Medical Misfortune

[Jackie]

A woman went to the doctors' office. She was seen by one of the new doctors but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He then had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and said, "Doesn't still have the hiccups, does she?"

[Jackie]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
with four young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[Jackie]

The doctor finished examining a woman and went into the hallway to talk to her husband.

"I don't want to alarm you," he said, "but I don't like the way your wife looks at all."

"Me neither, Doc." replied the husband. "But she's a great cook and real good with the kids."

[Jackie]

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

[Deleted]

Answering machine messeges for mental health clinic.




"Hello, .... and welcome to the mental health hotline........

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on
the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to
the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.

[Deleted]

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection ?



A quarter pounder with cheese.

[Deleted]

Answering machine messages for mental health clinic.

*If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, no one will answer.

*If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

[MalcolmR]

Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A: A rip off.

[Jackie]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

[frodi]

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

'Can you hear me NOW?'

'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

'God, now I know why I am not gay'

And the best one of all:

"Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[Gimpy]

A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulls out a large syringe to give him an anesthesia shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles!," the man exclaims.
So she starts to hook up the nitrous oxide tank and the man says, "I can't do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me."
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
"No." he says. "I'm fine with pills."
So the lady dentist gives him two little blue pills and he swallows them.
"What are those?" he asks.
"Viagra," she calmly replies.
"I'll be damned," said the man. "I didn't know Viagra works as a painkiller."
"It doesn't," says the wise dentist. "But it'll give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth."

[MalcolmR]

(Stolen from Juli on FB)

The local pharmacy I go to has a saving stamp program. You get one stamp per dollar spent, there's 90 stamps in a booklet and when you redeem, each booklet is $1 off, a little more than 1%. Not much, but better than a poke in the eye. I just refilled all of my scrips today, $180, and I hadn't put my last lot of stamps in the books, so I decided to get on with it. And now my thtongue ith thtuck do der rooth oth my mouth.

[Deleted]

Best Doctor Jokes

One man enters in an ambulant and says to the doctor:

- Help me, please. I have a knife in my back.

The doctor, looking his watch says:

- Now is 2:20 PM, and I work till 2, so as you can imagine I've finished for today, and I can't help you. Be so kind and come tomorrow morning, at 8.

- But tomorrow morning I will be dead. You must help me now.

The doctor, angrily says:

- I explained to you gently that I've finished my shift for today, and that I can't do nothing for you. You must pass here tomorrow.

- But, until tomorrow I will lose all my blood, and I will be dead. Don't you see that I have a knife in the back.

The doctor, already very angry and irritate extracts the knife from the back, and put it in the patients' eye.

- Now you can go to ophthalmologist, he works till 3 PM.

[Gimpy]

The medical community is unable to reach consensus on what to do with America's health insurance situation.
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

[glennfrommars]

Frankenstein dies and approaches St Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter takes a look at his book and turns to Frankenstein "Well, parts of you get to enter and some of you dont. How do you want to handle this?".

[Jackie]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[frodi]

A room full of Medical Reps have been found drowned in a meeting room at the Village Hotel in Swansea.

The reps, who had congregated at the hotel for a team meeting, had filled the car park with Audi A3s parked across two spaces, before drowning in their own bullshit after one of them closed the door in the ‘Inspiration suite’.

Hotel manager Pete Bowen said: “In total there were 20 of these people who weren’t able to make it as proper doctors or reputable marketing executives.

“It was bad enough having clear up all their bullshit, but now we’ve got 20 bodies to dispose of.

“The men, all cleanly shaven and wearing thick knot ties, caused huge disruption in reception because all their dick swinging knocked down the Christmas display.

“The women, all with straight, bobbed hair and pencil skirts were just as bad, especially their patronising demeanours and loud conversations about fictional sales successes.”

Bowen continued: “I’m not sure of the facts, but sometime shortly after a raucous conversation about luxury pens and a new CRM system, someone shut the doors and then they drowned in their own hype.”

Medical company Director Rob Gray said: “We’re on the lookout for new 20 new self-aware and overly confident people to come work for us.

“As effective as the new CRM is, our overpriced medical products won’t sell themselves.

“Send in a CV documenting some corporate buzz words, a full length picture of yourself and a copy of the receipt from when you sold your own Nan.”

[graham]

To the person who stole my depression medicine...

I hope you're happy now!

[MalcolmR]

A woman goes to the doctor. After a full examination she asks "So, Doctor, what do you think the problem is?"

The Doctor replies "I'm afraid it looks like you are pregnant".

"I most definitely am not!" replied the woman.

"I didn't say you were" replied the Doctor "You just look like you are".

[frodi]

[frodi]

[frodi]

[frodi]

[MalcolmR]

Three surgeons are discussing who the easiest patients are to operate on:

The first says "Well I like operating on electricians, everything inside them is colour coded"

The second says "No, I prefer librarians, everything inside them is laid out alphabetically".

The third says "No, you are both wrong, it's politicians. There's no guts, heart, brains or spine; and, the head and the butt are interchangeable".

[MalcolmR]

The doctor said that if I had the vasectomy, I wouldn't have any kids. So, reluctantly I agreed.

Lying twat. After the surgery, I went home and the little bastards are still there!

[Gimpy]

I went back to see my doctor yesterday.
I said, "I applied the hemorrhoid cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."

"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

I said, "On the bus."

[Gimpy]

*My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. *

*Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. *

*At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." *

*Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." *

*The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." *

*Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.

*If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

*The pharmacist said, "Well then, stay off your bicycle for at least a week.

[MalcolmR]

It's bad news for the dyslexics, I'm afraid.

At the end of the month your cocks will go black.

[graham]

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can."

I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.

"I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I’d say your leg appears to be broke in three places."

[graham]

A man asks the doctor: -"Have you got the results of my tests? I'm dying of curiosity!"

The doctor replies: -"It's not just curiosity..."