MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Jan 27, 2019 10:28:20 GMT -5
A teacher in Liverpool asks her class what football team they support. "Raise your hand if its Liverpool" everyone in the class raised their hand except one boy. "Who do you support then?" the teacher asks. Little boy replies "Manchester Utd". The teacher asks why. Little boy says "Well my mum and dad support them so I support them too." The teacher says "but you don't have to copy your mum and dad, what if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a smackhead?" Little boy replies, "Well I'd support Liverpool like the rest of you Scouse bastards."
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graham
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Post by graham on Jan 31, 2019 8:03:56 GMT -5
"How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?"
"Five pounds an inch."
"That's ridiculous! It's totally outrageous!"
"Why? What are you selling?"
"A ten-foot ladder!"
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Feb 26, 2019 13:10:21 GMT -5
A Scotsman appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything in your life of particular merit?", St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing", the Scotsman replied. "On a trip to the outskirts of Glasgow , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I asked them to leave her alone but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shite out of all of you!' " St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "A couple of minutes ago."
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graham
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Post by graham on Mar 11, 2019 19:33:18 GMT -5
How did Pavlov keep his hair soft and manageable?
He conditioned it...!
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graham
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Post by graham on Mar 25, 2019 7:08:36 GMT -5
Does anyone know how to cancel an eBay bid?
I offered £5 for a cowboy outfit and I'm 5 minutes away from owning the Conservative Party...
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Apr 4, 2019 12:25:16 GMT -5
WHAT DO WE WANT?
LOW FLYIING AEROPLANES!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
Neeeoooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Jun 2, 2019 13:15:04 GMT -5
Old Macdonald had a farm E I E I O
And on that farm he had tourettes, E I E I CUNT
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Jun 24, 2019 9:17:55 GMT -5
They are trying to tell us that plastics bags won't degrade for a thousand years. So how come the fields aren't full of them from medieval times?
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graham
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Post by graham on Jul 24, 2019 18:07:20 GMT -5
Ikea have announced that they won't take responsibility for any poorly assembled Cabinets in the next few days!
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Aug 6, 2019 10:48:51 GMT -5
Some bloke at a bus stop earlier hit me on the legs with a stick for no reason. Naturally, I retaliated and gave him a slap.
Just for good measure, I kicked his Labrador as well.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Aug 7, 2019 6:50:39 GMT -5
Young Swedish hottie goes to quaint little cottage in Scottish Highlands to learn English. Day 2 she asks lady of the house " where is shower"?. "You are in the Highlands now my dear, we don't have showers.we use a tin bath with kettles of hot water. Monday night is best as my husband goes to pub to play darts".
The next Monday,hubby heads off and out comes the kettles and the tub. The Scottish lady is stunned to see young lass is totally bald down below and when hubby comes in ,she can't wait to tell him. He says " no way, I don't believe you". She says, next Monday come home a little early and I will leave a gap in curtains so u can see for yourself".
Off he goes the following Monday and she is bringing in kettle after kettle. She points at Swede and says "what happened your hair?". Swede says Oh at home all the ladies shave down there, do you not do that here?". " Oh no" says she and she lifts her dress up and panties down revealing a massive bush. The Swede is stunned and continues her bath.
Woman slips up to bed awaiting the hubby and when he comes up she says " well I heard you coming to back early, what did you think of that"? He says "What the fuck possessed you to show your big wild hairy bush to that young lassie?" Wife is offended and says "What's the problem with that, you've seen my bush a thousand times"!
"Yeah I know, but none of the lads on the darts team have."
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Aug 9, 2019 12:53:06 GMT -5
An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite biscuits, freshly baked.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula...
"Fuck off," she said. "They're for the funeral."
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frodi
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Post by frodi on Aug 15, 2019 15:36:36 GMT -5
It is just before Scotland v England in the World Cup Group game.
Rooney goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".
Rooney looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Rooney goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Rooney 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Rooney 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
"I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down...
I got sent off after 12 minutes"
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Aug 23, 2019 3:34:27 GMT -5
40 Pikeys arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'
God says;- 'We are over the quota on Pikeys.
Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.
'They've gone', he tells God.
'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'
"No, the Gates..... "
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Aug 29, 2019 12:14:39 GMT -5
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Sept 3, 2019 13:47:43 GMT -5
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?” The mother says, “It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.” The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Debbie’s pregnant – about 4 months, would be my guess..” The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Debbie ?” Debbie says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man, I’m still a virgin!” The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out into space. About five minutes pass and finally, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?” The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there’s no way I’m going to miss it this time .
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Sept 25, 2019 12:23:15 GMT -5
Two Irish blokes are out hunting in the woods when Paddy says,"I'm dying for a shit,but I haven't got anything to wipe my arse with."
Mick says,"Have you got a fiver Paddy?" "Yes," says Paddy. "Well use that," replies Mick.
So Paddy goes off for 5 minutes and comes back with shit all over his hands and clothes.
Mick says,"What the fuck happened to you?"
Paddy looks at him and replies,"Have you ever tried to wipe your arse with four pound coins and two 50 pence pieces?
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graham
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Post by graham on Sept 25, 2019 16:48:58 GMT -5
When I was a kid, if my father swore, he would say "Pardon my French".
In my first foreign language lesson at school the teacher said "Does anyone know any French words...?"
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Sept 29, 2019 9:26:57 GMT -5
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Fuck off, mate, I'm on disability benefit'.
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graham
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Post by graham on Oct 3, 2019 19:07:33 GMT -5
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
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graham
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Post by graham on Oct 5, 2019 16:33:50 GMT -5
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Oct 6, 2019 11:33:10 GMT -5
Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the river Thames in London.........
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it"......''Well,' said the big Croc, What have you been eating"...?
"Politicians, same as you", replied the small Croc, 'And I can tell you how I catch them in the car park next to Parliament.....
I crawl up under one of their posh cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them, and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase....
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Oct 7, 2019 7:09:17 GMT -5
It is the season for husbands and fathers to be vigilant. Be aware of the actions of wives and offspring, for verily do they conspire. As days do grow short and the cold fingers of winter doth approach we have to stand united. Watch and be aware as they creep along passageways and even under the dark caverns beneath stairways. Be it known to you that their nefarious purpose is to seek control. Even whilst they are thus engaged do they refuse your wise counsel. They shirk from donning raiments that wouldst protect them. Even though thou hast laboured long hours to provide these garments, they do deny and defy thee. At what cost will you suffer, as thou dost sweat from the heat of their excesses. The comfort thou hast enjoyed, saving thy meagre wage, shall be cast aside in their selfish desires. I tell thee again brothers, be vigilant. Be strong. Stand against this uprising. Do not let them turn on the central heating.
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Oct 10, 2019 6:19:37 GMT -5
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Oct 13, 2019 11:25:42 GMT -5
In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Answer.... Throw your laundry in. We were all having a good laugh about this when this big beast of bloke tapped me on the shoulder and said 'I don’t find that very funny mate, my brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits,'
I said 'Sorry mate, did he drown?' 'No' he said, 'he choked on a sock.'
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Oct 13, 2019 15:20:54 GMT -5
A priest finds a dead pig by the side of the road.
He calls the police to tell them of his find.
"Did you give it the last rites?" joked the officer
"No", said the priest "I thought it better to inform the next-of-kin first".
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Oct 14, 2019 6:34:57 GMT -5
How many animals can you fit into a pair of panty-hose?
Two calves, an ass, a beaver, a shit-load of hares, a camel-toe and a fish nobody can find.
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frodi
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Post by frodi on Oct 18, 2019 13:44:53 GMT -5
Stolen from FB Jurgen Klopp flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi boy play football. Kloppy is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, Klopp gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the lad comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten up and now your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry..'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' screams his mum, 'it's your fucking fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Oct 19, 2019 12:11:55 GMT -5
Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them"...
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise"...? "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"...
So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch"...
Although impressed, Colin's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else"... Colin says.. "President Clinton"... His boss quickly retorts. "Yes"... Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington"... And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"...
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope"... His boss replies.
"Sure"... Says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time"... So off they fly to Rome...
Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope"... An he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened"...?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fucks that on the balcony with Colin"...?
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Oct 20, 2019 13:03:25 GMT -5
A Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a pub.
There should have been an Englishman and a Welshman with them, but they were still in Japan.
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