Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 5, 2014 0:53:07 GMT -5
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle, For example when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged masculine features enough to make you go wow. However when she is menstruating she prefers a man doused in petrol & set on fire with scissors sticking out of his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside:-)
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 5, 2014 0:55:49 GMT -5
I work abroad a lot and recently came home for a 28-day break.
My wife said, "While you're back I want to have sex at least 28 times."
"That's great", I said. "Put me down for two."
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 5, 2014 0:57:19 GMT -5
This is what Marriage is all about
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered
"THE TEETH!"
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 5, 2014 0:58:49 GMT -5
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating.
I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast, when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. “Ed! The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it.” “You know where the button is,” I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). “Reset it yourself!” “I am scared!” she pleaded. “What if it starts going and sucks me in?” (Pause) “C’mon, it’ll only take a second.”
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn’t a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a “fight or flight” syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the “flight” option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful talk about. “What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?” If they had only known.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 5, 2014 1:08:41 GMT -5
After a night out on the town, Bill woke up in the morning staring at one of the ugliest woman he'd ever seen. That's when he realised he had made it home safely
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 5, 2014 1:13:08 GMT -5
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 5, 2014 1:13:24 GMT -5
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 5, 2014 1:16:22 GMT -5
Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers
"Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 7, 2014 3:35:47 GMT -5
I explained to my wife that when you're reincarnated you have to come back as a different creature. She said that she would like to come back as a cow I told her she was obviously not bloody listening !
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 7, 2014 3:48:52 GMT -5
On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere." Written just below it . . . "I do not."
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 7, 2014 3:49:19 GMT -5
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard
They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a text message from the boat
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and it had a pearl worth £50,000 .....please advise"
The old man texted back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 7, 2014 3:49:45 GMT -5
I looked out on the destruction. Smashed windows, cars turned upside down, a bus on fire, people running scared, police unsure what move to make. . . .
I turned to the wife and said 'Chin up darling, you did your best, but maybe I should park the car!'
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 8, 2014 4:59:24 GMT -5
Man wakes up and asks wife...do you want a coffee or sex?... she says.. I'm not bothered, they'll both will be instant.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 8, 2014 5:20:19 GMT -5
I said to my wife,"why do you have that great big handbag when there's nothing in it"
she said,"well you wear underpants!!!!!!!"
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 8, 2014 5:21:14 GMT -5
The marriage counsellor turned to me and said, "Mr Burniston, you've not said a single word to your wife in our discussions tonight?"
"I haven't needed to really," I replied, "Your receptionist brought me a cup of tea earlier."
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 9, 2014 7:53:26 GMT -5
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!”
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f***ing' widow."
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 9, 2014 7:55:07 GMT -5
Our neighbours son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand job. I said "now, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 9, 2014 7:58:28 GMT -5
It's three years on Monday since I lost my wife... it was on a pair of aces. She was so ugly that the next day the bloke who won her rang to say "I've got to tell you I cheated, take her back." I said "So did I, keep her."
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 9, 2014 7:59:01 GMT -5
The wife said "I want you out, you do nothing to help and are the laziest man I've ever known - pack your bags." I said "You pack them."
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 9, 2014 8:01:53 GMT -5
A bloke walks into a newsagents and says to the big busted assistant "Can I have 20 filter tits please love?" She gives him a dirty look and he says "Oh I'm so sorry, I meant 20 filter tips" and rushed out of the shop, extremely embarrassed. He says to his mate "God that was embarrassing, I just asked that girl for filter tits instead of filter tips." "Oh don't worry about that", says his mate, "that's called sublimation, it's when you inadvertently say something your thinking but don't want to say. Actually the very same thing happened to me this morning, I came and sat down to breakfast and I meant to say to the wife 'Could you pass me the milk please darling' but it came out as 'You're fat and ugly and you've ruined my life'."
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 10, 2014 0:46:10 GMT -5
Thankfully the bloke who got eaten by a shark in the Seychelles didn't suffer much...... he'd only been married 10 days..
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2014 23:33:48 GMT -5
my wife described my sexual performance last night as "woefully inadequate".
so pleased she,s noticed the improvement!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2014 23:34:12 GMT -5
God clearly created the orgasm so women can moan even when they are happy.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2014 23:38:07 GMT -5
Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2014 23:38:25 GMT -5
We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas .
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2014 23:38:40 GMT -5
I take my wife everywhere....
but she keeps finding her way back.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2014 23:39:11 GMT -5
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2014 23:39:28 GMT -5
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2014 23:40:12 GMT -5
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2014 23:41:05 GMT -5
My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
|
|