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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:30:55 GMT -5
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:32:52 GMT -5
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:33:13 GMT -5
I spent £4k replacing every window in the house, then realised I had a crack in my glasses.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:33:40 GMT -5
I went to buy a pair of camouflage trousers the other night.. but I couldn't find any!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:35:52 GMT -5
When fat people are depressed, they cut themselves....
...A slice of cake !!..
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:36:32 GMT -5
In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:37:01 GMT -5
One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans and African Americans is not the correct answer.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:37:25 GMT -5
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:44:53 GMT -5
They've sent my census form back!!
In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependants?', I wrote :-
Asylum seekers Travelling folk Smack heads Unemployable lazy sods The cast of The Jeremy Kyle Show Lloyds Northern Rock RBS Half of bloody Eastern Europe
Apparently, this wasn't an acceptable answer
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:45:31 GMT -5
When I was born the midwife took one look at me and gave my Dad a slap
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:47:32 GMT -5
A rugby league fan was drinking in a Bradford bar, when he got a call on his mobile.
After a short conversation, he hung up, grinning from ear to ear, and ordered a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody could believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugged and replied,
"That's about average in Yorkshire ... Like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby. Gonna be a rugby league player."
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!"
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returned to the same bar.
The bartender said, "Aren't you the father of that Yorkshire baby that weighed in at 25 pounds ?"
Every body's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks - how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered "Twenty pounds."
The bartender was puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious.
"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Yorkshire man took a slow swig of his Sam Smith's, wiped his lips on his shirt sleeve, leaned across the bar and proudly said .....
"Had him circumcised..."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2014 0:52:39 GMT -5
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," said the drunk.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 3:55:09 GMT -5
Man walks into a bar, and when ordering a pint, the barman points at the vaulted ceiling, where there are two pieces of meat hanging, and offers the man a bet. Tells the man that if he can reach the pieces of meat, the man can have free drinks all night, but if he fails, he has to buy a round for everyone in the pub.
The man considers this for a while, then eventually turns to the barman and say "sorry, no deal". The barman asks him why, and he replies, "because the steaks are too high"!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 3:56:08 GMT -5
4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.
The train enters a tunnel and everything goes dark. All of a sudden there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him"
The pretty young blonde thinks" I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"
The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"
The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twat again"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 3:56:39 GMT -5
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, mallebale metal with an atomic number of 82.
I'm easily lead.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 3:57:14 GMT -5
I had it hard when I was younger. I'd come home from school, and a chicken sandwich would hit me in the face. If I opened the bathroom door, I'd get a bowl of ice-cream thrown at me.
I didn't know where the next meal was coming from.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 3:58:12 GMT -5
A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms.
So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 3:58:53 GMT -5
I was out and got hit by a rental car today.
Bloody Hertz.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 3:59:11 GMT -5
George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter..
It's called "Oh, She's Eleven."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:00:21 GMT -5
When I was a kid in the war I always used to get so scared when we were in the air raid shelter with all the people from our road.
You could hear the bombs landing and with each one I would cry a little bit more but my dad would always try and make me feel better.
He would say to me 'Son, the only bomb you need to worry about is one with your name written on it'!
This would always put my mind at rest but scared the crap out of our neighbors Mr and Mrs Doodlebug!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:00:48 GMT -5
PRETEND you're Andy Murray in the pub tonight by struggling through the earlier "rounds".
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:01:17 GMT -5
I've just lost my job as a lifeguard, at my local swimming pool.Apparently, tapping the 'No Bombing' sign as a family of Muslims walk past is not acceptable!!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:03:09 GMT -5
This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.
I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:03:27 GMT -5
My racing snail is not winning races anymore. I decided to take his shell off to reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic.
It didn't work - If anything its made him more sluggish.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:04:54 GMT -5
A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?' He answers 'Yes - caffeine' 'Have you ever been in the services?' 'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.' The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'are you disabled in any way? The guy says, 'Yes ...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.' The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.' The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' 'This is a council job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our nuts, not really any point in you coming in for that.'
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:05:10 GMT -5
Bought a gallon of tippex today ...
Big mistake..
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:06:06 GMT -5
I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dad's shotgun.
Peter Jones said, "And what's your idea?"
I replied "It's a simple concept Peter, just put the money in the damn bag!"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:08:21 GMT -5
I bought a dog from a blacksmith the other day.
As soon as i got the little guy home he made a bolt for the door.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:09:10 GMT -5
The RSPCA are reacting to a situation at the emirates.
If you see an arsenal fan with a dog please advise them to call 0800 2-0 2-1 2-2 2-3 where they will be given information on how to hold on to leads
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:21:08 GMT -5
I got my girlfriend a Prince CD for valentines day.
It was expensive, 20 quid.
But I partied like it was £19.99
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