Blonde Jokes

[Jackie]

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.


"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

[Jackie]

A blonde was walking along a country road, when she saw another blonde in a field, sitting in a rowboat and trying to use the oars. The first blonde cupped her hands around her mouth and yelled,
"Hey you! You can't use a boat on dirt! You're giving us blondes a reputation for being dumb, and if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

[Jackie]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot
has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

...the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.

[Jackie]

A blonde calls her boy friend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. He gets there and she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all sweetheart, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." "Second, you just need to relax . . . .have a glass of wine.......and help me put these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[Jackie]

There were three women who were at the gynaecologist having pre-natal check-ups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"
"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears.
"What's the matter ?" asked the Doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ?".....

[Jackie]

A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test.""Oh, No!" she said. Saint Peter said "Don't worry I'll make it easy for you. - Who was the son of God?

The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"

"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter

Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."

[Deleted]

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole,
but we don't have a ladder..'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts
and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and
announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!

We need the height, and she gives us the bloody length!!'

[Deleted]

There was a typical blond. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes.

One day she decided to get makeover. She cut and dyed her hair brunette and went driving down a country road, searching for someone who would appreciate her for her intelligence. When she came across a herd of sheep, she stopped and called the shepherd over.

"That's a nice flock of sheep," she said.

"Well thank you," said the herder.

"Tell you what, I have a proposition for you," said the woman. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"

"Sure," agreed the Shepherd. So the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied: "382".

"Wow," said the shepherd. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.

Then the herder said: "Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess the real colour of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

[Deleted]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year,,,

Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him..

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

[Deleted]

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- £99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the £99 cruise special, please." The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," the he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the £99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?" The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

[MalcolmR]

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."