graham
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Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on Sept 21, 2017 16:55:31 GMT -5
Orion's Belt is a waist of space.
Terrible joke: Only 3 stars.
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Gimpy
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Posts: 6,445
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Post by Gimpy on Jan 12, 2018 11:10:10 GMT -5
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called the `Scottish Arms' .... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the `Red Lion,' the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
Fully disbelieving, the Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"No, not me-self, personally," admitted the Irishman. “But it did happen to me sister quite a few times”
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on Jan 22, 2018 18:14:03 GMT -5
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on Mar 2, 2018 13:55:46 GMT -5
I heard that the Police want to interview me.
Odd, I don't recall even applying for a job with them.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on Mar 12, 2018 8:52:42 GMT -5
What a lovely day... What a lovely day for running into Trafalgar Square, chucking a bucket of whitewash over the pigeons and saying "There, how do you like it?!" - Ken Dodd, RIP
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on Mar 16, 2018 19:50:51 GMT -5
I was going to donate blood today but they ask too many questions.
Like "Whose is this blood, and where did you get it?"
Anyway, donate one kidney and you're a hero.
Donate five and the Police want to talk to you...
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on Mar 17, 2018 14:48:58 GMT -5
As well as expelling Russian Diplomats, the British Government have expelled the bottom man in a Human Pyramid Act.
They don't have Oleg to stand on.
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Gimpy
Lieutenant
Posts: 6,445
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Post by Gimpy on Apr 3, 2018 18:05:13 GMT -5
A man from Ireland was on a bus tour of the United States. As the bus travelled for miles and miles through desert landscape and oil fields, he asked the guide: “Where are we now?”
The guide said proudly: “We’re in the great state of Texas.”
“It’s certainly big,” mused the Irishman.
“It’s so big,” added the guide, “that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it.”
“Yes,” smiled the Irishman, “and wouldn’t it do wonders for Texas!”
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on Apr 7, 2018 6:16:27 GMT -5
Not exactly a joke as such, but there's a card game called Exploding Kittens (yes, really!) that I enjoy, so I asked for a copy for my birthday. Someone's a bloody comedian...
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on May 16, 2018 16:18:47 GMT -5
I walked into a DIY shop the other day. A man came over and asked if I wanted decking.
Fortunately I got the first punch in...
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on May 21, 2018 19:20:42 GMT -5
Paddy and Mick are talking when Mick says "Y'know, we ain't seen Murphy around for a few days".
"Ah", says Paddy, "He came off his motorbike. He's got brain damage, a broken arm and two broken legs."
"Jaysus", replies Mick, "No wonder he came off...!"
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,725
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Post by MalcolmR on May 28, 2018 11:09:43 GMT -5
Are you a man aged over 40? Windsor Lions Club is offering free prostate cancer checks with the help of a local estate agent.
Cameron Diaz encourages women to keep their pubic hair in her new book.
Our wardens have removed a naked statue of Donald Trump from Union Square. The NYCP stands firmly against any unpermitted erections, no matter how small.
Stench from Shropshire bio-gas site blamed on new employee.
Police seek hardened criminal after penis pump is stolen from Victoria sex shop.
Van Gogh was bleeding copiously after slashing his ear with a razor, so he wrapped the piece of ear in paper and walked to his favourite brothel where he gave it to a young woman he knew.
Gold or Black Beats Headphones – were £169.99, now £179.99!
A local man was fined on Monday for repeated trespassing and criminal damage. Margaret River Magistrates Court heard how the man entered a local school building by forcing open a window with another man.
Police are appealing for information after a naked man was seen near a busy Hampshire Road. The man has been described as white, six foot tall with thick wavy hair and prominent cheeks.
To those of you texting in regarding the news item about the Vera Lynn tribute flypast, this event has been hampered by poor weather, not by Paul Weller.
A local drug dealer was arrested on Thursday night. Strip searching the man, police found a large amount of crack down the back of his trousers.
It’s well known that erectile dysfunction is more common among older soldiers – which would explain a hefty bill for retired service members.
The next Matinee Film screening in support of Halesworth Dementia Trust will be La La Land.
A New Study finds that Uranus opens every few hours to release solar wind.
Join us on the 2nd and 4th Sundays of the month for breakfast including Hot Sausages aimed at children under 10 years old.
23-year-old jockey Willy Twiston-Davies retires to focus on breeding.
A couple from South Wales have appeared at Hammersmith Magistrates Court after being captured on CCTV having sex in public at the Westfield Shopping Centre. The magistrate said that the couple would now be temporarily excluded from coming within the M25.
Surgeons are set to carry out the first penis transplant in the United States. The 12-hour procedure will involve stitching key nerves and blood vessels in an operation that doctors hope will improve patient’s quality of life and help them re-enter society.
Tomorrow’s Health Walk will start at 10:00am. Meet outside the Chip Shop.
BBC2 at 9:00pm “Tribes, Predators and Me” a programme where Gordon Buchanan learns to hunt crocodiles with his bare hands. Last in the series.
In our latest newsletter we reported that President Obama ordered the explosion of Russian diplomats. This was an auto-correct of “expulsion” and we apologise.
Unfortunately, Slimming World has had to cancel its meetings here on Saturday mornings as the group is too large for the room.
A man stripped off and took a naked dip in the Bridgewater Canal in front of shocked passers-by. The man was described as white, about six foot tall and soaking wet.
The Progression of Wind Energy Trade Fair continues today as planned after it was necessary to evacuate the lightweight exhibition halls yesterday due to a cyclone.
The South African National Defense Force has launched an investigation into an accident at Wallmansthal military base in which during a fire prevention exercise 83 military vehicles were completely destroyed by fire.
Would-be apprentices at Sizewell B are invited to come to an information event on Saturday. Roger Barge, apprentice training co-ordinator, said: “Apprentices at the nuclear power station enjoy great training and a glowing future.”
Bristolians will once again be stripping off and getting on their bikes as part of the World Naked Bike Ride. This year’s event will be taking place on Saturday, June 4th and will set off at 11:00am from The Full Moon pub.
"There really are no holes barred when you’re working with someone you love."
Mud Walk! Find out what lives in the mud of Exmouth estuary. Opposite the toilets at Imperial Road Rec.
A 12-week-old kitten was rescued from inside a living room sofa after fire officers chopped it up with hacksaws and hydraulic cutters.
Hello. I’m looking for a free or cheap double mattress. I’m heavily pregnant so I would be extremely grateful if you are also able to deliver.
Ladies and Gentlemen! Drop your trousers here for best results!
The first meeting of the Erotic Writing group will take place on April 18th. Please enter via the back gate.
Mantle Books have announced that senior editor Sophie Orme will not be returning from maternity leave after an internal restructure.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, clairvoyant Trisha will not be appearing in the Kevin Bird Suite tomorrow night.
Latex-free condoms: 5 stars. Reasonable price, came quick.
A monk who posted nude clips on social media has been defrocked.
A 72-year-old pensioner who was accused of flashing has claimed that any exposure was unintentional as he was merely crouching down to collect nuts off the pavement.
Your legs will be lovely and warm while you tackle the cold outdoors in these men’s thermal trousers. Multiple pockets are a handy feature to keep you essentials close to hand.
Hundreds of people are seeking help with anger management every day as commuters implode with fury amid the stresses of getting from A to B. The British Association of Anger Management said its website was getting up to 500 hits a day.
Six foot boa constrictor. Free to a good home. Very friendly, good eater, likes children.
Our accounts have been independently examined this year by Maureen Lamburn FCA, following John Thornton’s retirement, for which we are most grateful.
A group of primary school children toured the Houses of Parliament this week thanks to their guide, Watford MP Richard Harrington. The children had an opportunity to grill Mr Hamilton before lunch.
Ever since the discovery of the Higgs Boson particle, CERN in Switzerland has been dedicated to furthering the study of physics. To this end, an experiment was set-up involving a Large Hardon Collider.
Parents and guardians are being invited to a new Gloucestershire support group to help those who have children confronting gender issues. The group arranges outings once a month.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on Jun 1, 2018 17:41:23 GMT -5
A group of friends found an old Ouija board
"I don't know, guys, this stuff is really dark."
"Oh come on! What's the worst that could happen?"
"Spirits of the dead, give us your message!"
W-E-H-A
"Guys..."
"Shut up"
W-E-H-A-V-U
"Guys..!!"
"Keep going!"
W-E-H-A-V-E-U-P-D-A-T-E-D-O-U-R-P-R-I-V-A-C-Y-P-O-L-I-C-Y
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on Jun 1, 2018 17:41:48 GMT -5
I've just been told I'm allergic to spray-on deodorant. Oh well, roll on tomorrow.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on Jun 1, 2018 17:42:48 GMT -5
A group of crows is called a Murder
Two crows is Attempted Murder.
Several crows equally spaced between margins is Justified Murder...
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,725
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Post by MalcolmR on Jun 15, 2018 12:11:04 GMT -5
The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday... "It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on Jul 7, 2018 18:33:43 GMT -5
I went into the library and asked if they had any books on paranoia.
The librarian whispered "They're right behind you..."
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on Jul 28, 2018 7:09:05 GMT -5
One for sorrow,
Two for joy.
Three for a girl,
Four for a boy.
Five for silver,
Six for gold.
Seven for Customer Services
Eight to hear these options again
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on Aug 3, 2018 4:45:20 GMT -5
I came off my motorbike yesterday and ended up in a ditch. Two couples stopped to help, Mr and Mrs Fletcher and Mr and Mrs Ball. Fortunately I was pulled out by the Fletchers...
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on Sept 25, 2018 4:39:29 GMT -5
My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my motorbike yesterday.
I rode on, Ruthlessly...
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on Sept 29, 2018 18:57:05 GMT -5
So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby.
For instance my name, address and telephone number!
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on Oct 4, 2018 19:16:52 GMT -5
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frodi
Lieutenant
Posts: 19,492
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Post by frodi on Nov 2, 2018 17:04:42 GMT -5
A seven-year-old boy from London was at the center of a courtroom drama when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Manchester United, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on Nov 17, 2018 7:00:51 GMT -5
A Tale of Two Cities' was originally serialized in two local papers in the British Midlands.
It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,725
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Post by MalcolmR on Nov 22, 2018 10:34:08 GMT -5
A Taliban fighter was fleeing through the desert when he saw a figure in the distance. He hurried over to find a British soldier selling Regimental ties.
The Taliban asked “Do you have any water?”
The soldier replied, “No, but would you like to buy a tie? They are $25”.
The Taliban shouted “You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie, I need water!”
“OK” replied the British soldier, “If you are going to be like that, go five miles around this hill, and you will find my Regimental Sergeant’s mess. They have lovely, ice-cold water”.
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered off around the hill.
Some hours later, he staggers back and collapses at the British soldier’s feet.
“Here’s your $25. The bastards wouldn’t let me in unless I was wearing a fucking tie!”
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on Dec 15, 2018 18:58:18 GMT -5
(Sales assistant to woman meandering vaguely around shop): Can I help you, Madam?
Woman: I'm looking for a present for my husband.
Sales asst: What about a book?
Woman: He's got a book.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on Dec 15, 2018 18:58:32 GMT -5
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on Dec 26, 2018 6:52:59 GMT -5
For Xmas I bought my girlfriend an elephant to put in her room.
She said I was so kind.
I said "Don't mention it..."
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on Dec 29, 2018 18:37:46 GMT -5
I saw this on Facebook
When I get a call from an unknown number I reply in a whisper "It's done, but there's blood everywhere...!"
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,142
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Post by graham on Jan 8, 2019 16:42:43 GMT -5
Those who studied Basic Poultry Stuffing will be pleased to know that the sage advice therein means they will not have wasted their thyme.
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