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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:31:32 GMT -5
What do you call a unemployed Osama bin Laden ?
Osama Bin Laid Off
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:31:55 GMT -5
How come there is only one Monopolies Commission?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:32:14 GMT -5
Whats the definition of "endless love"??
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis....
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:32:25 GMT -5
My Dad's 83 years old and I call him Spiderman
Not because he's superhuman, but because he can't get out of the bath!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:33:00 GMT -5
I phoned up the local Indian takeaway last night… I said do you deliver… they said no, just chicken and lamb.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 23:08:48 GMT -5
Did you hear about the wino who was caught drinking Channel No5?
He was done for fragrancy!!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 23:11:06 GMT -5
It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder. "Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.
The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.
"Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!"
"Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!...Thank you, thank you!"
Father Christmas promises him that:
1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.
3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in credit, you will have no outstanding bills.
"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?" Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over.
After a quite brutal Rogering, which made his eyes water, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.
"36" replies the man.
"Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" chuckled the fat gay in fancy dress.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 23:15:26 GMT -5
Passengers on a plane. Captain announces on the tannoy, 'Sorry, folks, try and stay calm but we're about to crash land. You've probably only got a few minutes left to live.'
In the ensuing panic, a woman stands up and in a provocative pose, asks, 'Is there any man here man enough to make me feel like a woman?'
A bloke stands up, takes off his shirt and says, 'Yeah, here love, iron this.'
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 23:16:11 GMT -5
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 23:18:30 GMT -5
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.""**** that" says Mick"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 23:23:28 GMT -5
I've just booked a fortnight's holiday at a nudist camp . I think the first 2 days will be hardest .
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 23:25:09 GMT -5
i went to the docs today and he warned me that i might have myanxiaquivexazinung but its hard to say!!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 23:25:51 GMT -5
Every man is a millionaire by his sperm count & the funny thing is even these millions are spent on women...!!!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 23:26:39 GMT -5
I just sent off my order for an instructional DVD called "Get rich fast by scamming idiots!"
It should be good, seeing as I paid £2000 for it.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 4:07:26 GMT -5
Once upon a time there was a baby bunny. This bunny had never ventured beyond the fence around the field its warren was in. One evening, just after dusk, the bunny was nibbling on the grass by the fence and looking longingly at all the really lush grass and dandelions in the field over the road. Now this road was a really busy road and the little bunny had always been told not to cross the road because it was too dangerous.
Well, the baby bunny’s daddy hopped over to see his son and the baby bunny asked his dad if he could cross the road.
“Well, son” his dad said, “It’s a dangerous road. Loads of your family have been killed trying to cross it, but there is a way.”
“Go on, Dad, tell me” squeaked the baby bunny, excitedly.
“Well son, what you do is you set off across the road and keep your ears pricked for the sound of approaching cars. If you hear one, you turn to face it, look at the lights on the car, get between them, duck down and the car will pass straight over you”
At this point an old hedgehog ambles across to see what is going on.
“What’s going on, Rabbit?” he asks.
“Well” said the old, wise Rabbit “I’m teaching my son here how to cross the road and avoid getting squashed by a car”
“Very wise” said the hedgehog. ”Several members of my family have died on this road. What have you told him to do? It could be useful”
“Well” said the old Rabbit. “I’ve told him to set off across the road and keep his ears pricked for the sound of approaching cars. If he hears one, he must turn to face it, look at the lights on the car, get between them, duck down and the car will pass straight over him”
“What a good idea” replied the hedgehog.
So the baby bunny takes a few deep breaths and sets off across the road. He hears and approaching car and, being a sensible bunny, does exactly what his daddy told him.
SPLAT. Blood, guts and fur fly everywhere, spattering his dad and the hedgehog.
The hedgehog turns to the Rabbit and says
Oh dear. You don’t see many Reliant Robins these days, do you?”
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 4:08:02 GMT -5
A scarecrow was given an award recently for being outstanding in his field.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 4:08:32 GMT -5
What's the definition of an innuendo........
It's an Italian suppository
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 4:10:07 GMT -5
Little Johnny boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done all his chores. "Not yet," says Johnny. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ****** off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" asks Johnny. "Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any pork or bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, Johnny's father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a wicked smile, and says: "You gonna tell him or should I?"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 4:10:52 GMT -5
I work for the Samaritans, feeling under the weather yesterday so rang in sick The woman at the other end of the phone talked me out of it
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 4:15:58 GMT -5
A VERY Touching Story:
There was a man who worked for the Post Office, whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting, "To God." He thought he should open it to see what it was about. He opened it and read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100.00 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all of the other workers. Each of them dug into there wallets and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96.00, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all of the workers felt a warm glow for the kind thing they had done. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady, to God. All of the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving ******** at the Post Office.
Sincerely,
Edna
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 4:17:34 GMT -5
Talking Italian
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 4:18:03 GMT -5
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 4:20:34 GMT -5
Man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One`s for me and one`s for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That`s amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. "That`s amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?" The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called the witch doctor a ****!"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 4:20:47 GMT -5
Been trying to book tickets on the phone for an Elvis tribute act, but it just keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.....
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 4:21:02 GMT -5
Why do communists use tea bags?
Because proper tea is theft!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 4:21:48 GMT -5
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard, smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit ****** off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says: "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 4:31:54 GMT -5
Two old guys suffering from Alzheimer's are sitting on a bench when an ice-cream van comes down the street. "Do you want one?" asks the first guy. "Yes, I'll have a cone, but write it down or otherwise you'll forget" says the second. "No I won't" says the first. "Look, I want a cone with a flake, and I know you'll forget, so write it down" says the second. "I won't forget" says the first guy, getting slightly irritated. "OK then, look - I want a cone, a flake and strawberry sauce. Now write it down or you WILL forget" says the second. The first guy is getting quite miffed now and still argues that he won't forget. The second guy says irritably "I want a cone, a flake, strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands little chocolate bits sprinkled all over. You won't remember all that so WRITE IT DOWN!" The first guy, now really annoyed, walks off and five minutes later comes back with a meat pie. The second guy looks at him and says "Where's my f***ing chips?"
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2014 2:11:58 GMT -5
The Best Comeback Line Ever?
It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2014 2:17:46 GMT -5
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals"
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?" "A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2014 2:18:34 GMT -5
Walked past my fridge just now and thought I heard the BeeGees singing inside, but when I opened the door it was just a chive talking
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