Worst heart surgeon ever.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:14:53 GMT -5
An elephant, an ostrich and a crocodile stop a bloke in the street. The crocodile pulls out a police badge and says, "We have reason to believe you are carrying substances of an hallucinogenic nature, Sir."
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:15:11 GMT -5
The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle.
It really was a vile inn.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:16:26 GMT -5
I put some body spray on last night, but I only managed to pull Anne Robinson.
It must have been the weakest Lynx.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:16:48 GMT -5
Quit my job in a helium gas factory yesterday. Refused to be spoken to in that tone.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:17:36 GMT -5
A ****
What do you call someone who reads the punchline first and then the rest of the joke?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:18:20 GMT -5
I've got half a joke
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:18:42 GMT -5
All the media attention today was looking at the news that Gadaffi having not been seen for so long has slipped into jordan.
has that woman got any shame!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:20:10 GMT -5
My wife was counting out a load of 1 p's an 2 p's on the kitchen table. suddenly she got angry an started screaming an shouting for no reason. i suddenly realized its cos shes going through the change..
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:20:27 GMT -5
The man who invented chinese whispers has died!
Pass it on!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:22:46 GMT -5
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:23:18 GMT -5
That's the LAST time I'm using my Sean Connery accent to ask a girl to sit on my face....
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:23:38 GMT -5
Why is it that the winner of the Miss Universe contest always comes from earth?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:23:58 GMT -5
Cash4Gold are rubbish. I sent them my Spandau Ballet 12 inch vinyl and they didn't give me a penny.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:24:37 GMT -5
The lead conductor of the BBC Philharmonic does the housework at night whilst listening to 80's pop music.
The orchestral man hoovers in the dark
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