MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,735
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Post by MalcolmR on Oct 22, 2019 7:41:38 GMT -5
The bookies assistant called Lynn wore a sweater that was awfully thin, He prayed to the gods to even the odds for his chance to score a big win!
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,144
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Post by graham on Oct 26, 2019 6:02:33 GMT -5
"Why did the chicken cross the road?" "I don't know" "To get to the idiot's house." "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "The chicken." "The chicken who...?"
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,735
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Post by MalcolmR on Oct 27, 2019 11:10:24 GMT -5
A Scotsman, Irishman and Welshman walk into a pub, to watch the Englishman in Japan.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,144
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Post by graham on Oct 31, 2019 6:23:15 GMT -5
"Trick or treat!"
"What are you supposed to be?"
"A werewolf."
"But you're wearing ordinary clothes."
"Well it's not a full moon!"
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,144
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Post by graham on Oct 31, 2019 7:02:58 GMT -5
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,735
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Post by MalcolmR on Nov 4, 2019 9:53:22 GMT -5
There was a young lady called Hall, Wore a newspaper dress at a ball, Her dress caught fire, And burnt her entire Frontpage sporting section and all.
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,735
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Post by MalcolmR on Nov 25, 2019 13:19:14 GMT -5
After a night in the pub, Paddy takes his mates back to show them around his new apartment.
After a few more beers, Mick asks Paddy what the large brass plate on the wall is. "That's my speaking clock" replies Paddy, "Would you like me to demonstrate it?"
With this Paddy picks up a massive hammer and slams it into the brass plate.
"Do you mind!" booms a voice from next door, "It's a quarter to three in the morming!"
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,144
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Post by graham on Dec 10, 2019 7:35:13 GMT -5
A politician visited a village ahead of an election
He asked the local residents what their two biggest issues were and someone spoke up from the crowd saying "we have a hospital but no doctor".
The politician immediately pulled out his phone, dialled a number, spoke briefly, hung up, then told the villagers that a doctor had been sourced and would arrive the day after the election.
He then asked what the second issue was.
"Well, Sir, our village has no mobile phone reception anywhere..."
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,144
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Post by graham on Dec 10, 2019 16:55:11 GMT -5
Have you heard the one about body organs in China ?
[removed]
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,144
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Post by graham on Dec 10, 2019 16:55:28 GMT -5
In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying “muchos” a lot more recently.
It means a lot to them.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,144
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Post by graham on Dec 12, 2019 7:04:35 GMT -5
On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?
I need to borrow some chairs
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,735
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Post by MalcolmR on Dec 12, 2019 9:16:59 GMT -5
An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman all die on Christmas Eve. At the gates to heaven, St Peter says that he will only let them in if they have something that represents Christmas.
The Englishman flicks his lighter on and says "It's a candle" and St Peter allows him to pass.
The Welshman rattles his keys and says "They are sleigh bells". St Peter lets him pass.
The Irishman pulls out a bra and a pair of knickers. "How the fuck do they represent Christmas?" sputters St Peter.
"They're Carols" Says the Irishman.
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,735
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Post by MalcolmR on Dec 14, 2019 11:22:43 GMT -5
What do the current Labour Leader and a dirty baby’s nappy have in common?
They both need changing, and for the same reason.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,144
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Post by graham on Dec 14, 2019 21:15:02 GMT -5
"I didn't think leopards would actually eat my face!", says person who voted for Leopards Eating Your Face party...
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,735
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Post by MalcolmR on Dec 17, 2019 10:43:26 GMT -5
Mick: I've been going to Night Classes every night for 5 months now. Paddy: oh! Mick: For example, do you know who Alexander Graham Bell is? Paddy: No Mick: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876. If you took night classes you'd know this. The next day, Mick: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is? Paddy: No Mick: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers". If you took night classes, you'd know this. The next day, once again: Mick: And do you know who Jean-Jacques Rousseau is? Paddy: No Mick: He's the author of "The Confessions" If you took night classes, you'd know this. This time, Paddy got irritated and said: And you Mick ... Do you know who Sean Reilly is? Mick: No Paddy: He's the fellow who's shagging your wife! If you stopped going to night classes, you'd know this!
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,144
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Post by graham on Dec 21, 2019 17:19:11 GMT -5
My neighbour just got arrested for growing cannabis in his back garden.
Apparently my property boundary isn’t where I thought it was.
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,735
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Post by MalcolmR on Dec 23, 2019 8:16:27 GMT -5
Please be advised that all personnel planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undertake a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. The assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from SATCO before station fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions. Finally, for those involved in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,735
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Post by MalcolmR on Dec 23, 2019 11:03:23 GMT -5
Going to work in Leicester Square at 5am yesterday morning, pitch black, cold and raining, I saw a beggar on the pavement outside Capital Radio. Sitting on a damp piece of cardboard with only one arm, he had a sign that read "I lost my arm serving my country in the South Atlantic in 1982."
Feeling sorry for the poor veteran, I fished out my wallet and dropped a crisp £20 note into his polystyrene begging cup.
With tears in his eyes, the ex-serviceman picked up the note and whispered a heartfelt "Muchos Gracios, Senor".
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,144
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Post by graham on Dec 23, 2019 19:00:42 GMT -5
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,144
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Post by graham on Dec 26, 2019 17:18:48 GMT -5
Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?
No sun.
* * * * *
Where do toy stores keep their Schwarzenegger action figures?
Aisle B, back.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,144
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Post by graham on Dec 29, 2019 10:46:58 GMT -5
My boss called this morning and shouted,
“Where the fuck are you? It’s 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8.”
“Relax, I’m in my office.” I replied.
“Quit the shit!” he roared. “I’m standing in your office.”
So I went, “Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job.”
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,144
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Post by graham on Dec 30, 2019 8:08:44 GMT -5
I just ordered a chicken and an egg off amazon
I’ll let you know
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,144
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Post by graham on Dec 31, 2019 11:41:51 GMT -5
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.
Give a man a motorbike and he'll ride 200 miles for fish and chips!
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,144
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Post by graham on Jan 1, 2020 7:21:39 GMT -5
A tortoise was walking down the road when it got mugged by two snails.
When the Police arrived they said "What happened?"
"I don't know," said the tortoise, "it all happened so fast."
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,735
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Post by MalcolmR on Jan 10, 2020 9:05:16 GMT -5
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night: "Certainly madam." He replied courteously. "Is the restaurant open still?" Inquired Mary. "Sorry, no." Came the reply. "But room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please." Said Mary. "Certainly madam." He replied. "And can I have breakfast in bed?" Asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please." Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?" "Yes, thank you." Mary replied. "Food to your liking?" "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though they really weren't that nice at all." Replied Mary truthfully. "Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion." Said the receptionist. "OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. "Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,144
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Post by graham on Jan 10, 2020 11:03:56 GMT -5
Do any of these look familiar...?
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,144
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Post by graham on Jan 19, 2020 12:25:35 GMT -5
As I get older, I remember all the people I've lost along the way.
Then I think to myself being a tour guide is a profession I shouldn't have chosen.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,144
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Post by graham on Jan 19, 2020 12:25:50 GMT -5
I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.
I have a Czech one, too.
One too.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,144
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Post by graham on Jan 19, 2020 12:26:13 GMT -5
Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
Waitress: [slaps me across the face] ...“The men I please are none of your damn business!”
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,144
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Post by graham on Jan 23, 2020 16:39:22 GMT -5
Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.
A worst case scenario.
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