Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2014 23:41:25 GMT -5
She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2014 23:41:56 GMT -5
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2014 23:42:17 GMT -5
Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2014 23:42:37 GMT -5
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was?Always.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2014 23:43:00 GMT -5
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 12, 2014 23:43:39 GMT -5
The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 14, 2014 22:18:58 GMT -5
Came home from work the other night and the wife offered to slip into something that I might like......so I asked if a coma was possible!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 14, 2014 22:39:19 GMT -5
Lying in bed with Mrs last night I looked in her eyes and said 'seeing your face reminds me to do the lottery.'
With a smile she replied' that's so cute....is it because I'm worth millions to you?'
'No' I said........'I wish you'd roll over.'
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 14, 2014 22:39:42 GMT -5
I've been married to my wife ten years today.
Having sex with just one person in ten years is pure dedication.
I don't know how she does it.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 23:36:03 GMT -5
An old couple are having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"
So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 23:40:16 GMT -5
My wife came down this morning and said "Hey sexy, I found these sexy new crotchless undies in your wardrobe, I'm wearing them for you now. Wanna fool around?"
I said "No I bloody don't and take my new vest off you fat cow"
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:06:03 GMT -5
I no longer see my wife and kids and it's all because of gambling.
I won loads of money and moved to Spain.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:10:55 GMT -5
My wife says 'Strike when the iron's hot'
I tell her 'Iron when the iron's hot'
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:11:25 GMT -5
"I can't remember where I parked the car!" she said.
"Don't panic love.... Just look round for a small gathering of men slowly shaking their heads and tutting."
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:13:32 GMT -5
I decided to agree with my wife once.
Turns out we were wrong.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:18:29 GMT -5
My wife says, "I'm leaving you because you're always making jokes and mentioning my eating disorder."
I said, "What? You're the one that keeps bringing it up."
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:19:01 GMT -5
My wife said I'm crap in bed,
I said,"how can you tell in 30 seconds?"
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:19:36 GMT -5
My wife said to me in bed,"is this what they mean by speed dating?"
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:28:49 GMT -5
I just put a clip of my wife parking on YouTube, you've got to see it!
She had 20 hits in the first minute alone.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:29:18 GMT -5
Jeremy Irons
Silly b*stard that's his wife's job!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:35:12 GMT -5
A man and his ever nagging wife went on holiday to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, " You can have her shipped home for £5000, or bury her here in the Holy Land for £150" .The man thought about it and told him he would have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you pay £5000 to have your wife shipped home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here AND you would only spend £150?". The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!"
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:36:10 GMT -5
"Dear, why are there broken condoms on our couch?"
"Wife... Would you please call our children by their names."
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 1:53:18 GMT -5
Came home from work today and the Mrs was upset. Someone had stolen her knickers off the washing line. She wasn't too bothered about the knickers but she would like the twelve pegs back.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 1:56:38 GMT -5
A man had great tickets for the World Cup final. As he sat down, another man came over and asked if anyone was sitting in the seat next to him. "No," the first man replied. "The seat is empty." "That's incredible!" said the second man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?!?" The first man said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that," replied the second man. "That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The first man shook his head. "No, they're all at her funeral."
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 2:05:41 GMT -5
I love to pamper my wife after she's had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so the moment she walks through the door the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:22:09 GMT -5
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?" "Ralph, for THE FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:27:41 GMT -5
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica - no longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:28:40 GMT -5
My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer.
"I'm looking for some cheap flights," I replied.
"Oh that's great love," she said. "Have you found any? I'll help you look."
She usually isn't that interested in darts.
|
|
MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,730
Member is Online
|
Post by MalcolmR on Jun 7, 2014 10:14:59 GMT -5
Q: What do you call a woman who can't make sandwiches?
A: Single.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2014 23:30:43 GMT -5
Today I got the wife one of those handy little safety devices specifically designed to help women drivers avoid accidents. A bus pass.
|
|