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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2014 5:59:28 GMT -5
My budgie broke his leg today, so i made the poor little thing a splint made out of two swan vesta matches. His little face lit up!!
So did the rest of him as i'd forgotten i'd lined his cage floor with sandpaper.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2014 6:02:25 GMT -5
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one
of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so wanted to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the
owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars." The guy says,
"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that crap."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2014 6:03:24 GMT -5
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.' -----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. ------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent..' -----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.' ----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End' ---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2014 6:04:06 GMT -5
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?' --------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel. ------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.' ---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R. ----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down. ----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2014 6:04:38 GMT -5
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.' --------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.' ----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..' --------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.' ----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!' --------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2014 6:05:22 GMT -5
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest' ------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.. I said 'I careered off the road' ----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there. -------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts. ------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin. ---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.' --------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2014 6:07:29 GMT -5
These are real answers from Quiz programs.
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2) Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherry pickers' and 'cheese mongers'? Contestant: Homosexuals. Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point. Theakston: There's a clue in the title. Contestant: Leicester.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR) Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant: Er. . . Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . . Contestant: Blimey? Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . . Contestant: (Silence.) Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . . Contestant: Walked?
BBC NORFOLK Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World? Contestant: I don't know. White: I'll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow? Contestant: Arm. White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . .? Contestant: Strong. White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name? Contestant: Louis. White: Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World? Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS) Alex Trelinski: What's the capital of Italy? Contestant: France. Trelinski: France is another country. Try again. Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm. Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon? Contestant: Sorry, I don't know. Trelinski: Just guess a country then. Contestant: Paris.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2014 6:08:15 GMT -5
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2) Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: Prison or the Conservative Party? Contestant: The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO, Wolverhampton DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope? Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
RICHARD AND JUDY (C4)) Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman? A: Forrest Gump.
LINCS FM PHONE-IN Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? Contestant: Barcelona. Presenter: I was really after the name of a country. Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) Q: What is the world's largest continent? A: The Pacific
RICHARD AND JUDY (C4)) Presenter: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live? Contestant: Er. . . Presenter: He makes bread. . . Contestant: Err... Presenter: He makes cakes . . Contestant: Kipling Street?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV) Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918? Contestant: Magna Carta?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2014 6:08:43 GMT -5
BREAKFAST SHOW (RADIO 1) Chris Moyles: Which 's' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes? Contestant: Ummm. . . Moyles: It begins with 's' and rhymes with 'perm'. Contestant: Shark.
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC) O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry? Contestant: Well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth. . . er . . . Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL) Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna? Caller: Japan. Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. Caller: Er . . . Mexico?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE) Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last? Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) Denham: In which country would you spend shekels? Contestant: Holland? Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet. Contestant: Iceland? Ireland? Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel? Contestant: No.
THE VAULT (ITV) Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time? Contestant: Nostalgia.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2014 6:09:12 GMT -5
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (RADIO 2) Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play? Contestant: Jesus
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what? Contestant: Basketball.
DOG EAT DOG (BBC1) Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord Of The Rings? Contestant: Enid Blyton.
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and . . ? Contestant: Jelly.
FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV) Jodie Penfold: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT. Team: Chedpit.
SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV) Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held? Contestant: Six. Tufnell: Higher! Contestant: Five.
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2) Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'j' is where two roads meet? Contestant: Jool carriageway?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2014 6:09:35 GMT -5
BIG QUIZ (LBC) Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court. Contestant: Lepers.
DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM) Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year? Contestant: I need a clue. Kelly: OK. What do beans come in? Contestant: Cartons?
TALKSPORT Andy Townsend: How many wheels does a tricycle have? Caller: Two. Townsend: The Beatles were known as the Fab...? Caller: Five.
MAGIC 52 (NORTH-EAST ENGLAND)Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated? Contestant: Erm... Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964. Contestant: 1965?
FAMILY FORTUNES. Presenter : Name a bird with a long neck? Contestant : Naomi Campbell
Presenter : Name a dangerous race? Contestant :The Arabs
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:01:06 GMT -5
They said David Blaine's 41 amazing days marathon World Record for doing nothing in a box would never be beaten....
....In which case, it's hearty congratulations to Fernando Torres, 72 days and counting!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:06:18 GMT -5
I hate all this terrorist business.. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ‘I’m having that’
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:06:45 GMT -5
My wife says she's leaving me because of my OCD.
"Fine!" I said, "Close the door 5 times on your way out."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:07:07 GMT -5
A friend recently admitted to being addicted to drinking brake fluid.
Naturally, I expressed my concern about his wellbeing, but he dismissed my concerns, saying he could stop whenever he wanted to
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:07:34 GMT -5
My sister brought her 9 week old daughter round to visit recently, and after feeding her, handed her to me and asked if I wanted to wind her. I thought, 'that's a bit rough'...so I only gave her a dead-leg instead.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:08:18 GMT -5
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your will power'
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:08:48 GMT -5
Gary Glitter has issued a statement on his release from prison, 'He wishes to go where he will be left in peace, alone, out of the spotlight and has no intention of travelling abroad in the forseeable future'
Aston Villa have offered him a 3 year contract.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:09:10 GMT -5
Great weather, It was so hot today I was sweating like Neil Lennon's postman
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:09:58 GMT -5
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:10:58 GMT -5
A penquin walks into a post office and says "have you any fish?" "NO" replies the postmaster "this a post office,we only sell stamps and envelopes.." The next day the penquin returns and asks the same question again."No" the postmaster says getting angry "I told you yesterday we don't sell fish!!!!" The next day the penquin returns and cheekily asks "have you any fish?" The postmasters getting really fed up now and replies "NO,WE DON'T HAVE ANY COD,WE DON'T HAVE ANY TUNA,WE DON'T HAVE ANY FISH THIS IS A POST OFFICE!!!!COME IN HERE AGAIN AND I'LL NAIL YOUR FLIPPERS TO THE FLOOR FOR GAWDS SAKE!!"
A day passes and theres no sign of the penquin and the postmaster thinks he must have got the message.Then,just before closing the penquin returns.... "Have you got any nails?" he asks,smiling. "No" replies the postmaster,exhausted after a long day. "In that case,"asks the penquin,"have you any fish?"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:11:25 GMT -5
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:14:11 GMT -5
I crossed a Hyena with an Oxo cube and made myself a laughing stock
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:14:48 GMT -5
A bloke walked into a shop and said 'Have you got any guitar tuition books?'
Man behind the counter said 'I can tell that you're really s drummer, not a guitarist.'
'How can you tell that ? You've never seen me before?' said the customer.
The man behind the counter said 'This is a chip shop.'
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:15:48 GMT -5
The vicar was walking along the road one day, when he heard a voice from underneath a nearby hedge.
"Help me, please help me", said the voice.
The vicar looked down and there was a tiny little frog.
"Hello vicar", said the frog, "I haven't always been a frog, you know. At one time I was a handsome little fair-haired, blue-eyed prince, but a wicked witch caught me and turned me into a frog! The only way I'll be a prince again is if someone takes me home and shows me lots of kindness."
So the vicar took the little frog home with him, wrapped him in a warm towel, and gave him food and drink.
It came to bedtime, and the vicar said:
"You know, little frog, that I live alone and have only one bed, but you're most willing to share it with me."
And the next morning, when the vicar awoke, lying next to him in the bed was a handsome little fair-haired, blue-eyed prince.
And there, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, rests the case for the Defence.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:16:01 GMT -5
Breaking News:
Arsenal bid for Real Madrid's Ramos.
His ability to throw away trophies will match their style perfectly.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:20:05 GMT -5
Paddy and Mick on the Titanic, "Where's everyone gone Paddy" "Oh they will all be on the top deck listening to the live music Mick" "Didn't you hear the fella announce A band on ship"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:28:12 GMT -5
I got a book about helium gas.
I can't put it down.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:29:05 GMT -5
Lady Astor once told Winston: "If you were my husband I’d put poison in your tea!" to which Winston replied: "If you were my wife, I'd drink it!"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:29:27 GMT -5
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill
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