From the Pastor to the pew - religious themes.

[MalcolmR]

Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!

[Gimpy]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other :
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.
'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.'
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here.'
And then what?' asked a woman. Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'

[graham]

Church Services in 2018

PASTOR: "The Lord be with you!"

CONGREGATION : And with your spirit"

PASTOR: "Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Corinthians, 13:13.

And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon."

P-a-u-s-e......

"Now, Let us pray committing this week into God's hands.

Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God"

S-i-l-e-n-c-e

"As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready."

"You can log on to the church Wi-Fi using the password 'Lord909887.'

The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:

a. Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church.

b. Those who prefer to use iPads can open them.

c. Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cell phones to transfer your contributions to the church account.

The holy atmosphere of St. Matthew’s becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!

Final Blessing and Closing Announcements.

a This week's ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages where the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don't miss out.

b. Thursday's Catechism Study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don't miss out.

c. You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counseling and prayers.

God bless and have a nice day.

[sandyi]

Mark 17

A Paster told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand please read mark 17:4-7."
The following sabbath, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, he asked for a show of hands. To see how many had read the chapter and verse. Every hand went up. The Paster smiled opening his Bible and said, " Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

[Gimpy]

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.
On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest came in.
I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replied: "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!"

[Bomber]

Never lie to your Rabbi





At Friday night services, Morris goes to his friend Irving and says, "I need a favor. I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?"



Irving is not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees.



After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions - just to keep him occupied.



After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks, "Irving, what are you really up to?"



Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."



The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder, and says, "You better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago!"

[MalcolmR]

A Priest goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Priest explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

[MalcolmR]

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud;
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole fucking thing

[frodi]

Squirrels In Church
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks laterthe squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

[Gimpy]

A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.
As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're shitting me, right? You can't even find the Post Office ... "

[graham]

My attempts to buy an Indulgence online have failed.

All the Vatican website gave me was PayPal Bull...

[graham]

I went to see a Faith Healer show yesterday.

He was rubbish, even a man in a wheelchair walked out...

[graham]

[frodi]

A black Jewish kid goes up to his dad.
"Am I more black or more Jewish?" he asks.
"Why do you want to know?" his did replies.
"Tommy in school offered to sell me his bike for $50. I want to know if I should bargin him down to $40 or just steal the bike."

[MalcolmR]

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

[graham]

Just seen this on Twitter:

Wise Man: How is the newborn baby Jesus doing?

Joseph: He's in a stable condition...

[MalcolmR]

[MalcolmR]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee. Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. “Well,” he said, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.”
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip. “I went out and found me a bear and then I began to read to my bear from the Bible! But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.”
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it - circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

[Bomber]

A modern orthodox Jewish couple goes to the rabbi with some questions before their wedding.

"Rabbi, I know that men & women are kept separate during the ceremony, but I would like to dance with my new bride. Is it possible?"

The rabbi emphatically says "No, that's forbidden. Must can only dance with men & women can only dance with women. It is forbidden for men & women to touch each other."

The man says "I know men & women can't touch if they're not married to each other, but since we will be married, can't I dance with my bride?"

"No, absolutely 100% forbidden."

"But how about sex after the wedding?"

The rabbi says "Not only is that permitted, but it is a mitzvah, a commandment, for husband & wife to have sex."

"Can we have sex in any position?"

"Of couse."

"With the woman on top?"

"Certainly."

With the woman laying on her stomch?"

"Of course."

"Even doggy-style?"

The rabbi hesitates for a few seconds before saying "Definitely."

"How about standing up?"

"No" the rabbi shouts, "that is forbidden"

"Why is that forbidden?"

"It may lead to dancing!"

[graham]

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

“Your Holiness,” said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”

The Pope thought this was a good idea but he had never held a golf club in his hands. “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?” he asked.

“None who plays very well,” the Cardinal replied, “but there’s a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr Netanyahu as our personal representative. in addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

“I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness.” said Nicklaus.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus.” said the Pope.

“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”

“There’s bad news?” asked the Pope.

“Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.”

[frodi]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

[graham]

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for
the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.

* * * * *

Just saw a guy wearing T-Shirt that reads "Truth + God = Life"

Thank god I'm good at math, Truth = Life - God

[frodi]

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.'
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly.
I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years.
I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.
It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.
The dead bastard had a twin.

[graham]

There were two beggars sitting next to each other on the street. One of them had a sign saying "Please Give" next to a large Star of David, while the other had a sign saying "Please Give" next to a large cross.

A man stopped to watch them. He noticed that most people would just pass by the beggar with the Star of David, then stop and make a large donation to the beggar with the cross.

Eventually, he saw enough, and walked over to offer some advice. "Sir, I realize that you must express your faith, but surely you can see how much more money your Christian fellow here is making? If you converted, or even pretended to convert, you'd make much more money." Then he dropped a chunk of money in the beggar's hat and left.

The two beggars watched him go, then the one beggar turned to the other and said "Would you look at that, Moyshe? Some gentile trying to teach the Moskowitz brothers how to do business."

[Bomber]

“Don't eat the forbidden fruit.”
“We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve ... we got forbidden fruit!”
“No way!”
“Don't eat that fruit!” said God.
“Why?”
“Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God. A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break.
“Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit!?”
“Uh huh,” Adam replied.
“Then why did you?”
“I dunno,” Eve answered.
“She started it!” Adam said.
“DID NOT!!”
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

[Bomber]

Every time a new pope is elected, there are a lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well, there's one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after the new pope is enthroned, the chief rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope.

The pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.

The chief rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next pope is elected.

John XXIII was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the chief rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the chief rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

"My brother," the pope whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The chief rabbi shrugs and replies, "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history."

The pope said, "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret."

The chief rabbi agreed. Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the chief rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it.

They both gasped with shock.

It was the check for the last supper

[Bomber]

A recent rabbinical graduate is being interviewed for an assistant rabbi position. After questioning by board members, the congregation president asked, “What salary were you looking for?”

The young rabbi thinks for while and says, “How about $400,000 a year depending on the benefit package?”

The board president responds, “Well, what would you say to that salary plus 5 weeks vacation a year, a matching 401k of 50% of your salary, full medical and dental plans and a new rental car every two years?”

The young rabbi responds,
“Wow, are you kidding me?”

The president responds, “Ya, but You started the kidding!”

[Bomber]

It was worth a try . . .
A man tries to enter Heaven but is stopped by the Angel who keeps the Pearly Gates.
The Angel explains that it is not easy to get into Heaven. There is a certain criterion to be met before entry is allowed.
The Angel asks the man several questions.
Was he religious in life?
He answers, "No!"
Did he attend shul on Shabbos and Yom Tovim?
He answers, "No!"
Did he give Tzedakah to the poor?
He answers, "No!"
Did he do any good deeds while on earth?
He answers, "No!"
Did he help his neighbor?
He answers, "No!"
The Angel says, "Not good! Not good at all!"
In exasperation the Angel says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this little old lady who was surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels when I came out of the drugstore. They had taken her purse and were shoving her, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought my way through the crowd and got her purse back. I helped her to her feet. Then I went up to the biggest, meanest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was; and then I spit in his face."
"Wow", says the Angel, "That's impressive. When did this happen?"
"Oh, about ten minutes ago," replied the man.

[frodi]

A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of
myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …
“You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”

[graham]

Not sure where else to post this...