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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:10:27 GMT -5
A survey has shown that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:12:16 GMT -5
Large crystal ball for sale.
£40, but you will knock me down to £35.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:12:57 GMT -5
21 Economic models...as explained with cows
SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the hell out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:14:17 GMT -5
Arsene Wenger: "I won't quit"
That's not the French spirit.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:14:41 GMT -5
If sex between three people is called a Threesome and sex between two people is called a Twosome...
Then why is Handsome still a compliment?
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:15:17 GMT -5
The barman says, "We don't serve time traveler's in here."
A time traveler walks into a bar.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:15:39 GMT -5
I just watched a film about a couple who bought a haunted yoghurt.
It's called Paranormal Activia.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:15:58 GMT -5
I've worked out why women ask so many questions. They have a "why " chromosome.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:16:22 GMT -5
A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth." Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist." Man: "Yes, I know." Dentist: "So why did you come in here?" Man: "The light was on..."
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:16:50 GMT -5
I tried to speed up my racing snail by removing his shell.... all to no avail though... If anything it's made him more sluggish!
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:17:14 GMT -5
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:20:45 GMT -5
A motorcyclist knocked on my car window and asked for a light while i was doing 70 mph,
I said,"don't you think this is dangerous?",he said,"not really ,i only smoke 5 a day"
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:21:21 GMT -5
My mate rung me today and asked "what are you doing at the moment?" I replied "probably failing my driving test"
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:21:49 GMT -5
My mate said, "I like your car." I said, "It's not very practical now we've got a baby." He said, "How about I buy it off you." I said, "Yeah go on then. Three grand?" He said, "You've got yourself a deal." I said, "Nice one... you're going to make a brilliant dad."
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:22:39 GMT -5
Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager asks "Have you worked with chemicals before?" "Yes!" Paddy replies. The manager asks "Can you tell me what nitrate is?" Paddy replies "I"m hoping its going to be time and a half.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:23:26 GMT -5
A single spelling mistake that caused a divorce. A man went 2 Amsterdam & sent a message 2 his wife. Having the most amazing & wonderful time, wish u were her!
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:23:36 GMT -5
A single spelling mistake that caused a divorce. A man went 2 Amsterdam & sent a message 2 his wife. Having the most amazing & wonderful time, wish u were her!
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:24:01 GMT -5
A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Why the long face?"
The horse replies "Because you tell that same f**king joke every time I come in here.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:24:20 GMT -5
I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"?
F**king firemen.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:24:39 GMT -5
A horse walks into a bar and the barman asks, "Why the long face?"
The horse, being a horse and thus unable to speak or comprehend the complexities of conversation, does not reply and sh*ts on the floor.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:25:12 GMT -5
If men can't multitask how come I can brush my teeth and pee allover the floor and toilet seat at the same time?
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:25:26 GMT -5
Herpes,
The Greek God of STDs.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:25:44 GMT -5
"Someone's been eating my porridge!" said Father bear.
Mother bear sighed and poured him another bowl. Life was tough and draining for her, now that her husband was suffering from Alzheimer's.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:26:31 GMT -5
A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon" The Italian says, "We have the Colosseum" The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians" The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire" and so on and so on.
Then the Greek says; "We invented sex!" The Italian replies; "That is true... but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!!"
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:27:24 GMT -5
The speed in which a woman says "Nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the coming storm.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:27:44 GMT -5
We should always respect the dead, even if the person was ugly, had sailor tattoos, slurred their speech, lived with a lifelong addiction and relied upon a fix to get through the day...
RIP Popeye.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:28:19 GMT -5
"What do we want?" "A cure for dyslexia." "When do we want it?" "Own."
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:30:09 GMT -5
A custard pie has been thrown at Rupert Murdoch on live television .
This matter will now be investigated by the clown prosecution service.
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:30:33 GMT -5
I've downloaded the Qur'an on my computer. Anyone want me to burn them a copy?
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Post by Deleted on May 27, 2014 0:30:48 GMT -5
I'm not a fan of innuendos, but I do try to slip one in occasionally...
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