Clean Jokes

[natalie]

A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey you, get out of here. We don't serve your kind." So the piece of string walks out, wraps himself around a few times and ruffles up one of his ends. The string walks back in and the bartender says, "Hey, aren't you the piece of string I threw out of here a minute ago?" So the piece of string says, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."

[MalcolmR]

Police have found a dead body at a Dominos which was covered in ham, cheese and pineapple.
Police believe he may have topped himself.

[MalcolmR]

Where did Noah keep the bees?

In the Ark hives.

[Tis]

Q: What animal never bumps its head?



A: Duck

[Stan]

A little kid asks his mom, " Mom, what's a Canadian?". Mom replies," a Canadian is an unarmed North American with health insurance"

[Gimpy]

BEER AND THE WHEEL
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.

Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa. These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals. 2. Conservatives.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer.
This was the beginning of what is known as the conservative movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called 'vegetarians' which was an early human word meaning 'bad hunter') learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.

Some of these Liberal men evolved into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern Liberals like lite beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, condominium lawyers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and to just piss-off more liberals.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to grab a few beers and grill some steaks!

[MalcolmR]

My neighbor. She's single & she's shapely. She's beautiful and she lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said,"I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

"Great" she said. " Can you watch my dog?"

[MalcolmR]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
Teacher: Where the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
Johnny: Because I already have 1 at home!!!

[graham]

Puns in Quotes

"You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish. Unless of course, you play bass." - Douglas Adams
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." - Groucho Marx
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted." - Fred Allen
“Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.” - Mark Twain
"Atheism is a non-prophet institution" - George Carlin
"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" - Stewart Francis

Puns in Headlines and Advertising

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Juvenile Court Tried Shooting Defendant
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
Residents Warned to Protect Fish and Hens to Avoid Otter Devastation
Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes on 210 Freeway - Creates Jam
The Greatest Flow on Earth - About Golden Corrals’ caramel, chocolate and white chocolate fountains.

[graham]

[Tis]

I wanted to get a pair of winter boots with fringe on them but I didn't want them to look like all the others with the fringe just going straight across. So, when I found a pair with the fringe cut into offset zig-zags to form diamonds, I just had to get them because...








Diamonds are a girl's best fringe.

[Dan]

A warning to all
Be careful about drinking and driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many sambuca and then went on to stella. Not a good idea! Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave my car in town and took a bus home, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and doing breath tests, Because I was in a bus they just waved me past. I arrived home safely and no accident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from !

[Gimpy]

Landing on the sun

Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is too hot. How can your man land on the sun?”
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.
Kim Jong-Un quietly answered "We will land at night”.
The gathering and everyone in North Korea watching on television broke into thunderous applause.



Back in Washington, Nancy Pelosi and her entourage were watching the news conference
When Pelosi heard what Kim said, she sneered - "What an idiot. Everybody knows there’s no sun at night.”
Her office and everyone working in the DNC broke into thunderous applause.

[Gimpy]

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.’

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?’

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.

[graham]

Did you know that in Sweden the warships now come with barcodes on the side as standard?

It's so they can Scandinavian.

[graham]

I burned my Hawaiian pizza today.

I should have used aloha temperature.

[graham]

Talk about adding insult to injury...

[MalcolmR]

What did communists use to light their homes with before using candles?

Electricity.

[MalcolmR]

A man walking along a Californian beach was deep in prayer.

All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, please grant me one wish".

The sunny Californian sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I shall grant you one wish".

The man replied, "build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over whenever I want".

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, the concrete and steel needed to cover so many miles! I can do it, but it is very hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish that you think would honour and glorify me".

So the man thought about it for a while, and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they're thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they really mean when they say 'nothing!', and how I can make a woman truly happy".

The Lord replies, "you want two lanes or four on that bridge?".

[glennfrommars]

There was once a hardworking honeybee in a hive. He worked so hard and produced so much honey that all the other bees decided to elect him as their leader. He organised everything in the hive so well that the hive was making twice as much honey as they normally did. The bee decided that he had done as much as he could for the hive and that he should move on with his life. He decided he wanted to be a pharmacologist. He went to college and worked really hard to get a degree. He did so well in college that, as soon as he was out he was offered a prestigious job in a lab. He worked really hard and eventually found cures for aids and cancer. The bee decided that he had pretty much cracked the world of medicine and he wanted to get into law. He worked hard in college, got his degree and passed the bar. He did so well that in no time, he was a successful barrister. After a lot of hard work, he became a judge. He was such a good and fair judge that he was soon on the supreme court. Everyone loved him and soon he was elected. He worked so hard for the people that they elected him as president. Again he worked hard and soon, all of the country's problems were fixed. there was no pollution, no recession, and everyone lived a long,happy life. One day, he was flying down the street when he saw a woman holding her child's hand. He knew then that something was missing. He decided to get back in touch with his roots and flew back to his hive. He asked his old friends if anything had changed and they replied that "nothing much...except they blocked up the water tap. Now we have to fly 2 miles to get some water from the other one." The bee decided that he would set off straight away, as he was thirsty. When he arrived, he saw there was a very long line at the water tap. He asked the guy ahead of him if there was anywhere else he could go with a shorter line. The guy replied "Yeah there's a Coca-Cola tap just about a mile from here." The bee thanked him and set off. When he arrived, there was still quite a long line at that tap. He asked the guy in front of him if there was anywhere else he could go. The guy said "Yeah, there's a fruit punch tap about half a mile away that no-one really uses". The bee thanked him and set off. He flied and flied and, in the end, there is no punch-line.

[graham]

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

[graham]

I was going to post a joke about time travel, but you didn't find it funny.

[frodi]

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement
in her lovely Irish brogue:
“Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we
have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free
and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight."
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:
"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."

[graham]

My grandfather did 5 years in Vietnam.

Turns out armed robbery is illegal there too.

[MalcolmR]

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Ted, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Ted is dying, Mike visits him every day:
One day Mike says. "Ted, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Ted looks up at Mike from his death bed." Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Ted passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him."
"Mike - Mike."
"Who is it?" Asks Mike, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike, it's me, Ted."
"You're not Ted. Ted just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Ted." Insists the voice."
"Ted! Where are you?"
"In heaven." Replies Ted.
"I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first." Says Mike.
"The good news is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic." Says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're playing on Tuesday."

[Dan]

Mar 24, 2020 18:16:35 GMT -5 frodi said:

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement
in her lovely Irish brogue:
“Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we
have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free
and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight."
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:
"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."

Yeah... I can do that...

[graham]

(I didn't know where else to put this...)

Maybe you're having a bad day, but I'm pretty sure you're not having a "tell your boss you set off the fire suppression system at the Minnesota National Guard hangar and foamed all 10 aircraft." kinda bad day...

!!

[graham]

Read the whole thing...!

[frodi]

Two anti-vaxxers are killed in a car crash. (insert conspiracy)

Standing in front of God, one of them asks, “God, is it true they're injecting microchips with the COVID vaccines?”

God replies, with a chuckle, “Absolutely not”

The guy's friend leans over and whispers, “MAN, This thing goes a lot higher up than we thought!”

[MalcolmR]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
With that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo, what ees it? "
"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...
Ees....
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees.... a ham bush."