Gimpy
Lieutenant
Posts: 6,459
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Post by Gimpy on Jun 7, 2014 16:57:47 GMT -5
In the greatest days of the British Empire , a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies that protocol decrees (gin and tonic with cucumber sandwiches), the retiring colonel said, "You really must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless." Smithers was summoned & introduced to the new CO, who was shocked to see a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, standing less than three feet tall. The retiring Colonel said "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst , joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of................ Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, yes; never mind that, Smithers; the new CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you called the witch doctor a motherfucker."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:16:48 GMT -5
I get all the best women at swingers parties...........That ferrari keyring was the best £1.50 i have ever spent.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:18:54 GMT -5
Gepetto walked in on his son Pinocchio, and nearly died of a heart attack when he saw his son..
Lying under the bed sheets with an IKEA catalogue....
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:19:38 GMT -5
I once had a lot of arguments and rants with my bank manager. But then I decided to consolidate all my rants into one simple monthly outburst.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:20:01 GMT -5
A wise man once said....
"f*ck off and stop stealing all my quotes"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:20:25 GMT -5
I spotted a tiger at the zoo yesterday.
It looks like a leopard now.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:20:51 GMT -5
I went to a postman's birthday party today.
We played pass-the-sorry you weren't in note.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:21:47 GMT -5
Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin
His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit -
A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel"
Mario asks "And what do I do with these things, doc?"
The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue -
If she says 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen' ........
"you hit her with the shovel"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:22:23 GMT -5
The other day I saw a man fastening two metal panels together, whilst dressed as Princess Anne and singing the Japanese National Anthem. I stood and watched for a whole hour - it was strangely riveting.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:22:56 GMT -5
Went to a bulimic society party last night... the place was heaving
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:23:40 GMT -5
A young guy turns up at a hotel reception:
"I'd like a single room, please."
"Certainly, sir," says the receptionist. "With bath or shower?"
The guy is a bit short of cash, so he asks, "What's the difference?"
"You have to stand in the shower," says the receptionist.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:24:07 GMT -5
I attended a kamikaze reunion as the after dinner speaker.
I was the only one there.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:25:16 GMT -5
If one more person asks me to do a somersault I'm gonna flip!!!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:26:03 GMT -5
A Liverpool prostitute has taken out a super injunction to stop people saying that she slept with Wayne Rooney.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:26:50 GMT -5
A new device has been invented to reduce the noise made inside your car by 95%...
...It fits right over her mouth.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:27:18 GMT -5
I think actress Hilary Swank would make herself more accessible to men if she changed her forename to Gloria!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:28:26 GMT -5
After the explosion, I realised my Paki neighbour's warning wasn't just a poorly spelled message. Yesterday I laughed at the text he sent me...
"Mined your step."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:28:56 GMT -5
My wife is leaving me because my stories never make any sense.
And that's how I saved Christmas
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:29:39 GMT -5
Why a man should ever want to marry is a mystery. Why a man should want to marry two women is a bigamistery.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:30:08 GMT -5
A study suggests that the purpose of yawning may be to cool the brain. Which apparently gets overheated when listening to a woman talk.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:37:54 GMT -5
My dyslexic friend died after a drinking seesion last night - choked on his own vimto
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:38:42 GMT -5
They say there is plenty more fish in the sea so, until I catch one, I'll keep hold of my rod
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:39:25 GMT -5
10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have no jobs, no hope and no cash.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:43:54 GMT -5
It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?
I'm a whisk-taker.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:45:25 GMT -5
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan. One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said. Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.
"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella. "Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had." At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.
The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to turn Alan, my cat, into a handsome young man."
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and there before them stood young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life" and with that she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes.Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning perfect man she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leaned close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath...
"I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:46:04 GMT -5
Went to the barbers today and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise, the barber gave me a cushion to sit on.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:47:40 GMT -5
BBC NEWS: Plane in Australia hits ferris wheel. Police say the pilot is slowly coming round.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:48:48 GMT -5
An old guy walks into a new pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
#1 CHEESE-BURGER: £1.50 #2 CHICKEN SANDWICH : £2.50 #3 HAND-JOB: £10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meagre looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The man replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2014 0:01:48 GMT -5
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes, The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but i failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes, Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.' For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'. The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.' So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.' The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.' So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!
ATTENTION: female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers : Please scroll down. ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love. X X X
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2014 0:03:15 GMT -5
Got talking to this really fat bird at the bar last night your a big girl i said tell me something i don't no gobshite,she said
Well salads are nice
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