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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 23:49:24 GMT -5
Did you know there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!
But he loves you
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 23:50:23 GMT -5
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 23:50:48 GMT -5
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 23:51:11 GMT -5
I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 23:52:36 GMT -5
Success
At age 4 success is: not peeing in your pants At age 12 success is: having friends. At age 16 success is: having a driver’s licence. At age 30 success is: having money. At age 60 success is: having money. At age 70 success is: having a driver’s licence At age 80 success is: having friends. At age 90 success is: not peeing in your pants.
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 23:53:26 GMT -5
The History Channel.
The only channel a Liverpool supporter ever joys watching.
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 23:54:27 GMT -5
Was feeling suicidal last night and phoned the Samaritans. They were busy, and just left me hanging on the line.
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 23:54:44 GMT -5
According to a recent poll, 90% of men in Liverpool have had sex in the showers.
The other 10% have not been to prison.
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 23:55:22 GMT -5
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married.
I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 23:56:02 GMT -5
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in."
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 23:57:11 GMT -5
Dear Deirdre
Twice now I have walked in on my husband masturbating in the bathroom. What should I do
Janice,knock
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 23:57:35 GMT -5
The first commandment states: "I am the lord your god you shall have no other Gods but me." The first two deadly sins are: "Vanity & Envy"
F*cking Hypocrite!
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 23:57:55 GMT -5
I was hit in the head with a Werthers.
I thought, that's original.
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 23:58:28 GMT -5
After there were very small crowd numbers at the commonwealth games, thousands of Indian school children have been given free tickets. Unfortunately, none of them have been able to get time off work to go.
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 23:58:53 GMT -5
I'm going into hospital tomorrow to undergo a risky medical procedure. I spoke to my surgeon earlier to explain that I was a little nervous, but he reassured me.
"There's only a 1 in 100 chance of anything going seriously wrong", he said.
"Besides, I've done 99 of these operations before and they've all been fine".
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 23:59:15 GMT -5
I said to my mate i'm going into hospital to be circumcised tomorow. he said i had it done when i was 4 months old. did it hurt?
He said i couldn't walk for 12 months!!
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 23:59:32 GMT -5
'With great power, comes a great electricity bill.'
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:00:00 GMT -5
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you"
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:00:16 GMT -5
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:01:01 GMT -5
I went to a feminist picnic the other day.
It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:01:29 GMT -5
Two stunning Lesbians broke into my house and stormed into the bedroom and started molesting my wife.
I tried to fight them off but all I managed to do was knock one out.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:02:05 GMT -5
I was going to start a paranoia society but I'm someone was trying to stop me
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:02:34 GMT -5
The muslim kids next door challenged me to a water fight but they got fed up when i was waiting for the kettle to boil
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:02:59 GMT -5
I think my phone lines crossed with a lighthouse every time i pick the phone up this voice says,"is the coast clear?"
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:03:43 GMT -5
iI said to this pirate ,"how much were your earings?"
he said a dollar each"
I said "that's not bad for a buckaneer"
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:08:04 GMT -5
I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet. But only for about 30 seconds
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:08:25 GMT -5
I saw a bloke being completely henpecked by his girlfriend on The Jeremy Kyle Show.
You could really see who wears the tracksuit bottoms in their relationship.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:08:39 GMT -5
I threw my cat into a swimming pool filled with milk.
He did a few laps.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:08:57 GMT -5
When I die I want to be be reincarnated as a spider.
Just to hear the words "Oh my God, it's huge!"
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:10:10 GMT -5
Arsene Wenger is expected to be making many more signings in the near future.
Every two weeks at the job centre.
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