The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE]

[MalcolmR]

Posted by MJ on Mar. 20 2002,11:08
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly 2 hours with a tirade of his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 or 3 days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Mar. 20 2002,11:18
A newlywed couple are getting undressed on their wedding night. After taking off his pants, the husband tosses them over to his new bride. "Put those on," he says. His wife looks at him. "What did you say?" "Go ahead, put them on," he says. "Well.... okay." She replies, and she puts the pants on. However, even after tightening the belt they're still too big for her and they just fall down around her ankles. "I can't wear these," she says. The husband looks at her and says, "Now just remember that. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family and don't you forget it!" The wife immediately slips off her panties and throws them to her husband. "Put those on," she says. "What? What are you talking about?" he asks. "Go ahead," says the bride. "You made me do it, now you go ahead and put those on." "Well, okay," he says, and he stars to put the panties on. They're way too small and he can't even get them up past his thighs. "I can't get into these," he says. The bride looks at him and says, "That's right, and unless your attitude changes, you're not going to either

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Mar. 20 2002,20:18
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Mar. 21 2002,21:33
Dinner Conversation

WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?

MAN: No, she's left-handed.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by MJ on Mar. 22 2002,11:03
"The Note"
John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to deliver a note which he wrote to her. The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note through their son. The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note. The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Mar. 23 2002,19:25
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Mar. 23 2002,21:39
Standing at the edge of the lake, a fisherman saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Another man was standing on the shore screaming for help.

The fisherman ran over to the man. "Help!" the other man yelled, "I can't swim! My wife's drowning! I'll give you $1000 if you save her!"

The fisherman jumps in the water, swims powerfully out to the drowning woman, puts his arm around her, and swims back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman coughs up water, then says, "[cough] OK, bud, where's my grand?"

"But, this is my mother-in-law!"

The fisherman reaches into his pocket with a frown and says, "Just my luck. Ok, how much do I owe you?"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Mar. 25 2002,18:19
A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"

The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend in on liquor are you?"

"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.

"You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman.

"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.

"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man.

"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."

The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"

"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Mar. 26 2002,08:44
The Mechanic !

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public. From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Mar. 26 2002,08:45
FART FOOTBALL

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he shits the bed. The wife looks and says, "What the Hell was that?" The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Mar. 26 2002,08:47
A nurse giving a sponge bath to a woman in a coma, notices a response on the vital-signs monitor when she touches the woman's genitals.

Thinking fast, she finds the woman's husband and suggests that oral sex just might bring her out of the coma. He is skeptical but agrees. After a few minutes, alarms go off as the woman's monitor flat-lines.

The nurse rushes into the room and finds the husband pulling up his pants. "What's going on?" yells the nurse. "I don't know... I think she choked!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Mar. 28 2002,15:21
Big Butt

A couple have been married for about fifteen years and one fine summer day as they are working in the yard, the man tells his wife....

Man: Your butt is getting fat.....

She gets ticked off and moves to another part of the yard. The husband follows her...

Man: You know, that gas grill over there? I'll bet your butt is as big as that grill. It's huge!

The wife really gets mad and tells him he can finish the yard himself and goes inside.

The husband, still playful and fixated, finds a yardstick and measures the grill, goes inside and measures his wife...

Man: Yup, they are both the same size

The wife doesn't appreciate his sense of humor and is very livid! She doesn't speak to him for the rest of the day.

When the man comes to bed at night, he cuddles up next to his wife....

Man: Hey, honey, how 'bout it?

The wife thinks for a moment and pulls away.

Man: What's wrong?

Wife: You're crazy if you think I'm gonna fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie!!!!!

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Mar. 28 2002,16:10
A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra.

He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him.

"What color?" they asked. He settled for white.

"How much does it cost?" he asked.

"Twenty dollars." "Very good," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.

"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?"

"No," he said, "nothing like that."

"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles."

He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Mar. 28 2002,16:47
Her Side of the Story

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.

We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him, and he just put his arm around me! I didn't know what the hell that meant because, you know, he doesn't say it back or anything.

We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to break up with me! Why didn't he want to talk about this? So I tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV. Why would he rather watch TV than talk to me?

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep, hoping he would get the hint that I was upset and wanted to talk. I was so hurt that he was out there watching TV while I was in here going through emotional turmoil.

Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex. I thought that maybe he would open up after we shared an intimate experience like that, but he still seemed really distracted.

So afterwards I just wanted to leave because I was so upset, but I just cried myself to sleep. He didn't even notice how upset I was!

I don't know, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm on emotional overload. I'm so confused. I don't think he loves me anymore.

Why does he have to play mind games with me? I mean, do you think he's met someone else???


His Side of the Story

Played badly today - shot 93 - can't putt. Felt kinda tired. Got laid though

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Mar. 28 2002,17:25
A newlywed couple and their families were in court. The judge was questioning the best man about the fight which broke out at the wedding reception a few weeks earlier.

"Your Honor, we were having a wonderful time. Everyone was dancing and celebrating. As you know,... it's traditional for the best man to have a dance with the bride. And that's exactly what I was doing when the fight broke out. After our first dance, the music continued, so I danced with her during the second song. After that, the music STILL continued, so I danced with her during the third song. That's when the groom jumped over the tables and gave the bride a powerful kick in the crotch and a couple of punches to her breasts."

"Wow, that must've been very painful." said the judge.

"You bet it was painful!" replied the best man. "It broke six of my fingers and gave me a fat lip!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Mar. 29 2002,14:12
Seven Ages of the Married Cold


1st year--The husband says, "Oh, sweete pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from Tosini's. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."

2nd year--"Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"

3rd year--"Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"

4th year--"No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"

5th year--"Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"

6th year--"You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"

7th year--"For pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Mar. 30 2002,08:41
Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, or 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January,one for February, one for March........"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on April 08 2002,15:34
A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, “Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on April 08 2002,19:04
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer. . .. . .for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on April 09 2002,14:19
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on April 12 2002,04:39
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.' "

"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' "

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on April 12 2002,08:42
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested.

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it never worked."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on April 14 2002,13:38
A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance!

Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance.

Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer.

It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."

"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"

"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

[MalcolmR]

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor."

"Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

[MalcolmR]

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other.

The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.

"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though: She gave me $20 change!''

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on April 18 2002,13:08
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to do blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Nan on April 22 2002,07:47
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, and tears ran down her face.

Her praying roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Susan," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Don't talk."

He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."

"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on April 24 2002,04:49
"If husbands could realize what large returns of profit may be gotten out of a wife by a small word of praise paid over the counter when the market is just right, they would bring matters around the way they wish them much oftener than they usually do." --Mark Twain.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on April 24 2002,11:31
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented,
"When we were first married, you took the small piece
of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the
large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love me any more..."

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on April 25 2002,07:37
10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'.
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "

4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'

3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight
She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.