graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,153
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Post by graham on Dec 1, 2020 20:11:14 GMT -5
I need advice please! Please Help !!
My children keep finding their Christmas presents that I've hidden around the house. Someone suggested I should just keep them in the attic.
So I tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept me awake. All the "I'm afraid of the dark" or "I don't like it up here - there are spiders" really got on my nerves. Any other suggestions?
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,769
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Post by MalcolmR on Dec 4, 2020 10:02:07 GMT -5
A pharaoh makes a reservation in a restaurant: "Can I reserve a table for two?" "Sure just give me a name." "Semerkhet." "Would you spell it for me?"
"Bird, double triangle, wavy line, another bird, dog head, sun, scarab..."
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graham
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Posts: 4,153
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Post by graham on Dec 5, 2020 19:49:46 GMT -5
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,153
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Post by graham on Dec 7, 2020 15:42:35 GMT -5
I bought an Advent calendar from Eton School this year.
All the doors are opened by my father's contacts.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,153
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Post by graham on Dec 9, 2020 19:11:34 GMT -5
I've just realised that it's obvious that the stories about the vaccine having microchips in it are true!
It's a typical Bill Gates' product.
You get it, then, just three weeks later, it needs an upgrade!
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,153
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Post by graham on Dec 14, 2020 6:38:39 GMT -5
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graham
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Posts: 4,153
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Post by graham on Dec 14, 2020 15:54:40 GMT -5
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Gimpy
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Posts: 6,462
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Post by Gimpy on Dec 16, 2020 3:46:50 GMT -5
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graham
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Posts: 4,153
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Post by graham on Dec 21, 2020 12:05:20 GMT -5
A preview of Her Majesty the Queen's 2020 Christmas Speech...
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Dec 23, 2020 5:53:24 GMT -5
Mary Poppins has announced she no longer wears lipstick whilst performing oral sex, after claiming the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,769
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Post by MalcolmR on Dec 31, 2020 12:24:38 GMT -5
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graham
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Posts: 4,153
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Post by graham on Jan 6, 2021 18:16:08 GMT -5
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
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Post by MalcolmR on Jan 9, 2021 9:53:31 GMT -5
A sailor met a disabled girl one night in a night club. She was in a wheel chair as she had no legs, but she had a pretty face and looked kind, so the sailor went over and struck up a conversation with her.
As the night wore on, it became clear that she found it difficult to meet a man who would be boyfriend material and after a few drinks and interesting chat, it was time for the night club to close, so the sailor offered to walk/push the girl home.
The girl lived on the other side of Pompey near Southsea and so they had to walk through the park. After about 15 minutes of walking and finding themselves in the middle of the park, the sailor thought he’d try his luck.
The girl was up for the idea, but didn’t want to lie on a wet grassy floor as that would be a bit of a give away when she got home, so she suggested that the sailor lift her up to the branch of a nearby tree. That way she could hold onto the tree and the sailor could have his bit of fun and she would enjoy it too.
Anyway, 5 minutes later, deed done, the sailor pushed the girl back to her house near southsea and knocked on the door. The door was answered by the girls father who invited the sailor in for a nightcap.
The sailor, wanting to head back to his ship, politely declined and started to make his way down the garden path.
The father called out to him....’’Son, you're on surface ships aren't you?’’
‘Yes’ replied the sailor, ‘but how could you tell’?
‘Easy,’’ said the dad........................................................................... ‘’the submariners leave her hanging in the tree’’ !!
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
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Post by MalcolmR on Jan 11, 2021 12:37:30 GMT -5
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
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Post by MalcolmR on Jan 16, 2021 11:31:49 GMT -5
Army nicknames:-
TESCO Because every time he got shit-faced he would lose his trolleys. CRASH Because his initials were RTA. JIGSAW He was an officer, he was known to fall to pieces under pressure. BAPCO Could not understand a word he was saying. THROMBO (Thrombosis) because he was a slow-moving clot. SWAMPY Not named after that infamous protester, but for pissing the bed. MORPHINE The slow acting dope. SCRABBLE Because he seemed to have every letter of the Alphabet in his surname, but no vowels. GOOF He could eat a watermelon through a letterbox. BLISTER Because he only appeared when the hard work was done. THRUSH Because he was an irritating little c**t. TRACER On the BFT he used to burn out after 1100m... CHEWBACCA SPICE She needed an all over waxing. CS Fast acting irritant.
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graham
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Post by graham on Feb 7, 2021 7:04:44 GMT -5
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Feb 7, 2021 12:55:46 GMT -5
A man from Chorlton has sensationally claimed 5g turned his cat gay.
Devout Catholic, Kristian Lovejoy, says 5g is nothing more than a smokescreen for depopulation, after claiming it will turn every man, woman and animal gay.
He came to the conclusion when he found irrefutable evidence in the form of his pet cat, who has recently began a homosexual relationship with a tomcat a few streets away.
He said, “I came home and caught them at it a couple of weeks ago, and I’m sorry to say there wasn’t an ounce of shame between them. It’s caused ructions in the family, with some refusing to have anything else to do with me.
“None of them want their children exposing to a gay cat, it goes against everything they believe in.
“He’s never displayed any homosexual tendencies before, so I searched YouTube to see if I could find any other cases of something like this happening.
“I found a video from a 21 year old, world renowned scientist and it was right there, 5g turns you gay and is just a depopulation device! I couldn’t believe it. I had only upgraded to a 5g phone the week before all the debauchery began”.
Mr Lovejoy hopes to make contact with the owners of his cat’s boyfriend to discuss therapy options as soon as possible.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,153
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Post by graham on Feb 8, 2021 7:00:26 GMT -5
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graham
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Posts: 4,153
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Post by graham on Feb 8, 2021 19:20:09 GMT -5
Can anyone recommend a good way of removing ice from a windscreen?
I tried using my discount card, but I only got 20% off.
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graham
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Posts: 4,153
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Post by graham on Feb 10, 2021 7:42:31 GMT -5
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
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Post by MalcolmR on Feb 11, 2021 12:40:59 GMT -5
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
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Post by MalcolmR on Feb 12, 2021 14:38:51 GMT -5
I drove past a McDonalds yesterday, it had a sign outside saying "All Day Breakfast".
I thought "Nah, I haven't got time for that".
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frodi
Lieutenant
Posts: 19,541
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Post by frodi on Feb 15, 2021 17:41:11 GMT -5
MI5 applications MI5 had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two women and a man. For the final test, the MI5 agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your husband sitting in a chair .... Kill him!!'
The woman said, 'You can't be serious I could never shoot my husband .'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right woman for this job. Take your husband and go home.'
The second woman was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The woman came out with tears in her eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my husband .' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your husband and go home.'
Finally, it was the man’s turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' he said. 'I had to kill her with the ****ing chair!'
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graham
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Posts: 4,153
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Post by graham on Feb 23, 2021 20:09:36 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on Feb 26, 2021 12:10:05 GMT -5
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 4, 2021 10:59:07 GMT -5
I turned over a new leaf this morning. My boss at the Nissan garage was furious.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,153
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Post by graham on Mar 22, 2021 18:18:11 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on Mar 26, 2021 8:21:39 GMT -5
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graham
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Posts: 4,153
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Post by graham on Mar 31, 2021 16:35:23 GMT -5
People aren't named Lance much these days.
But in the olden days, people were named Lance a lot.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,153
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Post by graham on Apr 1, 2021 10:44:43 GMT -5
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