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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2014 0:03:58 GMT -5
Dad whats a TRAN SEXUAL
Ask yer mother He will know.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2014 0:04:55 GMT -5
Chelsea fans up in arms about possible move away from Stamford Bridge... a spokesman for the supporters club wiped a tear from his eye an said "you cant just bulldoze 10 years of history"
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graham
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Post by graham on Jul 15, 2014 18:53:00 GMT -5
Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.
The Policeman asks Heisenberg, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
The Constable looks at him in confusion and says, "You were going 108 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws up his arms and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"
The Police Officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the boot.
"A cat," Schrödinger replies.
The cop opens the boot and says, "Do you know this cat is dead?"
Schrödinger replies, "I do now."
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frodi
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Post by frodi on Nov 21, 2014 9:47:32 GMT -5
Aplomb !
His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly. "May I ask you a question my lord?" "Go ahead Carson " said his lordship. "I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on." "What word is that?" said his lordship. "Aplomb" , my lord. "Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure." "Thank you, my lord, but I'm still a little confused." "Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?" "I remember the occasion very well, my lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them." "Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?" "I was present on that occasion, my lord, ministering to their needs." "While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply." Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident, my lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief." "That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender." "Yes, my lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening." "The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice, 'Darling does your prick still throb?'" And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! Now that is aplomb!
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graham
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Post by graham on Apr 26, 2015 19:33:57 GMT -5
I've decided to sell my Theramin.
I can't remember the last time I touched it.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Oct 26, 2016 10:34:35 GMT -5
There are three types of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't.
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frodi
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Post by frodi on Oct 29, 2016 15:55:07 GMT -5
A coach load of football supporters crashes down a motorway embankment on its way back to Liverpool after winning a match against Chelsea one Saturday night. All the supporters are killed. St Peter is confronted by 60 Scousers, all drunk from celebrating and noisy. They weren't on his list for the day, he'd have to start a whole load of paperwork and he was about to close up for the night and prepare for his day off, so he doesn't really want to let them in. He tells them to wait outside the pearly gates while he goes to discuss it with God. God tells him that while he understands St Peter's concerns, he really has no alternative but to meet with them all and decide who can come in and who should be sent downstairs. Reluctantly St Peter trudges off to sort it all out.
Ten minutes later, St Peter returns to see God again. God asks him what he's doing back so soon.
"They've gone," says St Peter.
"What, all 60 scousers?" asks God.
"No, the pearly gates."
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graham
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Post by graham on Dec 23, 2016 10:32:23 GMT -5
A lorry carrying Vicks Vaporub crashed earlier today on the M27 motorway, spilling its load.
Police have now cleared the scene and don't expect any congestion for the next 8 hours.
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graham
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Post by graham on Dec 23, 2016 10:33:08 GMT -5
A friend bought his partner a false leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, more of a stocking filler.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Dec 29, 2016 11:03:46 GMT -5
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".
One week later, the British authorities reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuck all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
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graham
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Post by graham on Jan 1, 2017 7:14:37 GMT -5
Happy new arbitrary starting point of an ongoing cycle of orbits of a piece of rock and water around 2*10^30 kg of exploding hydrogen!
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Jan 13, 2017 11:24:18 GMT -5
A couple of Tornadoes were escorting a C-130 Hercules.
To pass the time the Tornado pilots were chatting with the pilot of the Herc.
Talk eventually settles on the relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course the Tornado pilots contended that their aircraft were far better because of their superior speed, manoeuvrability, weaponry, and so forth, while putting down the Herc’s deficiencies in these areas.
After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot said, "Oh really chaps? Well, let me tell you that I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about."
Naturally, the other two pilots challenged him to demonstrate.
"Just watch," came the quick retort.
And so they watched. But all they saw was that the C-130 continued to fly straight and level..
After several minutes the Herc pilot came back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"
Not having seen anything, the Tornado pilots replied, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"
And the Herc pilot replied, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, grabbed a cup of coffee, then went back and took a pee."
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graham
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Post by graham on Feb 13, 2017 8:35:46 GMT -5
Two tourists are driving through Wales and at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they stop for lunch.
One of the tourists asks the waitress, "Before we order, Miss, could you settle an argument. Can you pronounce where we are?"
Very, very, very slowly the girl leans over and says "Burrr... Gurrr... King!"
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graham
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Post by graham on Feb 16, 2017 20:07:38 GMT -5
Vincent Price is taller than Katie Price, but heavier than Alan Price.
I found all of this out on a price comparison website.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Feb 25, 2017 13:11:31 GMT -5
An Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer were sitting together in a carriage in a train. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carraiges and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Englishman was thinking, "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead." Claudia Schiffer was thinking, "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it." And the Irishman was thinking, "This is fucking great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English fucker again."
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 4, 2017 13:31:27 GMT -5
Brummie walks into a tailors. "Alroit, mate. I'd like a 70s suit, please." The tailor says, "Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?" Brummie says, "Thanks mate, two sugars please."
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 4, 2017 13:35:04 GMT -5
A football fan in Manchester saw a Vicious dog attacking a pram. He ran over and fought the dog and killed it. A reporter from the Manchester Evening News says to him, "you're a hero and I can see the headlines now. United fan saves baby from dog!" The fan says, "I'm not a United fan." The reporter says, "Ok, City fan saves baby from dog attack!" The fan says, "actually, I support Liverpool." "Ok," said the reporter, "Bastard Scouser murders family pet!"
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 10, 2017 12:28:05 GMT -5
My Wi-Fi just went down for ten minutes, so I had to talk to my family.
They seem like nice people.
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 12, 2017 13:06:02 GMT -5
WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT?
"My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7." - David Beckham
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." - Mark Viduka
"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." - Neville Southall
"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." - Paul Gascoigne
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." - Mark Draper
"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.” - Ugo Ehiogu
"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough." -Jonathan Woodgate
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." - Stuart Pearce
"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." - Lee Hendrie
"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country." - Ian Rush
"Germany are a very difficult team to play. They had 11 internationals out there today." - Steve Lomas
"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." - Barry Venison
"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet" - David Beckham
"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European" - Phil Neville
"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." - Mitchell Thomas
"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." - Alan Shearer
"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." - Johnny Giles
"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." - Thierry Henry.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 18, 2017 7:15:52 GMT -5
Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. " You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, I can't afford to be blamed for anything.
The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. "
My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me." " What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola. I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 24, 2017 13:56:29 GMT -5
Rules of Aviation.
· Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
· If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
· Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
· It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
· The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
· The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
· When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
· A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
· Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
· The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. The larger the angle of arrival, the smaller the probability of survival and vice versa.
· Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
· Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
· Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made.
· There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
· You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
· If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is a commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
· In the ongoing battle between objects made out of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
· Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from poor judgment.
· Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
· Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
· The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
· There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old bold pilots.
Remember half the people you know are below average
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Gimpy
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Post by Gimpy on Apr 22, 2017 19:39:33 GMT -5
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Apr 25, 2017 9:23:49 GMT -5
I was standing the pub last night , when a really ugly bird came up behind me, grabbed my arse and said. "Hey gorgeous how about you give me your number?"
So I said to her "Do you have a pen?" She said "Yes". "Well you'd better fuck off back to it before the farmer realizes you're missing". I snorted.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on May 14, 2017 7:38:44 GMT -5
Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London. Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair". Jock said to his pal, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I'll put on my best London accent". "OK Jock, I'll keep me mouth shut" said Jimmy.
They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap!"
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Jock. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on May 15, 2017 5:47:32 GMT -5
A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?' 'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey:)
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Jun 2, 2017 11:49:16 GMT -5
King Arthur was in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
‘This is no good, Merlin!’ the king exclaimed, ‘Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?’
‘Ah, sire, just observe,’ said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
‘Merlin, you are a genius!’ said the grateful monarch. ‘Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.’ After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
‘Sir Galahad,’ exclaimed King Arthur. ‘My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!’
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Jun 21, 2017 8:56:15 GMT -5
Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose. The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after take off.
Climbing out of the wreck, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?" Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.
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Gimpy
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Post by Gimpy on Jul 25, 2017 20:29:33 GMT -5
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself: "Ah,young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.
Suddenly he gasped and said: "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!," before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.
He arrived at the police station, out of breath, and shouted: "Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."
The police chief smiled and said: "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah - L'amour! Zis is OK."
"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Upon hearing this, Jean, leaped up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back (non-stop) to call the doctor.
He picked up the telephone and screamed: "Pierre, Pierre... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked having sex."
To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember...it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural.”
"Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply: "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed: "Mon dieu!," grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in his car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said: "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British."
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graham
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Post by graham on Aug 29, 2017 15:44:12 GMT -5
In a bid to improve standards, a West End restaurant dismissed a waiter for having two thumbs in the soup.
In related news, a Soho Club sacked a topless waitress for two similar offences.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Sept 11, 2017 6:28:24 GMT -5
I wonder if any Policeman has ever managed to keep a straight face while telling a woman she has the right to remain silent.
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