graham
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Post by graham on Jun 16, 2024 10:20:10 GMT -5
Child: Mum, what's the laptop password?
Mum: It is Thor, Loki, Iron Man, Hulk, Wanda, Quail, Paris, 4.
Child: What? Why is it such a long password?
Mum: Because it asked for at least six characters, one capital and one number. It took me ages to memorise it.
Child: OMG, mum!
Mum: What?
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graham
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Post by graham on Jun 30, 2024 14:57:43 GMT -5
Teacher: What is a placenta for? Child: Where me mam puts me when she goes to the shopping centre
Q: What is an exporter? A: Someone who used to have a job carrying luggage in a railway station
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graham
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Post by graham on Aug 8, 2024 20:07:54 GMT -5
I had heard that thieves had been apprehended after a short chase when their EV ran out of power.
The police said they would be charged.
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frodi
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Post by frodi on Aug 19, 2024 7:47:46 GMT -5
Funniest jokes from Edinburgh Festival
Top 15 jokes of the 2024 Fringe
1. I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it. - Mark Simmons
2. I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back. - Alec Snook
3. Ate horse at a restaurant once - wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful. - Alex Kitson
4. I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it. - Arthur Smith
5. I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.- Mark Simmons
6. My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes - Olaf Falafel
7. British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons? - Chelsea Birkby
8. I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it. - Masai Graham
9. My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had - Zoë Coombs Marr
10. The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati. - Olaf Falafel
11. I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’. - Sarah Keyworth
12. I've got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I'd never bought her that vineyard - Roger Swift
13. Gay people are very bad at maths. We don't naturally multiply. - Lou Wall
14. Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher - Sophie Duker
15. Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people - Olga Koch
Here are the previous 10 winners:
2023: Lorna Rose Treen became the first female comedian to win the accolade since the inaugural Fringe joke award in 2008 with her dating pun.
"I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah."
2022: A pasta gag from Masai Graham triumphed as the Fringe festival returned in full force after the Covid pandemic.
"I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta."
2019: Swedish comedian Olaf Falafel got plenty of laughs but also some criticism from a Tourette's charity with his winning joke.
"I keep randomly shouting out 'broccoli' and 'cauliflower' - I think I might have florets."
2018: Liverpool comedian Alan Rowe hit the spot with a one-liner about being sacked by a Jobcentre.
"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."
2017: Ken Cheng, who is also a professional poker player, kept a straight face with his gag about the new pound coin.
"I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change."
2016: Having made the shortlist in the two previous years, Masai Graham finally took the top spot with his organ donor joke.
"My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he is a man after my own heart"
2015: With a Fringe show called Punderbolt, it was no surprise that a pun was Darren Walsh's punchline.
"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free."
2014: Tim Vine became the first comedian to win the award for a second time with his joke about a vacuum cleaner.
"I decided to sell my Hoover... well it was just collecting dust."
2013: Having quit his job selling paintbrushes to become a comedian, Rob Auton's joke was judged a stroke of genius.
"I heard a rumour Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
2012: Canadian funnyman Stewart Francis took a swipe at the Beckhams with his winning joke.
"You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
2011: Nick Helm added a touch of Disney magic to the frustrating task of choosing a new password.
"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
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graham
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Posts: 4,379
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Post by graham on Sept 5, 2024 18:27:59 GMT -5
What's blue, but not as heavy?
Light blue!
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