graham
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Post by graham on Apr 5, 2021 6:15:48 GMT -5
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,793
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Post by MalcolmR on Apr 5, 2021 12:35:41 GMT -5
I had a bit of a problem with wasps at home so I went to the hardware store to get some wasp killer. I couldn't find any on the shelves, so I picked up a can of fly spray, and asked the guy at the counter "Is this stuff any good for wasps?"
"No", he replied, "it kills them".
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graham
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Post by graham on Apr 9, 2021 17:33:20 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on Apr 14, 2021 11:17:11 GMT -5
You've got to like a museum that tells you exactly what to expect...
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
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Post by MalcolmR on May 2, 2021 4:36:21 GMT -5
A woman slips naked in her bathroom, does the splits and ends up suctioned to the floor by her fanny.
Her husband tries but can’t budge her, so calls his mate who says “I’ll go and get a hammer, we can break the tiles and lift her”.
The husband says “OK, while you’re gone, I’ll lick her ear and play with her tits”.
“Why?” asks his mate.
“Because if I can get her wet, maybe we can slide her to the kitchen where the tiles are fucking cheaper”.
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graham
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Posts: 4,161
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Post by graham on May 16, 2021 5:43:24 GMT -5
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graham
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Posts: 4,161
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Post by graham on May 18, 2021 4:57:28 GMT -5
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,793
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Post by MalcolmR on Jul 11, 2021 6:41:35 GMT -5
What separates Man from the animals?
The English Channel.
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graham
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Post by graham on Jul 11, 2021 14:45:03 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on Jul 13, 2021 11:55:27 GMT -5
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,793
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Post by MalcolmR on Jul 18, 2021 7:57:56 GMT -5
A small man goes to jail. His first day in the showers a very large man approaches him and asks him, "With or without spit?" The small man knows it will happen no matter what he says or does, replies meekly, "With spit." The large man shouts to another inmate, "Hey spit! This dude wants a threesome!"..
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,793
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Post by MalcolmR on Jul 31, 2021 5:23:51 GMT -5
The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old sergeant-major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived at the barracks in the UK and instructed the sergeant-major to 'drop 'em', which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant's penis and began to work back. 'Dear Lord,' The medical officer suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your balls?' The old sergeant-major calmly replied, 'Afghanistan.'
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
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Post by MalcolmR on Aug 7, 2021 6:37:30 GMT -5
What do you call a man who speaks 3 languages? – Trilingual What do you call a man who speaks 2 languages? – Bilingual What do you call a man who speaks 1 language? – English
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graham
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Post by graham on Sept 4, 2021 5:03:55 GMT -5
"I'm starting a new business making glass coffins."
"Do you think it will be popular?"
"Remains to be seen..."
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graham
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Posts: 4,161
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Post by graham on Sept 7, 2021 17:35:55 GMT -5
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
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Post by MalcolmR on Sept 17, 2021 10:27:08 GMT -5
The man who invented predictive text has died.
His funfairs next monkey. May he rust in piss.
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graham
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Posts: 4,161
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Post by graham on Sept 30, 2021 12:01:25 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on Oct 1, 2021 15:50:18 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on Oct 6, 2021 14:14:23 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on Oct 10, 2021 10:52:19 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on Nov 1, 2021 18:11:39 GMT -5
Sorted!
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graham
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Post by graham on Nov 29, 2021 19:07:12 GMT -5
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graham
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Posts: 4,161
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Post by graham on Nov 29, 2021 19:07:45 GMT -5
Perhaps buying an Xmas tree from Ikea was a mistake...
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graham
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Posts: 4,161
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Post by graham on Dec 15, 2021 12:54:03 GMT -5
Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," comments the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?" . . . .
" I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
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graham
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Post by graham on Dec 20, 2021 16:51:48 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on Dec 21, 2021 18:35:55 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on Dec 22, 2021 18:37:46 GMT -5
One for the people who appreciate good board games...
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graham
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Post by graham on Dec 25, 2021 6:52:23 GMT -5
Up Fazer, up Gixxer, up Bandit, up Thou!
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graham
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Posts: 4,161
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Post by graham on Jan 13, 2022 14:58:12 GMT -5
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,793
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Post by MalcolmR on Jan 27, 2022 13:16:34 GMT -5
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