Humour from the UK

[frodi]

After eating a burger my throat was sore. The doctor said that it was a Lidl horse.

[frodi]

I went into Tesco's supermarket cafe today and ordered a burger. The girl asked if I wanted anything on it, so I bet a fiver each-way...

[frodi]

Now Tesco have removed all their burgers from the shelves, they recommend trying their meatballs instead; they really are the dog's bollocks.

[frodi]

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. 'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'

'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South!

[frodi]

I googled for "Missing medieval servant".

It said "Page could not be found".

[frodi]

BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

At the height of the gale, the harbour-master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8 ) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

[frodi]

A Roman walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I would like some vinum, please."

The bartender, not hearing correctly asks the roman to clarify.

"Vinum!" the Roman shouts angrily. "Vinum, Vini, Vino, Vinum, Vino, Vina, Vinorum, Vinis, Vina, Vinis!"

The bartender says, "Oh, I see."

Several minutes pass, during which the bartender does nothing.

"Where's my wine!" the Roman cries out angrily.

"What do you mean?" the bartender replies. "I thought I heard you decline it."

[frodi]

A Centurion walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.

"You mean a Martini?" says the bartender.

The Centurion replies: "If I'd wanted a double, I'd have asked for one!"

[frodi]

The other weekend I took a ferry trip from Portsmouth, just me, a sexy girl and a bottle of Nitrous Oxide.

We laughed all the way to France.

[frodi]

Bob and Harry met one day outside the pub.

Bob said, "Harry, do you like women who don't shave their legs?"

"No," replied Harry.

"Ok, do you like women who have saggy tits?"

"No," says Harry.

"Right, so do you like women who have a loose pussy?"

"Of course not," says Harry.

"So WHY are you f*****g my wife?!"

[frodi]

A mechanic noticed his colleague drinking brake fluid from the bottle.

"Hey mate," he says, "you can't drink that stuff!"

"Relax, it tastes good and I don't drink it that often," said the colleague.

"Yeah, but it's real bad for you, that stuff is poison!" replied the mechanic.

"Hey, back off!" said the colleague, getting angry. "It's my choice and I can stop any time I want!"

[frodi]

Little Johnny was at school when the teacher asked all the class what their fathers did for a living.

The usual range of answers was forthcoming , policeman, train driver, accountant, musician and so on, but little Johnny said nothing.

The teacher asked him directly, "Come on Johnny, what does your dad do?" Little Johnny hung his head and whispered, "He works as a stripper in a gay bar in Manchester and sometimes he brings men home with him at four in the morning".

The teacher quickly changed the subject and set the class some work to do. She took little Johnny outside and asked him if what he had said was true. "No" he replied " Actually he plays for Liverpool, but I was too ashamed to say so."

[frodi]

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said : 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Poof, a Liverpool supporter, and anything French!'

[frodi]

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

[frodi]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery,
but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his
blood in case the need arises.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be
found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as
appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds
& US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go
through a corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than
happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a
thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not
reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would
be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds
& money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a
box of Quality Street ."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie,
but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

[Gimpy]

Irish cop!




A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!


Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration,please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "

[Deleted]

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.

He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

[Deleted]

Recently a routine Gardai patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the Garda noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the Garda quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The Garda, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the Garda said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

[Deleted]

A woman went into a bar and asked for a double entendre so the Barman gave her one.

[Deleted]

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a 'Geordies Are Not Stupid' convention.
Alan Shearer addresses the crowd 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid.
Can I have a volunteer please?'

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Shearer asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?' After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, 'Eighteen!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then the Geordies start chanting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Shearer says 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.
So he asks 'What is 5 plus 5?' After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, 'Ninety?'

Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying.
But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!'

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says,

'What is 2 plus 2? 'Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream

'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!'

[Deleted]

Bloke goes to the doctors and says:

"Doctor I can't pronounce my F's or my TH's".

The doctor pauses for thought for a second and says:

"You can't say fairer than that then"

[Deleted]

A black cab driver picked up a Red Indian and his wife

When they reached the destination the Red Indian told the cabby, his
wife 'Five Horses' would pay the fare

The cabby said "that's an unusual name, why is she called Five Horses?"

The Red Indian turned around to the cabby and slowly said

Nag Nag Nag Nag Nag

[Deleted]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice “Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!”

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts “No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord.”

A bit ticked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. “No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord.”

Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage “OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!”

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing…
“A jazz chord to say I ruv you...”

[Deleted]

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday,
so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!

Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

[Deleted]

Chicken walks into a bar and says to man sat at bar, "Whats your name ?"

"Bond, James Bond. Whats your name ?"

"Ken, Chick Ken."

[Deleted]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and
bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still
have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After
the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not being too forward,
I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we
could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks
they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex
together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me
shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But
while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma
wullie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even
better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was
wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can
have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......
I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls
again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are
absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a
cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer
balls in one hand and yer willie in the other - does it
really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I
shlept with a scouser, she stole ma wallet!".

[Deleted]

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

"You were drunk again last night, weren't you?"

Flynn responded, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....

"...it's all the band-aids stuck on the mirror."

[Deleted]

My grand-daughter asked me to do an impression of a frog.

I tried, but it wasn't much good.

'I can do a horse, or a lion, or a pig, or a cow.' I said

'No grandad' she said 'it must be a frog.'

I asked 'Why does it have to be a frog ?'

She got excited and said 'Nanny said that when you croak we're all going to Disneyland.'

[Deleted]

I met a girl in a nightclub last weekend, and after a couple of drinks she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

[Deleted]

A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal.
"It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit!" said my wife.
"And Sir?" said the waiter. "How did you find the pork belly?"
"Oh, about six years ago, we met on holiday."