Clean Jokes

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What do you call a magician who's lost his magic?

Ian.

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"My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet to lose some fat."

"Did it work?"

"Yes, it made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean..."

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The Dictator of a small country was known for playing the trombone.

A group of revolutionaries said that, when they take power, he'll be the first against the waa-waa-waa-wall.

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Were the Egyptians who spoke both the Greek and Coptic languages Helle-Copters?

(I'll get my coat...)

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Banbury cross : Cock horse

Amarillo - Ask if this is the way

Your door : Walk 500 miles

Dublin - Rocky road

[Bomber]

Melvyn and Aaron tee off on the first and eventually both par the hole. They are head to head Coming off the ninth. Melvyn tees off the tenth and slices the ball out of bounds and onto the road running alongside the course. Melvyn takes another shot and they both carry on playing to the 18th where Aaron wins the match by 3 shots. Walking off they are approached by the secretary and club captain. The secretary asked if one of them went out of bounds on the tenth. Melvyn said " yes I did" The secretary said " I'm afraid your ball hit an oncoming car, went through the windscreen, hit the driver killing him instantly. He swerved onto the motorway, flew off the bridge onto the 9- 50 fast train to London which derailed killing many and injuring scores of people" Melvyn fell to his knees screaming "no no no, I'm sorry so sorry, what can I do, what can I possibly do" The secretary said " try aiming a little more to the left and keep your head down for longer"

[Bomber]

The police are called to Avrahom’s house in the Five Towns - the neighbors have heard some screaming. When the police arrive, they find Avrahom’s wife Sadie standing over Avrahom’s lifeless body holding a 6-iron in her hand. The club is still dripping blood.
A police constable asks Sadie, "Is that your husband, madam?"
"Yes it is," replies Sadie.
"And did you hit him with that golf club you’re holding, madam?"
"Certainly," replies Sadie. She then drops the golf club, puts her hands over her face and begins to cry. "We only just got back from playing at a golf tournament," she sobs.
"How many times did you hit your husband, madam?" asks the constable.
"I don't know," replies Sadie. "Six, seven, maybe even eight times – but just put me down for a six."

[Bomber]

Sam was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father will die, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted a woman whose natural beauty grabbed his attention.
"I may look like just a plain, ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a short while, my father will die, and I'll inherit 30 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three days later… she became his stepmother.

[Bomber]

Rebecca was driving home from one of her business trips in New Mexico when she saw an old Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the old Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the trip, Rebecca tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a black leather bag on the seat next to Rebecca.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Rebecca looked down at the leather bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for a few seconds. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, “Good trade.”

[frodi]

Not quite sure what section to post this one in.

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In Star Trek:

WARP drive is used by the starships.

WEFT drive is used by the shuttles.

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