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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:31:04 GMT -5
The day after Christmas must be a bit awkward in the Audley Harrison household.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:31:26 GMT -5
Failed my Politics exam. The question was "Describe the role that India plays in the modern world".
Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:31:44 GMT -5
I like going into McDonalds and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:31:57 GMT -5
I love watching videos of lakes and rivers on the internet.
I'm viewing a live stream right now.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:32:49 GMT -5
I went into a library dressed as a German classical composer and asked for a book on Austrian actors.
The librarian said, "Aisle B, Bach."
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:33:05 GMT -5
A Chinese bloke walks into a library and asks "have you got a book that will remind me of home."
The librarian hands him the yellow pages.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:33:18 GMT -5
I was playing a game of Pictionary and it was my turn. My card said 'A type of ammunition'.
I drew a blank.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:33:33 GMT -5
If I had a penny for every time someone said I have OCD, I'd have 967274 pence.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:33:51 GMT -5
The Beckham's new baby's name, sounds like a deaf person trying to tell someone what time Eastenders starts.
Harper Seven.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:34:04 GMT -5
I'm hoping to find a cure for my hiccups.
But I'm not holding my breath.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:34:27 GMT -5
Twitter became popular in France when they learnt they could retweet.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:37:10 GMT -5
An engineer, a scientist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are hiking through the hills of Scotland, when they see a lone black sheep in a field.
The engineer says, "What do you know, it looks like the sheep around here are black." The scientist looks at him skeptically and replies, "Well, at least some of them are." The mathematician considers this for a moment and replies, "Well, at least one of them is." Then the philosopher turns to them and says, "Well, at least on one side."
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:38:27 GMT -5
A vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted. "Could I have a pint of ale?" "No!" she shouted."Could I at least use your privvy?" "No!" she shouted again.The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" "What now?" the woman screeched,intent on not allowing him to finish. "D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:39:06 GMT -5
Waking the Dead. One letter away from being the most controversial show on TV.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:39:25 GMT -5
I started a website on Audley Harrison a week ago. No hits so far...
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:39:53 GMT -5
What has a slice of burnt toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common? In both cases you wish you'd taken it out a few seconds earlier
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:40:09 GMT -5
Here's a picture of me with the band REM.
That's me in the corner.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:40:35 GMT -5
Life was hard when I was a kid. We lived on a rough estate. The other kids used to pick on me and cover me whipped cream and put a cherry on my head......It was hard growing up in the gateaux.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:40:56 GMT -5
A lion was drinking at the water hole all the other animals had ran off as he dominated the area snarling at anything that was around. This was a fierce lion that all the other animals were scared of, even the other lions from Millwall, a real bad guy who enjoyed his reputation. All except for a horny gay gorilla who kept a safe distance but edged forward as the lion presented his shapely backside to him as he bent down to lap up some water from the water hole. Ever more turned on by the shapely form he lept on the lion and had his wicked way hanging on for dear life as the lion half in the water and pinned from behind by the weight of the gorilla clawed and roared at him. Finished his dastardly deed the gorilla pushed the lion into the water and ran for his life. The lion thrashed about in the water and once on dry land headed at top speed after the fleeing gorilla. The gorilla had a decent start but the ground was being rapidly consumed by the furious lion.
The gorilla arrived at a tree and sitting in the shade on a deckchair was a great white hunter complete with a pith helmet, slippers, a pipe and a copy of the Times. The hunter faced with the sight of a distant but fast approaching lion and an agitated gorilla right next to him shot up the tree leaving all his possessions behind.
The gorilla jumped into the deck chair, placed the helmet on his head, sucked on the pipe and turned to the front page of the Times. The lion arrived at the scene and screeched to a halt. With his best angry lion voice he asked 'Did you see a fcuking gorilla go past here?' The gorilla in his best great white hunter, heard all the stock market ramped up stories, seen it all before voice said 'what the one that shagged the lion up the arse at the water hole?' and the lion in his best pained reputation ruined voice said 'Fcuk me it's not in the paper already is it !!!!!!"
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:41:15 GMT -5
Due to the financial problems surrounding many football clubs at present, Man Utd have released 15 members of staff from their payroll.The 5 referees and 10 linesmen involved are said to be devastated.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 1:45:39 GMT -5
On the net earlier, i went on conjuctavitous.com............now that's a site for sore eyes!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 1:46:41 GMT -5
Whats the difference between pink and Purple?....................The Grip
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 1:48:54 GMT -5
A man walks into a pub in leicester, barman say's what you want?
Can i have a wine, the bar goes quiet as the regulars all stare at the newcomer....your not from round here are you, say's the barman?
No I'm from London, I'm a Taxidermist.What the **** is that he say's. You drive taxi's or something?
No i mount animals.............Barman turns and say's it's okay folks he is one of us!!!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 1:49:29 GMT -5
Becks' baby girl Harper Seven was evidently named after Posh's favourite magazine and his favourite number. I've never heard of owt more ridiculous, as I said to my youngest, Razzle 69 at breakfast
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 1:49:50 GMT -5
I just finished watching a Muslim-gangster film. It was called 'Scarfface'.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 1:50:25 GMT -5
Mrs Brown she went to town To buy some macaroni She let a f@rt Behind the cart And paralyzed the pony.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 1:51:48 GMT -5
The latest toy has hit the shops IS a talking Muslim doll.
Nobody knows what the hell it says,because no one has the guts to pull the cord.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 1:52:15 GMT -5
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Bangkok Show, a spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 1:57:39 GMT -5
Not using the doorbell has a significant knock on effect.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2014 1:57:57 GMT -5
I got caught stealing full stops.
I'm looking at a lengthy sentence.
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