Humour from the UK

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A crate load of football shirts from Portsmouth have just been returned from Haiti with a note saying "we may have lost our families, we may have lost our homes, but by God we still have our pride!"

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Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
The sink's in the kitchen,
So why aren't you...?

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Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian
beers please.'

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, hire a car. and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.

'Ah, England !' says the bartender. 'Wonderful Country ... the history,the beer, the culture....'

'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. 'Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim?
And we can't stand the English; they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians.'

'So why keep going to England ?' asks the bartender.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive..

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Nigel Farrage, former leader of the UK Independence Party, was involved in plane crash when an Election Day stunt went wrong.

Air accident investigators have discovered the cause.

Apparently the plane had two right wings..

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Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely s**t. British intelligence officers have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.



FIFA has released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.



What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill? Robert Green has got a cap for his.



Fabio Capello told Wayne Rooney to have a long, hard look at himself in the mirror. Like that's going to improve his confidence!?



South African Police have been plagued with thieving, drug dealing and sex fiends, they say things will improve when John Terry's family f**k off home!



England have sensationally turned down a £70 million deal with a dog food company. Fans said the thought of the team wearing a shirt with WINALOT on the front was taking the piss!



England are to change their shirts. The three lions will be replaced with three tampons to represent the worst period they've ever had!



The England team made history today. They were the first white men to land in England and be told to fuck off back to Africa!

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The Manchester City Stadium caught fire tonight. The Manager, Mancini, screamed at the fire fighters "SAVE THE CUPS! SAVE THE CUPS!"

"Don't worry", replied the Station Chief "The fire hasn't spread to the canteen".

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I was in the cemetery today, checking on my Grandfather's grave, when I saw four pall-bearers go past with a coffin. A few minutes later, they came back again. Another few minutes and they came towards me from another direction.

I said "They've lost the fucking plot, they have".

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Statistically 9/11 Americans won't get this.

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I was in the pub last night when I tried to come onto this girl... her boyfriend wasn't best pleased - it hit his leg.

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I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date."

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Saw Man United on TV last week and it was awful to watch. I blame Ferguson...

...for making shit tellies.

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The wife took delivery of a 42" TV, today.



What she wants with a cross dressing midget I'll never know.

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It's not often you see the bins taken out on a Bank Holiday.

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85% of Scousers say they enjoy sex in the shower.



The other 15% haven't been to prison yet.

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Andrew Marr, Ryan Giggs, Ewan Mcgregor and Gaby Logan walk into a bar and I can't tell you what happened.

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Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness, saying that, even though he's happy in Manchester, he does Miss Wales occasionally.

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I was disapointed after my visit to a muslim strip club. "Get your face out for the lads" just wasn't quite the same.

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What kind of key can open any lock?

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A Pikey

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In Liverpool recently, it was quite touching how they treated me like one of their own. When I went into a McDonalds and ordered a Big Mac the girl said:

"Can you afford any fries with that?"

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I don't understand how all these women in America get their purses snatched. Why don't they keep them in their handbags?

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BBC News: Victoria Beckham has given birth to Harper Seven Beckham. She weighed a healthy 7lbs 10oz.

That's not healthy for a 37 year old woman...

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So many countries have icons which epitomise their ideals and who they are. The Americans have an eagle, representative of their soaring free spirit, and a country sitting atop the world. The British have the bulldog, symbolising their "never-say-die" attitude which has stood the test of time through adversity. And of course those fucking French wankers have a cock.

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Q: What do you call a Scotsman in the World Cup?
A: A Referee.

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The Beaufort Rain Scale (after Miles Kingston)

Force 0: Complete Dryness.

Absence of rain from the air. The gap between two periods of wet.
Associated Phrase: "it looks like it might rain."

Force 1: Scotch Mist.

Presence of wet in the air, hovering rather than falling. You can feel damp on your face. but if you supinate your hand, nothing lands on it.
Associated Phrase: "I think it's trying to rain."

Force 2: Individual drops.

Individual drops of rain falling, but quite separate as if they are all freelance and not part of the same corporate effort. If switched on now, windscreen wipers make an awful screeching noise. Spectacle wearers begin to grumble. A newspaper being read outside begins to speckle.
Associated Phrase: "it's spitting."

Force 3: Fine Rain.

Raindrops falling together now, but still invisibly, like the spray which drifts off a fountain with the wind behind. Ignored by all sportsmen except Test cricketers, who dash for cover. Spectacle wearers walk into oncoming traffic. Windscreen wipers, when switched on, make the windscreen totally opaque. If being read outside, a newspaper gets damp.
Associated Phrases: "is it worth putting the umbrella up?" and "another fine rain you've gotten us into."

Force 4: Visible Light Shower.

Hair starts to congeal around ears. First rainwear appears. People start to remember washing left out. Ignored by all sportsmen except Wimbledon players, who dash for cover. A newspaper being read outside starts to tear slightly.
Associated Phrases: "it's starting to come down now," "it won't last," and "it's settled in for the day now."

Force 5: Drizzle.

Shapes beginning to be visible in rain for the first time, usually drifting from right to left. Windscreen wipers are too slow at slow speed, too fast at fast speed. Shower-proof rainwear turns out to be shower-proof all right, but not drizzle-proof. First damp feeling inside either shoes or neckline. Butterflies take evasive action and begin to fly straight. A newspaper being read in the open starts to turn to pulp.
Associated Phrases: "it's really chucking it down now," "it's raining cats and dogs," and "nice for the farmers."

Force 6: Downpour.

You can see raindrops bouncing on impact, like charter planes landing. Leaves and petals recoil when hit. Anything built of concrete begins to look nasty. Eyebrows become waterlogged. Horse racing called off. Wet feeling rises above ankles and starts for knees. Butterflies fly backwards. A newspaper being read in the open divides into two. Gardeners watering the flowers begin to think about packing it in.
Associated Phrases: "it's coming down in stair rods," and "it's bucketing down."

Force 7: Squally, Gusty Rain.

As Force 6, but with added wind. Water starts to be forced up your nostrils. Maniacs leave home and head for the motorway in their cars. Butterflies start walking. Household cats and dogs become unpleasant to handle. Cheaper clothes start to come to bits.
Associated Phrases: "it's pissing down now," and "there's some madman out in the garden trying to read a newspaper."

Force 8: Torrential Rain.

The whole world outside has been turned into an en suite douche. It starts raining inside umbrellas. Windscreen wipers become useless. The ground looks as if it is steaming. Butterflies drown. Your garments start merging into each other and becoming indistinguishable. Man reading newspaper in the open starts to disintegrate. All team games except rugby, football, and water polo called off.
Associated Phrase: "Jesus, will you look at that coming down."

Force 9: Cloudburst.

Rain so fierce that it can only be maintained for a minute or two. Drops so large that they hurt if they hit you. Water gets into your pockets and forms rock-pools. Windscreen wipers are torn off cars. Too wet for water-skiing. Instantaneous rivers form on roads, and man reading newspaper floats past. Rain runs UP windows.

Force 10: Hurricane.

Not defined inland - the symptoms are too violent and extreme (cars floating, newspaper readers lost at sea, people drowned by inhaling rain, etc.). So, if hurricane conditions do appear to pertain, look for some other explanation.
Associated Phrases: "oh my god, the water tank has burst - it's coming through the kitchen ceiling," and "I think the man upstairs has fallen asleep in his bath."

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What's the difference between Liverpool FC and AirCon?

AirCon has fans which work .

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Ended up in hospital A&E the other day. talk about waiting lists on the NHS the bloke sitting next to me was being treated for musket wounds..

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It's the 2012 Olympics. The final of the Hammer Throw event is shaping up for an exciting finish. It's all come down to a Russian military officer, an American farmer and an unemployed Scouser.

The Russian throws first: 85 metres, just short of the world record.

Interviewed after the event he said, "My grandfather was in the military, my father was in the military and I am in the military. This gives me strength and discipline."

Then the American throws: 88 metres, breaking the world record.

Interviewed after the event he said, "My grandfather was a farmer, my father was a farmer and I am a farmer. This gives me strength and discipline."

The Scouser saunters up to the nets, gobs at the TV cameras and slings the hammer 95 metres, breaking the world record and winning gold for Great Britain.

Interviewed after the event he said, "My grandfather was unemployed, my father was unemployed and both said to me, 'If anyone ever puts a hammer in your hand, throw it as far as you fucking can'."

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A banker, a Daily Mail reader and an immigrant sit at a table with twelve biscuits. The banker takes eleven. He then leans forward, points at the immigrant and whispers to the Mail-reader "I'd keep your eye on him; he's after your biscuit."

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Britain and America have always had this special relationship.

The special relationship being that neither of us could be arsed to learn French.

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Paul McCartney is already upset with his new wife, apparently she is spending twice as much on shoes as the last one