Jobs and Work

[davewally]

And You Thought Your Job Was A Pain?



If you think, for one second, you’ve got a bad job, on your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy. I want you to go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. 
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice there is a disclosure in very fine print that reads:

“Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.”

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.” Have a wonderful day knowing that, no matter how bad it is, there is always a job that’s more of a pain than yours.

[Jackie]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in information technology" says the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be a corporate manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[Deleted]

Two Aussie builders ( Phil and Eric ) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: I reckon he`s an accountant.

Eric: No way - he`s a stockbroker.

Phil: He ain`t no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn`t come in here!


The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal., Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.


Phil: Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: No offence taken! I`m a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: Oh! Whats that then?

Suit: I`ll try to explain by example .. Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: Er...Mmm, Well yeah, I do as it happens.

Suit: Well, it`s logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: It`s in a pond!

Suit: Well then it`s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.

Phil: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: Well then it`s logical to assume that in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house.

Phil: As it happens I`ve got a five-bedroom house... built it myself.

Suit: Well given that you`ve built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven`t built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil: Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: Me? Never.

Suit: Well there you are! That`s logical science at work!

Phil: How`s that then?

Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I`ve told you about your sex life!

Phil: I see! That`s pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.


Eric: I see the suit was in there,. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: Yep! He`s a logical scientist!

Eric: What`s that then?

Phil: I`ll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: Nope

Phil: Well then you`re a w*nker.

[Jackie]

Ole and Lars who worked together were both laid off, so off they were to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Ole $300 a week unemployment pay.

Lars was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave him $600 a week.

When Ole finds out he is furious. He stormed back to find out why Lars, his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor." "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on them to make sure they stretch wide enough then says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.'"

[Gimpy]

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth..


However, little Paul was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."


The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Paul aside to ask him,"Is that really true about your father?"


"No," the boy said, "He plays hockey for the Toronto Maple Leafs, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."

[Gimpy]

Toronto Maple Leafs vs. Montreal Canadians

Once upon a time long, long, ago there was a season when neither the
Leafs nor the Canadians made the post season playoffs.

It seemed so unusual, that the management of both teams got together
and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two
teams because of their great rivalry.

So, they decided on a week-long ice fishing competition.
The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.

So on a cold Northern Ontario lake they began their contest.

The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Canadians had caught 100 fish
and the Leafs had 0.

At the end of the 2nd day the Canadians had caught 200 fish and the
Leafs 0.

That evening the Leafs coach got his team together and said, "I suspect
some kind of cheating is taking place".

So the next morning he dressed one of his players in Canadian
colours and sent him over to their camp to act as a spy.

At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach. The coach
asked "Well, how about it, are they cheating?"

"They sure are," the player reported, "They're cutting holes in the ice".

[frodi]

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.

[Gimpy]

For the last six odd years, almost all of the things I wanted to write or say, have been stymied by a recently coined term referred to as "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS"! Although I consider myself rather fluent in the English language, that term was not in my vocabulary. My curiosity got the best of me and I decided to do a little research and after two weeks of chasing fruitless leads, I found what I'd been looking for at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence Missouri. A unnamed source there sent me copies of four telegrams that were between Harry Truman and Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the Surrender Agreement. The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received, not a word has been added or deleted!

(1) Tokyo,Japan
0800-September 1,1945
To: President Harry S Truman
From: General D A MacArthur
Tomorrow we meet with those yellow bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions!

(2) Washington, D C
1300-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur
From: H S Truman
Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!

(3) Tokyo, Japan
1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz
Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?

(4) Washington, D C
2120-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman
Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by clean end!

Now, with special thanks to my friends at the Truman Museum and Harry, you and I finally have a full understanding of what "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS" really means!---

[MalcolmR]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[Gimpy]

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN
EXAM

I would have given him 100%! Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humor.

Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5.. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7.. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* Wet

Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
*No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Spread some laughter, share the cheer.
Let's be happy, while we're here!






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Gimpy]

Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his ass.







"If you do not mind me saying," said the second terrorist, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"







"I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my ass."







"I do not understand", said the other.







The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp.







There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.







He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."







I said, "No shit?"







Note: This story was confirmed by Brian Williams. He was there when it happened.

[Gimpy]

Newfie Fingers

Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in St. John's and when he got there the doctor looked at Johnny and said 'Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do.'

Johnny said, 'I haven't got da fingers.'
'What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?' shrieked the doctor. 'Lord t'undrin Jesus it's 2015!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da fingers?'

(Are you ready for this?? Remember this is a Newfie!!)


Scroll down












Johnny says... 'How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up??

[sandyi]

Female Navajo Wisdom.

A woman is driving towards home from work, In Northern Arizona.
When she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking.

Knowing the trip will be long, she stopped the car and asked the woman to get in.

During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances suspiciously at a brown bag in the front of the seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag." Offers the woman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got for my husband."

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and said, "hm good trade."

[Gimpy]

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather
forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there
was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a
farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said,
"Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in
just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace
meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and
experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He
gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on
my way." So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The
King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon
seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire
the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the
prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about
forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it
will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the
government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

And the practice is unbroken to this day..

[Gimpy]

A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.

"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.

The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "



The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

[Gimpy]

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking in fear.
"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.
"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago. The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."
Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I've worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you've lived and worked there all those years and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

[Gimpy]

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired about the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.


On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So they did.


However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So instead, the King hired the donkey on the spot.

...


And thus began the ancient-old practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions

[glennfrommars]

A woman walks into a pharmacy and requests arsenic pills. The pharmacist says "I'm sorry lady, I cant just dispense arsenic pills". The woman reaches into her purse, takes out a photo and shows it to the pharmacist. He looks at it and sees his wife in bed with the woman's husband. "well, why didnt you say you had a prescription!".

[Gimpy]

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, I don't. And furthermore, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I'm Chinese?

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick"

[MalcolmR]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

[Gimpy]

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company
were called into the chairman's office one at a time until only Bob,
the most junior member was left sitting outside.



Finally it was Bob's turn to be summoned. He entered the office to
find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table.
He was invited to join them, which he did. As soon as he had sat down
the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a
stern voice, asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my
secretary?”


“Oh, no Sir, positively not!” Bob replied.

“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.

“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”

"You’d swear to that?"

"Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere."



"Good, then you fire her!".

[MalcolmR]

When I was in the pub last-night I overheard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman! What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the fucking thing is it?

[MalcolmR]

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on-board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!”
The captain responds, “Patricia, I’ve told you this before. This is Air Force One...”

[Gimpy]

A Chicago cop stops a driver for shooting through a red light.

The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being "harassed by the Gestapo!"

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The motorist goes on a tirade, questioning the cops ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on and on without the cop saying anything.

When the cop finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature.

The guy signs the ticket angrily and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The cop says,“That’s so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole !"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he has hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the cop testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;"Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client ?"

The cop responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make ?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

"Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do."

[Gimpy]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Gimpy]

A mail carrier near Kissimmee, Fla., is refusing to deliver mail to residents living inside a nudist community, saying she is "highly offended by their nudist lifestyle."

Or as Jimmy Fallon later quoted her, "Sorry, but I'm just tired of seeing people's packages."

[Gimpy]

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional.
Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that... it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.

The end.

[graham]

A Zen master walked up to a hot dog vendor and said, "Make me one with everything."

So the vendor made a hot dog with the works for the Zen master and told him it would be two bucks. The Zen master gave him a $20 bill, which the vendor promptly put into the cash drawer. The Zen master then asked, "Where's my change?"

The hot dog vendor replied, "Change must come from within."

[MalcolmR]

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Boeing pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "

The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.

[MalcolmR]

I just left the army. They gave me a good conduct medal and a long service medal - for eighteen years of undetected crime!