frodi
Lieutenant
Posts: 19,541
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Post by frodi on May 6, 2020 17:31:04 GMT -5
While riding my BMW, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for. "I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,153
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Post by graham on Jun 5, 2020 12:17:14 GMT -5
I went to the optician today because I keep seeing the world fall apart.
He said I have 2020 vision.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,153
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Post by graham on Aug 28, 2020 11:36:32 GMT -5
Wearing a face mask on your chin or with your nose sticking out is like wearing a condom on your scrotum...
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,153
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Post by graham on Oct 21, 2020 12:57:09 GMT -5
Doctor: Your body has run out of Magnesium
Me: 0Mg!!!
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,769
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 4, 2021 12:20:29 GMT -5
Dentist: "Hello, you're new here aren't you? How unusual, you have no teeth at all! What? A smear test? No, that's next door".
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Bomber
Lieutenant
Posts: 9,754
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Post by Bomber on Mar 16, 2021 15:16:35 GMT -5
Sam, a 75 year old man, walked into a crowded waiting room of Dr. Schwartz and approached the desk. The receptionist, an uptight lady, said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?” “There’s something wrong with my johnson,” he replied. Several people turned their heads to look at him, surprised. The receptionist, embarrassed at the situation, said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.” “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” Sam said. The receptionist replied, “Now you have caused needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.” The man replied, “You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.” He then walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly. “Yes?” “There’s something wrong with my ear,” Sam stated loudly. The receptionist nodded approvingly, knowing he had taken her advice. “What is wrong with your ear, sir?” “I can’t piss out of it,” he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.
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Bomber
Lieutenant
Posts: 9,754
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Post by Bomber on May 1, 2021 10:32:11 GMT -5
A retired farmer became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign that said: Medical treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000.
Doctor Youngman, who was positive that this old illiterate person didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to the farmer’s clinic. This is what transpired: Dr. Youngman: Dr. Farmer, I’ve lost all taste in my mouth.
Can you please help me?
Farmer: Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22, and put 3 drops in Dr. Youngman’s mouth.
Dr. Youngman: Ugh! This is gasoline!
Farmer: Congratulations! You got your taste back. That will be $500.
Dr. Youngman got annoyed and went back after a couple of days to recover his money.
Dr. Youngman: I’ve lost my memory. Can you help?Farmer: Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22, and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.
Dr. Youngman: Oh no you don’t—that’s gasoline!Farmer: Congratulations! You got your memory back. That will be $500.
Dr. Youngman, having lost $1,000, left angrily and came back after several more days.
Dr. Youngman: My eyesight has become weak—I can hardly see!
Farmer: Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so here’s your $1,000 back.Dr. Youngman: But this is only $500 . . .
Farmer: Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,153
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Post by graham on Jul 27, 2021 4:39:37 GMT -5
In the news: A man was shot 200 times yesterday with an upholstery gun.
Doctors say he is now fully recovered.
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,769
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Post by MalcolmR on Jul 31, 2021 7:43:51 GMT -5
I was following an ambulance into town in town when I noticed a small metal box sitting on the rear bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner the box flew off and landed on the side of the road against the curb.
Call me the curious or just the Good Samaritan that I am, I pulled over and retrieved it. When I opened the box there was a human toe packed in ice inside it. Whopp, that’s a serious mistake i thought, so unsure what one of the two hospitals in town the ambulance was heading to.
I took a punt and called the public hospital and explained what I had found. The lady on the other end of the phone said “Yes, the ambulance had just arrived minus the box”. I gave her my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it? The lady replied “No, we’ll just send a toe truck.”
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Bomber
Lieutenant
Posts: 9,754
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Post by Bomber on Jan 1, 2022 17:56:32 GMT -5
Becky goes to the gynocologist who examines her and says, "Wow! You have the biggest labia I've ever seen!" Becky turns red and says, "I know Dr. It's really been a source of embarassment my entire life!" The doctor eeplies, "Becky, I can reduce it very easily. Making it smaller is a simple operatrion." "OK," says Becky, "but I don't want anyone to know. The only people who can know must be on a need-to-know basis!" A week later, Becky awakens from the operation in a hospital room filled to the brim with flowers. "Dr., she exclaims, "This was on a need-to-know basis! Where did all of these flower come from?" "It was on a need-to-know basis," he replied. "One dozen roses was from me for your being such a good patient! The rest are from Mr. Goldstein on the Burn Unit on the fourth floor who wants to thank you for his new ears!"
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Bomber
Lieutenant
Posts: 9,754
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Post by Bomber on Jan 18, 2022 16:24:59 GMT -5
It’s the funeral of Michael the cardiologist and Allen and Henry are there to pay their last respects. Behind Michael’s coffin stands a huge red heart covered in hundreds of flowers. Following the eulogy, the heart suddenly opens, the coffin moves slowly inside and the heart shuts, enclosing Michael inside the beautiful heart forever. Allen immediately bursts out laughing. "What’s so funny?" asks one of the congregation. "I'm sorry," replies Allen, "but I can’t help thinking of my own funeral - I'm a gynaecologist." Henry, the proctologist, then faints.
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Bomber
Lieutenant
Posts: 9,754
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Post by Bomber on Jan 20, 2022 12:52:19 GMT -5
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running
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Bomber
Lieutenant
Posts: 9,754
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Post by Bomber on May 5, 2022 11:08:28 GMT -5
A girl was away at college & decided she need a bicycle to get around campus, so she asked her father, a veterinarian, to send her the money she needed. He sent it, but the girl decided she didn't need a bicycle after all, but instead bought a monkey.
After several weeks, she noticed her pet was losing clumps of hair. So, she wrote to her father for advice. She wrote "My monkey is losing hair, what should I do?"
He wrote back "Sell the bicycle!"
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frodi
Lieutenant
Posts: 19,541
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Post by frodi on Jun 15, 2023 17:27:09 GMT -5
A women was told by her doctor that she had only 6 months to live. He advised her to marry a biochemist and move to Toledo.
"Will this cure my illness?"
"No, but it will make the six months seem like a lot longer."
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