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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:21:22 GMT -5
My new girlfriend thinks I'm a bit of a stalker...
Well, she's not actually my girlfriend.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:21:50 GMT -5
I was in the pub the other night with the missus and said out loud "I love you"
She looked at me and said "Is that you or the beer talking?"
Daft cow, it was me talking to the beer.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:22:14 GMT -5
A midget walks into a library and asks for a book on irony..
..the librarian says "its over there on the top shelf"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:22:32 GMT -5
I've just had an email back from Screwfix
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency..
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:23:04 GMT -5
Finally some good news for Agoraphobics - the cure is just around the corner...
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:23:49 GMT -5
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news .. My husband passed away last night"
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father"
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:33:32 GMT -5
Why did the farmer get an award
Because he was outstanding in his field
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:33:55 GMT -5
I put some body spray on last night, but I only managed to pull Anne Robinson.
It must have been the weakest Lynx?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:34:20 GMT -5
I'm Josef Fritzl, and no Windows was my idea.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:34:54 GMT -5
Dear Children,
Santa is Mom and Dad.
Love, Wikileaks
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:35:18 GMT -5
Dave drowned
So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt
Well, it's what he would have wanted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:36:50 GMT -5
My deaf girlfriend dumped me for one of her deaf friends ...I'm devastated, I should have seen the signs
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2014 4:37:04 GMT -5
I went busking with a pencil and a sketchpad the other day.
Didn't earn any money, but I did manage to draw a crowd
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:04:05 GMT -5
Doctor told me today i am colour blind.This came right out of the orange.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:05:23 GMT -5
Was at the gym yesterday and this girl walked in and we started chatting
"i only started here so i could lose a few pounds" she said
i replied "have you tried skipping?"
"you mean like the boxers do?" she replied with a giggle
"no i mean a few meals"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:06:48 GMT -5
Following the tragic death of the human cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to find another man of the same calibre"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:08:00 GMT -5
I met a popstar in a nightclub last night and we ended up getting really drunk and going back to my place.
She was all over me in the taxi, stroking and caressing my body and whispering filth into my ear, but as soon as she got through the front door she stiffened up and her attitude changed completely.
"What the **** is that pathetic little thing?" She demanded. "How the hell do you think that you're going to satisfy me with that?"
"I'm sorry Adele", I replied, "It's the biggest fridge I could afford".
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:08:58 GMT -5
viagra the proud sponsers of andy murray--for men who can only manage a semi
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:10:09 GMT -5
Mr Tickle wanted to marry the girl of his dreams,however Tess was reluctant to take on his surname.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:12:05 GMT -5
A scouser is on holiday in Arizona USA. He's staying in a remote frontier type town and walks into a bar .
He orders his drink and sits down at the bar when he notices a native American Indian, dressed in full regalia, feathered head dress, tomahawk, spear, the lot, sitting in the corner under a sign saying 'Ask me anything'
The scouser is intrigued and asks the barman about him.
'Oh, we call him the memory man, He knows everything.' says the barman.
'What do you mean he knows everything?’ asks the scouser.
'Well, he knows every fact there is to know and he never, ever forgets anything'
'Yeah right' says the scouser.
'If you don't believe me, try him out. Ask him anything, and he'll know the answer'
'Alright' says the Scouser and walks up to the Memory Man.
'Where am I from ?'
'Knotty Ash, Liverpool , England ' says the Red Indian. And he was right.
‘Alright’ says the scouser, ‘that was easy you probably recognized my accent. Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'
' Liverpool ' says the memory man quick as a flash.
'Yes and who did they play?'
'Leeds United' again without blinking
'And the score?'
'2-1' says the memory man without hesitation.
'Pretty good, but I bet you don't know who scored the winning goal?'
'Ian St John' says the Indian in an instant.
Flabbergasted the tourist continues on his holiday and on his return to Birkenhead tells all and sundry about the amazing Memory Man. He just can't get him out of his mind and so he vows to return and find him again and pay him his due respect .
He saves his dole money for years and finally twelve years later he has saved enough and returns to the states in search of the memory man.
He searches high and low for him. And after two weeks of trying virtually every bar and town in Arizona he finds him sitting in a cave in the mountains, older, greyer and more wrinkled than before but still resplendent in his war paint and full regalia.
The scouser, duly humbled approaches him and decides to greet him in the traditional manner..
'How'.
The memory man squints at the scouser.
'Flying header in the six yard box.'
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:12:41 GMT -5
The woman who injected her 8 year-old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody of her
The child didn't look surprised.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:13:04 GMT -5
I remember during the world cup shouting at the tv screen "Rooney you ****, you couldn't score in a brothel!"
How stupid do I feel now!!!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:13:58 GMT -5
Some bastard has pinched a pair of my wife's knickers of the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers,but want's the 22 pegs back.?
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:14:36 GMT -5
Just lost my job as a personal shopper in a major department store. A woman asked me "What type of watch would best suit an Afro Caribbean gentleman?"
It would seem that my answer of "A neighbourhood one", was not appreciated
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:17:00 GMT -5
The Grim Reaper came for me last night but, I managed to beat him off with the vacuum cleaner... Talk about Dyson with death.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:17:34 GMT -5
George Michael settled in well in prison. He's already written a new song about is skinhead cellmate. His new single will be called "Hairless Fister"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:19:28 GMT -5
I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy. This pan he sold me doesn't fly at all.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:20:30 GMT -5
What's the difference between people who live in Dubai and people who live in Abu Dhabi?
People who live in Dubai do not watch the Flinstones, but people in Abu Dhabi doo.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:28:04 GMT -5
A farmer sat weeping on an iron gate leading to his fields, on a bitterly cold deep mid-Winter morning. He was inconsolable.
After a short while, a little old lady came up the lane, noticed him crying and stopped to ask him what was wrong.
"It's terrible" he said, "All my cows have frozen to death in the bitter cold, and I'm ruined, and I'd just managed to build up my farm again after the foot and mouth outbreak. I'm desperate, and don't know how I can go on."
The little old lady looks over his shoulder in the field and indeed notices his livestock are all frozen stiff, some standing bolt upright, others lying flat on the ground.
"I might be able to help" she says, and she walks into the field and systematically goes round touching each of the cows on the nose, and miraculously, they start to revive, start moving around, picking at bits of frozen grass.
The farmer can't believe what he's seeing, and he's overjoyed, and asks the old lady how he could ever thank her.
"I don't need any thanks" she replies,"just glad to do a little bit of good in the community." And with that, she starts wandering off back down the lane away from the farmer".
"At least let me know your name" says the farmer, just beginning to notice a hint of recognition.
"Of course, petal", says the little old lady, "I'm Thora Hird".
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2014 0:29:54 GMT -5
Osama bin Laden was sitting in his cave wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Laden" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Osama replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Osama paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Osama asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Osama sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified arrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Osama was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring yo back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Laden! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Osama. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
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