Jobs and Work

[graham]

A man took his six year old daughter to work on a Bring Your Kids to Work day.

After about half an hour she started getting really upset and began crying.

As all the staff gathered round, trying to cheer her up, her father asked what was wrong.

She sobbed "Where are all the clowns you said you worked with...?"

[frodi]

A U.S. Government Official asked the Indian Chief "Two Eagles",

"You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done. Considering all these events, in your opinion,where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied,"When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing - All night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[frodi]

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant..

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia, New Zealand and Great Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[graham]

My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me of the smell of certain colleagues I'm now prevented from seeing.

I've placed a few pieces of cardbord in all window panes in order to produce a draft.

I've purchased ten portable radios and tuned them to different talk radio channels, adjusting the volume to slightly above normal conversation volume. At least one radio channel host has a loud and penetrating laughter. Half of the channels are allowed some professional content, but no more.

I've had automatic blinds installed but asked the installer to reverse the motor so the blinds go up when the sun shines through my window and down when it gets cloudy.

I found a handful of old mobile phones and installed some loud and distinctive ring tones that I found online. I've agreed with my colleagues that they call them a few times per hour, avoiding the temptation to answer them until my colleagues hang up--like in the office.

For a proper coffee experience, I brew my coffee the day before. Whenever I need a cup of coffee, I reheat the entire bottle in the microwave and pour myself a cup.

I have purchased both a cooling unit and a heating unit. They are adjusted so that the cooling unit engages at two degrees higher than the heating unit disenages. It is important for them to thus compete against each other, becaues otherwise I won't get a lifelike simulation of the HVAC system in our office.

I have replaced all of my office plants with wax plants--you know, those plants that are typically arranged in a upright torus and bark covering the soil. They require minimal maintenance, and require only some cuts and adjustments every now and then, thus being treated much like all other life in the office.

Whenever I begin working on a task, I start an egg timer so that it takes no more than 23 minutes before I get interrupted.

I've invested in an electrically adjustable desk. I realize that only few people actually make use of this feature but it sends an important message about the company's concern for the well-being of its employees. If your have no pain in your back, then everything is fine.

I remove all of my personal items, PC connections, etc. from my desk every afternoon, because although I intend to use them all the next morning, I must be reminded that I can never know where I will be placed on the next work day.

I've printed a number of US letter-sized sheets with text and accompanying stick men (M/F, of course) that communicate how to be considerate of your employees. This is exclusively to set a proper atmosphere because just like in the office, no-one follows the recommendations.

I have installed an additional DHCP server on my home network in order to get IP address conflicts.

It will be expensive, but at least once a week I'll be hiring a construction team to perform noisy work

[MalcolmR]

A pilot was running low on fuel, and could not locate the air base in rapidly deteriorating weather.

"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you direct me to the nearest air base,I swear I'll give up drinking whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly and miraculously, the clouds broke, and the sun shone brightly on a large air base below. Without hesitation, the pilot said,"Never mind, I got it."

[MalcolmR]

A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 privates guarding a bench. He went over there and asked them why do they guard it.
"We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did!"
He searched for last commander's phone number, and called him to ask him why did he want guards in this particular bench.
"I don't know. The previous commander had guards, and I kept the tradition".
Going back another 3 commanders, he found a now 100 year old retired General.
"- Excuse me sir. I'm now the CO of your camp. I've found 2 guards assigned on a bench. Why did you put them there?"
"- What? The paint is still wet?!?"

[graham]

[graham]

I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas.

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count.

[graham]

[MalcolmR]

The German team turn up at Heathrow airport prior to the game.
Immigration Officer: ‘Occupation?’
German Captain: ‘Nah, just a quick football match.’

[Bomber]

A Salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. " I'm afraid not sir" the clerk told him apologetically, " But down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes" Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later Isaac pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read. " Manicure, $20.00" " Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured. The next machine had a sign that read, "This machine Provides a service Men need When away from their wives, 50 cents." Isaac looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the salesman let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, Isaac was able to withdraw his tender unit, which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

[graham]

I saw this one on Facebook

I'm writing a book about all the things I should do in my life.

It's called an Oughtobiography!

[graham]

When I was young, I was poor.

But after years of hard work, I am no longer young.

[graham]

[MalcolmR]

[Bomber]

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet.

*Bonus Question: *Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives us two possibilities:

*1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
*2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So, which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by my girlfriend Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh God, I'm coming."

The student received an A+ !!!!!!

[MalcolmR]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired Cowboy in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous young woman in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The woman says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired Cowboy and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old Cowboy replies, "You bet. Just get that lion out of there."

[Bomber]

THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could insure a Super Bowl win.
>>
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
>>
>> KABOOM!
>>
>> He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
>>
>> KA-BLOOEY!
>>
>> Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
>>
>> BULLS-EYE!
>>
>> "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
>>
>> So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
>>
>> The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.
>>
>>
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
>>
>>
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"
>>
>>
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won
the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
>>
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...
>>
>>
>>
>>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago."

[frodi]

A frail old man goes up to the gaffer on a building site.
"Any chance of a job? I'll do anything."
The gaffer looks at him and says "sure you're barely able to lift a hammer, you're no use to me."
The old man pleads. "things are bad and I really need the money."
The gaffer feels some pity. "Can you make tea?"
"Sure I can, the best tea you've ever tasted."
"Can you drive a fork lift?"
"Jaysus, how big is your fning tea pot?"

[graham]