MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
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Post by MalcolmR on Feb 5, 2020 12:37:31 GMT -5
What do you call an elevator filled with intelligent, slim, polite people?
A lift.
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,797
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Post by MalcolmR on Feb 10, 2020 4:39:07 GMT -5
A Liverpool fan dies and goes to heaven in his Liverpool shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Jesus.
“Hello son.” says Jesus, “I’m sorry, no Liverpool fans in heaven.”
“What?” exclaims the man, astonished.
“You heard, no Liverpool fans.”
“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man, replies the Norwegian c#nt.
“Oh really”, says Jesus. “What have you done then?”
“Well” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa.”
“Oh” says Jesus. “anything else?”
“Well two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless.”
“Hmmm. Anything else?”
“Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans.”
“Okay”, said Jesus, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor.”
Ten minutes pass before Jesus returns. He looks the guy in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty quid back, now f#ck off!”
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,797
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Post by MalcolmR on Feb 21, 2020 13:57:58 GMT -5
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door 3 hours later he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing there shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called...you left your wheelchair there again.
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,797
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Post by MalcolmR on Feb 22, 2020 7:18:17 GMT -5
A Priest, an Imam and a Rabbit walk into a bar.
The rabbit says, "I think that I may be a typo"
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,797
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Post by MalcolmR on Feb 26, 2020 16:34:34 GMT -5
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children: The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor. "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job." Said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5." At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand... This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, Sunderland, Aberdeen and anywhere in Wales...
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,163
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Post by graham on Mar 8, 2020 9:03:47 GMT -5
I was in the bank yesterday when two people came in wearing masks.
Everyone was panicking until they said "Don't worry, this is just a robbery..."
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 13, 2020 8:23:48 GMT -5
Latest purchase limits placed on shops, due to panic buying in light of the Coronavirus;
ASDA: 2 hand sanitisers and a 4 pack of toilet rolls.
TESCO: 1 hand sanitiser, 500g of rice and 4 pack of toilet rolls.
WAITROSE: 1 lobster, 6 quails eggs and 100g of Foie Gras.
ALDI: a MIG welder, a pink sports bra, 2 trumpets and 1 wetsuit.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,163
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Post by graham on Mar 27, 2020 14:41:22 GMT -5
One of my neighbours was taken to hospital and tested positive for COVID-19.
Luckily he was put on one of the new Dyson ventilators... . . . . . . He's picking up nicely.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,163
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Post by graham on Mar 30, 2020 13:07:43 GMT -5
The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out. 'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off' 'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!' 'Jason has had his skate board taken off him
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're having sex?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,163
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Post by graham on Apr 7, 2020 6:30:23 GMT -5
I got my friend an elephant for his room...
He said: “Thanks.”
I said: “Don’t mention it.”
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,797
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Post by MalcolmR on Apr 20, 2020 7:44:50 GMT -5
"I cycled down to my local shop to buy a bottle of whisky to keep me going through the lockdown.
I then had a horrible thought that if I fell off my bike on the way home I would break the bottle, so I decided it was better that I just drink it all outside the shop before getting back on my bike.
Good job I did... I fell off my bike 9 times on the way home!"
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,797
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Post by MalcolmR on Apr 26, 2020 10:55:21 GMT -5
A goat goes into a job centre and asks in perfect English for some work. The slightly amazed clerk looks through his files and suggests to the goat that he should try the circus.
"The circus?" replied the goat, "Why would a circus need a bricklayer?"
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,163
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Post by graham on Apr 26, 2020 16:42:57 GMT -5
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them...
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,163
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Post by graham on May 14, 2020 14:59:13 GMT -5
Here in the UK, people aren't allowed to visit their relatives' homes, but Estate Agents are allowed to buy and sell houses.
A friend has put her house on the market and her mum is popping round for a viewing tomorrow...
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,163
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Post by graham on May 28, 2020 15:42:28 GMT -5
Just got to get this off my chest.... I'm getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, £2.70 for coffee, £1.00 a biscuit, £4.00 an hour for parking.
If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,797
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Post by MalcolmR on Jun 18, 2020 11:56:24 GMT -5
George III, Adolf Hitler and Napoleon are sitting at a bar, watching a huge North Korean military parade on the BBC.
Impressed by the modern technology, Mad King George said - "If I’d had mechanised infantry like that I'd have smashed the Americans in the War of Independence." Hitler sighed - "And if I’d had missiles like those the Soviets wouldn't have stood a chance at Stalingrad."
Napoleon leaned forward and said - "And if I had a propaganda machine like the BBC nobody would have ever found out about the Battle of Waterloo."
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,797
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Post by MalcolmR on Jun 20, 2020 15:50:29 GMT -5
A man walks into a pub.
Lucky bastard.
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,797
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Post by MalcolmR on Jun 24, 2020 0:29:00 GMT -5
So like a lot of people during lockdown I've been getting most of my clothes online, but my neighbours have started taking their washing in at night so looking for suggestions on where to go now😂 — looking for recommendations.
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,797
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Post by MalcolmR on Jun 24, 2020 0:31:30 GMT -5
Just been to B&Q for a fluorescent light. The girl at the checkout said "are you putting this up yourself?" I said "No you dirty cow, it's going in my kitchen!"
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,163
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Post by graham on Aug 20, 2020 6:00:31 GMT -5
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."
"Look at what kids your age make in China!
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,163
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Post by graham on Aug 20, 2020 6:00:41 GMT -5
Phrases that mean nothing will happen:
Leave it with me I’ll have a word I’ll see what I can find Consider it done! I’ll make some calls I’ll think about it Certainly a possibility Let’s come back to that Good idea Maybe It’s on my list Might see you down there I’ll look into it
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,797
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Post by MalcolmR on Sept 3, 2020 5:50:29 GMT -5
“Fred, Velma, Daphne – name an African animal that has a horn”
“Rhino!”
“I know you do Scooby, but it’s not your turn”
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MalcolmR
Lieutenant
Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,797
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Post by MalcolmR on Sept 3, 2020 13:23:43 GMT -5
I was speaking to a Chinese bloke in the pub the other night. I asked him what he does for a living and he said, "I'm a Pirate."
I said, "Oh, you sail on a boat?"
He replied, "No, I fry pranes!"
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,163
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Post by graham on Sept 11, 2020 19:35:26 GMT -5
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,163
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Post by graham on Sept 15, 2020 5:23:41 GMT -5
Following on from the previous post...
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,163
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Post by graham on Sept 17, 2020 16:58:46 GMT -5
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
Posts: 24,797
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Post by MalcolmR on Oct 4, 2020 13:34:33 GMT -5
The inventor of the sexual innuendo has sadly passed away.
His wife is taking it very hard.
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frodi
Lieutenant
Posts: 19,576
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Post by frodi on Nov 10, 2020 16:45:49 GMT -5
53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention. Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd.. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?' Wayne Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?' After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says, ' Forty!' Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!' Gerrard says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.' So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?' After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?' Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Rooney starts crying. But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!' Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?' Silence hangs over the stadium. Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?' Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,163
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Post by graham on Nov 12, 2020 6:03:06 GMT -5
I've just heard that, due to the number of sporting events being cancelled due to COVID-19, they're going to be broadcasting the World Origami Championships.
It's on Paperview.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,163
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Post by graham on Nov 17, 2020 19:21:08 GMT -5
Wembley tickets, England v Scotland, 18th June 2021
This may be of interest to you. A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for England v Scotland. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at Hamilton Registry Office, at 2.30pm. The bride's name is Moira, she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.
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