graham
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Post by graham on Feb 7, 2022 16:34:52 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on Feb 9, 2022 12:59:38 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on May 13, 2022 15:51:15 GMT -5
My surfing buddy just told me he hates my f*****g guts.
Well, actually what he said was that he went surfing without me today, but same thing...
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graham
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Post by graham on Jun 12, 2022 6:03:20 GMT -5
It's really hot here today, so I've taken off my clothes and opened all the windows.
I feel much better, but I'm not sure everyone else on the bus is impressed...
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graham
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Post by graham on Jul 10, 2022 5:32:00 GMT -5
On the rooftop opposite my window:
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graham
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Post by graham on Aug 1, 2022 6:35:49 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on Aug 14, 2022 9:55:20 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on Nov 25, 2022 17:20:36 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on Dec 12, 2022 16:02:02 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on Dec 17, 2022 8:10:31 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on Jan 15, 2023 8:06:20 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on Jan 19, 2023 16:00:52 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on Feb 23, 2023 10:47:12 GMT -5
I played the new Monopoly game "UK 2023" yesterday.
It's a much quicker game, if you land on Electric Company you go bankrupt.
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 9, 2023 11:04:53 GMT -5
Brummies think Birmingham is Britain's second city.
Scousers think Liverpool is Britain's second city.
Mancunians think London is Britain's second city.
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 28, 2023 13:30:36 GMT -5
It was the turn of the Royal Irish Guards to perform sentry duty at Buckingham Palace. Poor Paddy Murphy had only just passed his basic training and was manning one of the posts. It was his first time in London having spent most of his life in the bogs of Tipperary.
Standing proudly to attention, in his smart new uniform, The Regimental Sergeant Major marches over to him:
“MURPHY” he screamed. “Yes, Sarn’t-major” came the faint reply. “THE KING IS ON HIS WAY. WHEN HE GETS HERE, YOU TELL ME, RIGHT AWAY, DO YOU HEAR ME? RIGHT AWAY. AS SOON AS HE GETS HERE.” “Yes, Sarn’t-major”.
But this gave Paddy a problem. He had never seen the King and didn’t know what he looked like, they had had no television on their farm in Ireland, he’d only heard his voice on the wireless.
A Jaguar approached and Guardsman Murphy signalled it to stop. He stuck his head in the back window and asked “Are you the King, Sir?” “No, I’m Prince William” was the reply. Paddy apologised and let the car go.
A Range Rover approached, so Paddy stopped it. “Are you the King, Sir?” He again enquired. “No, I’m Prince Edward”, so he let that car go too.
Then a Bentley hove into view. Paddy stopped it and again asked “Are you the King, Sir?” “Yes, I am” came the reply. “Well you’d better fuck off quick ‘cos the RSM is looking for you and he isn’t in a very good mood”.
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graham
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Post by graham on Apr 6, 2023 19:09:41 GMT -5
Not really from the UK, but there's no other place to post it in here...
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graham
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Post by graham on May 6, 2023 16:58:38 GMT -5
A Royal Wave ;-)
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graham
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Post by graham on Jun 2, 2023 17:48:02 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on Jun 11, 2023 18:17:42 GMT -5
The Beaufort Rain Scale by Miles Kington
It has always surprised me that Beaufort worked out his scale for wind, not for rain. Rain, surely, has always been more important to the British and more talked about by us than any other bit of weather. Wet and damp are what we fear most, far more than draughts and breezes, yet nobody as far as I know has had a shot at a Beaufort Rain Scale. Well, here goes then:
F0 - Complete dryness. Absence of rain from the air. The gap between two periods of wet. Associated phrase: ‘I think it looks like rain.’
F1 - Presence of wet in the air, hovering rather than falling. Scotch mist. You can feel the damp on your face, but if you supinate your hand, nothing lands on it. Associated phrase: ‘I think it looks like rain.’
F2 - Individual drops of rain falling, but quite separate as if they are all freelance raindrops and not part of the same corporate effort. If switched on now, windscreen wipers would make an awful screeching noise. Spectacle wearers begin to grumble. Newspapers being read outside begin to speckle. Associated phrase: ‘It’s spitting.’
F3 - Raindrops falling together now, but still invisibly, like the spray which drifts off the fountain with the wind behind. Known as ‘fine rain’. Ignored by all sportsmen except Test cricketers, who dash for cover. Spectacle wearers walk into oncoming traffic. Windscreen wipers, when switched on, make windscreens totally opaque. If being read outside, newspaper gets rising damp. Associated phrases: ’Is it worth putting the umbrella up?’ ‘Another fine rain you’ve got me into’.
F4 - Visible light shower. Hair starts to congeal round ears. First rainwear appears. People start to remember washing left out. Ignored by all sportsmen except Wimbledon players, who sprint for cover. Newspaper being read outside starts to tear slightly. Associated phrases: ‘It’s starting to come down, now’, ‘It won’t last’, ‘It’s settled in for the day now’.
F5 - Drizzle. Shapes beginning to be visible in rain for first time, usually drifting from right to left. Windscreen wipers too slow at low speed, too fast at fast speed. Shower-proof rainwear turns out to be shower-proof all right, but not drizzle-proof. First damp feeling inside either shoes or neckline. Butterflies take evasive action and begin to fly straight. Newspaper being read in the open starts turning to pulp. Associated phrases: ‘It’s really chucking it down now’, ‘It’s raining cats and dogs’, ‘Nice for the farmers’.
F6 - Downpour. You can see raindrops bouncing on impact, like charter planes landing. Leaves and petals recoil when hit. Anything built of concrete starts to look nasty. Eyebrows become waterlogged. Horse racing called off. Wet feeling rises above ankles and starts for knees. Butterflies fly backwards. Newspaper being read in open divides in two. Gardeners watering the flowers start thinking about packing it in. Associated phrases: It’s coming down in stair rods’, ‘It’s bucketing down’.
F7 - Squally, gusty rain. As Force 6, but with added wind. Water starts being forced up your nostrils. Maniacs leave home and head for motorway in their cars. Butterflies start walking. Household cats and dogs become unpleasant to handle. Cheaper clothes start coming to bits. Associated phrases: ‘It’s pissing down now,’ ‘There’s some madman out in the garden trying to read a newspaper’
F8 - Torrential. The whole outside world has been turned into an en suite douche. It starts raining inside umbrellas. Windscreen wipers become useless. The ground looks as if it is steaming. Butterflies drown. Your garments start merging into each other and becoming indistinguishable. Man reading newspaper in the open starts disintegrating. All team games called off except football, rugby and water polo. Associated phrase: ’Jesus, will you look at that coming down?’
F9 - Cloudburst. Rain so fierce that it can only be maintained for a minute or two. Drops so large that they hurt if they hit you. Water gets into pockets and form rock pools. Windscreen wipers are torn off cars. Too wet for water-skiing. Instantaneous rivers form on roads, and man reading a newspaper floats past. Rain runs UP windows. Associated phrases: ‘It can’t last’, ‘ Is the bedroom window shut?’
F10 - Hurricane. Not known in this country – the symptoms are too violent and extreme (cars floating, newspaper readers lost at sea, people drowned by inhaling rain, etc) So if hurricane conditions do appear to pertain, look for some other explanation. Associated phrases: ‘Oh my God, the water-tank is burst – it’s coming through the kitchen ceiling!’, ‘I think the man upstairs has fallen asleep in his bath,’ etc.
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
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Post by MalcolmR on Aug 4, 2023 12:34:46 GMT -5
I was down the club last night, when a BIG girl got up and started dancing on my table.
"Good legs!" I said. "Do you really think so?" she replied.
"Yes", I said "most tables would have collapsed by now".
It cost me a black eye, but . . .
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frodi
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Post by frodi on Aug 22, 2023 7:42:03 GMT -5
Top 10 jokes of the 2023 Fringe
I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah - Lorna Rose Treen
The most British thing I've ever heard? A lady who said 'Well I'm sorry, but I don't apologise.' - Liz Guterbock
Last year I had a great joke about inflation. But it's hardly worth it now - Amos Gill
When women gossip we get called bitchy; but when men do it's called a podcast - Sikisa
I thought I'd start off with a joke about The Titanic - just to break the ice - Masai Graham
How do coeliac Germans greet each other? Gluten tag - Frank Lavender
My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight. Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals. He's Costa-phobic - Roger Swift
I entered the 'How not to surrender' competition and I won hands down - Bennett Arron
Nationwide must have looked pretty silly when they opened their first branch - William Stone
My grandma describes herself as being in her "twilight years" which I love because they're great films - Daniel Foxx
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graham
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Post by graham on Dec 19, 2023 18:15:45 GMT -5
Apropos of a certain recent discussion about a "Christmas Film"...
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graham
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Post by graham on Dec 22, 2023 21:00:10 GMT -5
Talking of which...
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frodi
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Post by frodi on Jan 14, 2024 14:19:20 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on Feb 4, 2024 20:29:42 GMT -5
You have been warned!
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graham
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Post by graham on Feb 7, 2024 15:47:40 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on Mar 24, 2024 9:13:58 GMT -5
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