Computers and Tech Support

[frodi]

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee
(now I know why they record these conversations!)

"Computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a C: prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does
it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."

[frodi]

101 Uses for AOL Disks
1. Mini cutting board (great for the office or the car, use metal door for knife).
2. Attach it to a ruler and presto! - you've got a fly swatter.
3. Construct a life size replica of Stonehenge.
4. At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.
5. Money clip (use metal door and discard the plastic case...the "rich nerd" look is IN this year).
6. Eye patch (for one-eyed software pirates).
7. Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).
8. Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
9. Glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as re-entry burn tiles.
10. Dentures (melt & form them into new teeth for grandma).
11. Room dividers for hamsters.
12. Drink coasters.
13. Use multiple disks to create an ideal door stopper.
14. Ice scraper.
15. Bathroom tile.
16. Bookmark.
17. Mini frisbee.
18. Air hockey puck.
19. Dog chew toy.
20. Dart board.
21. Pooper scooper.
22. Grill scraper.
23. Use them for karate board-breaking demonstrations (save a tree).
24. Wrist slicer - after receiving first AOL bill (use metal door).
25. Conversation piece for coffee table.
26. Destroy them - smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress.
27. Light switch cover.
28. Chinese throwing stars (tape 2 together).
29. Clay pigeons for target practice.
30. Greeting card (bind two together at one end).
31. Halloween treat (give them away all night long).
32. Bullet proof vest (arrange together in triple thickness).
33. Firewood.
34. Bird house.
35. Paper weights.
36. Pen holders (make a box without a top).
37. Post it-notes holder.
38. Refrigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back).
39. A very sturdy base for putting the motorcycle sidestand on when parking on soft surfaces.
40. Keep 'em in the trunk for extra traction in the snow.
41. Solar Eclipse Glasses (open door and look through disk at the sun/moon --actually works).
42. Placing one in each back pocket helps children who get paddled by the coach. This spreads the force to a wider area.
43. Make an AOL disk & pasta casserole.
44. Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the incense.
45. Bug Shield (glue a bunch to the front of your car's hood).
46. Put them on car windshields at the mall (along with this list).
47. Melt the plastic of the disks into a giant sculpture.
48. Hand them out as party favors.
49. Hidden/spare key holder (crack open 1 side, insert key and then place near door. Completely safe...who would want an AOL disk?)
50. Vertical blinds.
51. Be an AOL diskette surgeon and dissect a diskette.
52. Bench press weights (I can press 120).
53. Grind 'em up and refertilize the front lawn.
54. The new "Domino's stuffed-crust pizza" filling.
55. Tell the kids to leave warm milk & AOL disks for Santa.
56. Brake shoes.
57. House insulation.
58. Recycle them for the scrap metal.
59. Kitchen tile for Bill Gates' new mansion in Seatle (walk all over the competition)
60. Hockey Puck.
61. Add water and special plant life to make a Chia-Disk.
62. Noise maker for your bike spokes (why damage your valuable baseball cards).
63. Put one on a leash and drag it along as you walk...makes the perfect pet.
64. Poker chips.
65. Baseball practice (throw them up in the air and hit them with the bat).
66. Keychain (Put a key ring through one of the writeprotect holes and you've got a snappy executive bathroom keychain for the office).
67. Mail to 10 friends-start an AOL chain-letter (add a disk with each link).
68. Earmuffs (glue some fur on one side, then attach a U-shaped piece of bent coathanger to both disks).
69. Grind them up to make fake snow.
70. Earrings (put loop into write-protect hole).
71. Dental floss (use actual disk).
72. Use them for zipper pulls (instead of ski lift tickets).
73. When your collection of disks reaches 52, use them for a deck of cards.
74. Use them to fill potholes.
75. Hood ornament.
76. Snow blower replacement blades.
77. Put them in your shirt pocket to make you look smart.
78. Make two stacks of 10 and use them as heels for platform shoes.
79. Rubik's cube case (make into box).
80. Shipping material (keeps your photos from being bent in the mail).
81. Protect your table from burns caused by hot pots and pans.
82. Snack trays (great for holding hors d'oeuvres at parties).
83. Give them as stocking stuffers to all those people who piss you off.
84. Fly paper (use actual disk and put string through middle, hang 2" apart and apply honey to disks).
85. Pocket protector
86. They make a *dandy* addition to a #$*+&% neighbor's back yard. Better yet, get them to actually install it on their computer.
87. Use them as elbow and knee pads.
88. Wax scraper for snowboards.
89. Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Computer City underwater.
90. Tape a few together and use them as a mouse pad.
91. Collect a large mass and detonate a supernova.
92. A wind clacker (similar to a wind chime).
93. Soap dish (remove metal to prevent rusting).
94. Row markers for your vegetable garden. (carrots, beans, peas....)
95. Makes the perfect dance floor for your ant colony.
96. Bread roller (use actual disks and put rod through center-use about 100).
97. Hot glue gun resting/protecting pad.
98. Baby mobile.
99. Fence (may need a few thousand).
100. Toe tags for mortuaries. Great for identifying dead computer nerds.
101. Wonderbra inserts for that Madonna-techno look.

[frodi]

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow.

All the other colours would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colours are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every colour of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.

I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

[frodi]

Favorite Graffiti scrawled on the bathroom walls at Microsoft:

~*~ Bill Gates Downloads Here

~*~ Do Not Flush Mouse Pads Down The Toilet

~*~ To Flush, Press Handle. You Do Not Need To Hold Control, Alt, And Delete At The Same Time.

~*~ For a good time, e-mail SUZIE@ohmygod/Im/about/tohave/an.org

~*~ MICROSOFT: Where Do You Want To Go Today? ... in the crapper!

~*~ Ray has a 3 1/2 inch floppy! Carl still plays with his Wang! Yeah, well you both still program in DOS - Fred Byte Me! - Ray & Carl

~*~ Bill Gates tossed his cookies here

~*~ Why can't Bill Gates get a date? Because he is MICROSOFT

~*~ Microsoft Speelchecker Rules!

~*~ Your mother is so fat, it takes 25 minutes to download a naked picture of her

~*~ THE BASIC PROGRAM:
10: Enter
20: Lower Pants
30: Try Real Hard
40: If Nothing, Then goto 30
50: If something, Them goto 60
60: Wipe Butt
70: Exit

~*~ IBM UBM, at Microsoft we all BM

~*~ JESUS SAVES! BUT WOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN BETTER IF HE WOULD HAVE INVESTED in Microsoft?

[frodi]

You just gotta love those stupid questions you get in tech support!

For example today a caller asked our secretary, "Is the server down?" She repeated the question to me and I asked her to find out which one of our 20+ servers he was talking about. "What was he trying to access so I can determine what his real problem is" I told her.

I also love the generic question of "Is the internet down?" One of these days I am going to be a smartass and tell them:

"Yes, the entire internet all over the world is down. Some jerk in California didn't pay the monthly fees to Microsoft, so Bill Gates shut down the internet. Call their tech support number to complain about their actions."

And then there's the dumb blonde on the 2nd floor. "I can't print" is her frequent complaint. I tell her, "Just shut the printer off and turn it back on."

What I really want to say to her is, "You stupid wench, can't you remember the simple power-off/power-on procedure I have repeated to you a hundred times in the past?"

Yeah, I know this isn't belly-busting funny. Just kind of wanted to vent.

[frodi]

Signs You are Forgetting the Difference Between Your Eyes and Your GeForce

11. You look at sunset and think "I wonder if I can get this in 1024x768".
10. You blink and think "crap, more frame loss".
9. You stare at a leaf for hours and hours trying to discern the pixels.
8. You refer to people who use artificial things like Glasses and Contacts as "lousy VooDoo folk".
7. You avoid large groups for fear of overloading your Polygon renderer.
6. Looking towards the horizon, you proudly announce "I found the Clipping plane".
5. Your vision get blurry and immediately you think "crap, need new drivers."
4. When you drive and the other guy has his brights on, you curse the Gamma rates.
3. You seriously believe one eye has better OpenGL support than the other.
2. You complain to your doctor about biased benchmarks after failing your eye exam.
1. You sing the praises of nvidia engineers each time you see your reflection in a car bumper.

[frodi]

Top Ten Reasons Why More Women are Using Computers

1. It's easier for a woman to "turn on" a computer.

2. Women don't have motherboard fixations.

3. Women are much better at FDISK-ing a hard drive.

4. When lost on the Internet, women are willing to ask for directions.

5. Women can communicate gossip and rumors quicker than the fastest modem.

6. Only women (I think) can marry Bill Gates.

7. Women see a 14 inch monitor they think it's a 14 incher and not a 20.

8. Women have bigger SMART drives.

9. Women don't think with their joysticks.

10. Women actually read installation manuals.

[frodi]

Sex Manual for Computer Experts

1. Be user friendly

2. Take bytes (nibbles)

3. Fondle joystick

4. Spread sheet

5. Fix surge protector

6. Activate hardware

7. Insert disc, all the way (yes yes)

8. Do it until it megabytes

9. Back it up

10. Eject floppy

[frodi]

Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. {Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the works.} In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:

* GPF key - This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.

* $$ key - When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.

* ZD key - This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.

* MS key - This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.

* FUD key - Something to do with the display ... self explanatory.

* Chicago key - Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.

* IBM key - Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is very effective at removing Netscape).

* MSN key - With a single keystroke you will install and setup the world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win XP!

* RWXP key - Stands for Re-install Windows XP. Because it's usually a weekly ritual for most Win XP users, why not make it easier?

* FDISK key - Microsoft's new compression utility gives you 100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all know what it really stands for.

[frodi]

Everytime I log onto the seven dwarfs website my computer screen goes snow white....

Customer: I cleaned my computer and now it doesn't work any more.
Repairman: What did you clean it with?
Customer: Soap and water.
Repairman: Don't you know you're not supposed to touch a computer with water?
Customer: Oh, it wasn't the water that caused the problem...it was the spin dryer

Customer: I think I've got a bug in my computer.
Repairman: Does your computer make a humming noise?
Customer: Yes.
Repairman: Then it must be a humbug

Did you hear about the monkey who left bits of his lunch all over the computer?
His dad went bananas.

Does the school computer have a brother?
No, but it's got lots of tran-sisters.

Excuse me, this computer has a cake instead of a plug.
Yes, sir, it's a currant bun.

Helpline? I've just pushed a piece of bacon into my disk drive!
Has the computer stopped working?
No, but there's a lot of crackling.

How did you get so good at computers?
I went to night school.

How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?
Hide their trainers.

[frodi]

I bought this computer yesterday and I found a twig in the disk drive!
I'm sorry, Sir, you'll have to speak to the branch manager.

If you don't stop tapping away at that keyboard I think I'll go crazy.
I think you already have, I stopped using the keyboard an hour ago.

I've been on my computer all night!
Don't you think you'd be more comfortable on a bed like everyone else?

I've been sitting at this computer for hours and I haven't seen a single website.
That's because you're supposed to sit facing the screen.

Mum, Mum, Dad's broken my computer!
How did he do that?
I dropped it on his head

PE Teacher: Why did you kick that ball straight at the school computer?
Pupil: You told me to put it in the Net.

Pupil: In other schools, pupils get a choice of computers to use.
Teacher: You get a choice her, too. Use the one we've got or don't use any at all.

Teacher: Look at the state of the school computer. I want that screen cleaned so I can see my face in it!
Pupil: But then it will crack and we won't be able to use it at all.

Teacher: Shall I put the school computer on?
Pupil: No, Miss, the dress you're wearing looks fine.

This computer you charged me £950 for doesn't work....and you said it would be trouble free.
It is, I charged you £950 for the computer, but you're getting all that trouble absolutely free

[frodi]

BOYFRIEND UPGRADE

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other "valuable" programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed "undesirable" programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

============================================

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such Applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another boyfriend program. These are not supported applications, and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.

In summary: Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does Have limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as that old standby...Lingerie 6.9 (which has been credited with improved performance of its hardware).

Good Luck,
Tech Support

[frodi]

Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company. Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way.
One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament. I looked up her password and informed her that it was 'DOME' and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password.

She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret. I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she did.
After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed.

"Well, what does it mean?", I asked. She hesitated and then replied, "It's two words."

There was a pregnant pause. I unlocked her system and simply said, "Have a nice day".

[frodi]

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

[frodi]

Customer: "Hello, is this tech support?"

Tech Support: "Yes, it is; what is the nature of the problem you're having?"

Customer: "I can't seem to power this thing up."

Tech Support: "If you are unable to boot your computer, sir, I suggest you contact the manufacturer. This is Internet technical support."

Customer: "Computer?"

Tech Support: "Yes, your computer."

Customer: "I don't have a computer."

Tech Support: "What is the item you are having difficulty with?"

Customer: "My new lawn mower."

Tech Support: (stifling a giggle) "Sir, you have reached Internet technical support. I suggest you double-check the number and try again."

Customer: "No, I'm sure I got it right. Are you going to send anybody out to fix this damn thing?"

Tech Support: "Sir, we do not support lawn mowers. Please check the number and try it again."

Customer: "What kind of *@#%! service is this? *&$#^ you! I wasn't born yesterday, you know!" (click)

[frodi]

3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look."

Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"

[frodi]

A programmer for Hewlett-Packard went to the doctor complaining about pain in her wrists. The doctor poked and prodded her (with cold instruments) for a while and issued of a prognosis.

"You have carpal tunnel syndrome, but its in its early stages. You should be able to continue work, but you should give up half of your programming."

"Which half? Writing memos about it or attending meetings about it?"

[frodi]

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

[frodi]

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional." Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator"? (Wrong Answer)

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.


According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

[frodi]

If airlines operated like computers

DOS Airline Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again, then they push again jump on again, and so on.

Linux Airline Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes and ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench, and a copy of the seat how-to.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

Mac Airline All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Mach Airline There is no airplane. The passengers gather and shout for an airplane, then wait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch of people come, each carrying one piece of the plane with them. These people all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they're building. The plane finally takes off, leaving the passengers on the ground waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. After the plane lands, the pilot telephones the passengers at the departing airport to inform them that they have arrived.

Newton Airline After buying your ticket 18 months in advance, you finally get to board the plane. Upon boarding the plane you are asked your name. After 46 times, the crew member recognizes your name and then you are allowed to take your seat. As you are getting ready to take your seat, the steward announces that you have to repeat the boarding process because they are out of room and need to recount to make sure they can take more passengers.

OS/2 Airline To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill out a form showing where you want to sit and whether the plane should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you succeed in getting on the plane and the plane succeeds in taking off the ground, you have a wonderful trip...except for the time when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which case you will just have time to say your prayers and get in crash position.

Windows Airline The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly stewards and stewardesses, and easy access to the plane. After the plane arrives, 6 months late, you have a completely uneventful takeoff... then, once in the air the plane blows up without any warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Airline All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.

Unix Airline Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.

VMS Airline The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realize that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors.

[frodi]

ABBOT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den,
and I'm thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.

ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.

ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,
track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows!
Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal.
What do I need?

ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words.
But what program do I load?

ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"

ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me
a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What
do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is
none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels
two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and
I want to watch a movie.What do I do?

ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"

ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left.
It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need
something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer
at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll
still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years go.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business.
Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my
home business. You know-accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment.
I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer
crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and
I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere?
Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOT: No, you only need one Word - the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.

ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well.

[frodi]

There are some lines and comments in this one that are different from the above boyfriend/husband joke.
------------
Dear Tech Support:
Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!
Sincerely, XXX
Dear XXX:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.
Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate
Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.
In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.
Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled
with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.
Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".
Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!
Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.
After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support

[frodi]

I thought you all would want to know about this e-mail virus.

Even the most advanced programs from Symantec or McAfee cannot take care of this one.

It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.

Symptoms:

Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND".
Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should hit "DELETE".

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS".

[frodi]

Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broadband protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing.

One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked his Motorola 68040 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his garden. He thought to himself, “She looks user-friendly. I’ll see if she’d like an update tonight.”

Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like COBOL and a PRIME mainframe architecture that set Micro’s peripherals networking all over the place.

He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32-bit floating point processors and inquired “How are you, Honeywell?”

“Yes, I am well”, she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.

Micro settled for a straight line approximation. “I’m stand-alone tonight”, he said, “How about computing a vector to my base address? I’ll output a byte to eat, and maybe we could get offset later on.”

Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8 K. “I’ve been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh my disks. I’ll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside.”

She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, “Wow, what a global variable, I wonder if she’d like my firmware?”

They sat down at the process table to top of form feed of fiche and chips and a bucket of baudot. Mini was in conversation mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave the occasional acknowledgements, although, in reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally settled on the old ‘Would you like to see my benchmark routine’, but Mini was again one step ahead.

Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating system software. “Let’s get BASIC, you RAM”, she said. Micro was loaded by this; his hardware was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about. “Core”, was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off.

Micro soon recovered, however, when Mini went down on the DEC and opened her divide files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root device and was just about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she attempted an escape sequence.

“No, no!”, she cried, “You’re not shielded!”

“Reset, Baby”, he replied, “I’ve been debugged.”

“But I haven’t got my current loop enabled, and I can’t support child processes”, she protested.

“Don’t run away”, he said, “I’ll generate an interrupt.”

“No, that’s too error prone, and I can’t abort because of my design philosophy.”

Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be turned off. But Mini soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.

“Computers!” she thought, as she recompiled herself. “All they ever think of is hex!”

[frodi]

reposted from rec.humor
Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly." "Clearly, Brian Hillis is a racist, and a dirtball to boot."

Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Peach Pshawski (God Bless You!), by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of .........."

Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From OPINION to EZ-READER to PETS to CHIT-CHAT, they're all holding their breaths until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.

Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't *possibly* be that you're a #anatomypart@. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it.

Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin & Yang of flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, |Didley has libelled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, |Didley."

Force them to document their claims: Even if Ralph Gagliano states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Ralph's pasta preferences, then Ralph's obviously lying.

Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum", "vini, vidi, vici", "fetuccini alfredo".

Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you're a member of Mensa or Mega or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic'".

Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to Netusers is either a communist, a fascist, or both.

Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of flamers' logic.

Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.

When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: insult the dirtbag!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with ..........."
The Golden Rule of Flaming:

My flames will be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic, or sarcastic, but never, ever, will they be boring.

[frodi]

Not sure it is the right place for this one but it had to do with puters so here goes...

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.

And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now..."

[frodi]

The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.

The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e- mails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.

The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.

The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.

The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

and last but not least ...


The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

[frodi]

"C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg" - Bjarne Stroustrop.

Maybe it's funny, maybe not. How the hell would I know?

[frodi]

Scenes from a chatroom ...
Code Sample
<kylev> BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
<kylev> hahahahaha
<kylev> some girl just came onto our floor
<kylev> and was yelling "sexual favors for anyone who does my sociology paper"
<kylev> i just asked her what the paper was about
<kylev> and she said the accomplishments and growth of feminism
<Neo> bahahahaha

Code Sample
<kritical> christin: you need to learn how to figure out stuff yourself..
<Christin1> how do i do that

Code Sample
SparTacus ([e-mail]) has joined #santcuary
*SparTacus is now known as Betty_Guns
wacko Jacko ([e-mail]) has joined #santcuary
<wacko_Jacko>ok spartacus just came n here i know it. which one of you is that loser?
<hunney> I am spartacus
<ji_pper>no im spartacus
<Betty_Guns>I am spartacus
<mistr>I’m spartacus
<wacko_Jacko>ur all freaks thats what u r

[frodi]

A few more scenes from a chatroom ...
Code Sample
<Cthon98> hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars
<Cthon98> ********* see!
<AzureDiamond> hunter2
<AzureDiamond> doesnt look like stars to me
<Cthon98> <AzureDiamond> *******
<Cthon98> thats what I see
<AzureDiamond> oh, really?
<Cthon98> Absolutely
<AzureDiamond> you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2
<AzureDiamond> haha, does that look funny to you?
<Cthon98> lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that
<Cthon98> yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> awesome!
<AzureDiamond> wait, how do you know my pw?
<Cthon98> er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause its your pw
<AzureDiamond> oh, ok.

Code Sample
<tag> Ouroboros: lets play Pong
<Ouroboros> Ok.
<tag> | .
<Ouroboros> . |
<tag> | .
<Ouroboros> . |
<tag> | .
<Ouroboros> | .
<Ouroboros> Whoops

Code Sample
<Ben174> : If they only realized 90% of the overtime they pay me is only cause i like staying here playing with Kazaa when the bandwidth picks up after hours.
<ChrisLMB> : If any of my employees did that they'd be fired instantly.
<Ben174> : Where u work?
<ChrisLMB> : I'm the CTO at LowerMyBills.com
*** Ben174 ([e-mail]) Quit (Leaving)