Humour from the UK

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In the recent attempts to evict Gypsies and Travellers from Dale Farm in the UK, it's been revealed that Police marksmen had to open fire.

Apparently they won a goldfish, a teddy and an inflatable plastic hammer!

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What's thick, loud and squeaky?




Liverpool.

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In the U.S. if you smoke 20 fags per day you're more likely to get AIDS than cancer...

What the fuck do they put in their tobacco?

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said:

"Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that some scouser stole our tent."

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Trying to keep Greece in the Euro is like going to real ale festival to sell a product called "I can't believe it's not bitter".

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Liverpool: The only place in the UK where grandmothers celebrate their 30th birthday.

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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP’s during a sitting of parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

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Just for Malcolm

A man in a London Tesco supermarket tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager 'Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Manchester, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Manchester?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Manchester.'

'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who did she play for?'

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A bunch of rough-looking motorcyclists are driving around for a bit when they see a girl standing on a bridge, ready to jump. They stop, and their leader, a big man with a huge beard, steps off his motorcycle, walks up to her and asks what she's doing.

"I'm committing suicide", she answers.

Because he doesn't want to be an insensitive bastard, and doesn't want to miss the opportunity, the man says: "Well then, what about a last kiss before you jump?"

She walks up to him and gives him a long lasting, passionate kiss.

When they are done the motorcyclist says: "Wow! That's the best kiss I've ever had! A real gift! I think you could even become famous with that! Why the hell are you jumping off that bridge?!"

"My parents don't want me to dress like a girl!!"

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I'm not saying my wife is fat, but we had to ask special permission to make her passport photo landscape.

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How do you put a cork back in a champagne bottle?


Ask a Man United fan.

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I approached a young lad sitting in the dentist's waiting room.

"Hi," I said, "I'm afraid it's bad news, I'm going to have to take a few of your teeth out."

"Oh no!" He replied, "You don't even look like a dentist."

"I'm not," I replied, "But you're wearing a Liverpool shirt."

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In Religious Education class in Glasgow:-

Wee Mary asks the teacher "Do angels fly?"
Wee Jimmy shouts out "Do they Fuck!"

"One question at a time", says the teacher.

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A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"





A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take that red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."


Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman..

Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day

Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!


Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.


An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.


A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job' .
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing’.
We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided.
The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'



Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disk.

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Baldrick: "What I want to know, Sir, is, before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs."

Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"

Baldrick: "Yes, Sir."
Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France , Belgium , Holland and Germany , and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain , Greece , Ireland , Italy and Portugal . They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises."

Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it Sir?"

Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan."

Baldrick: "What was that then, Sir?"

Blackadder: "It was utter b*llocks."

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Rain - Official supplier of Weather to the London Olympics!

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A friend of mine owns an allotment. A couple of weeks ago they went to visit it and found someone had spread 2" of soil on top of it.

Last night they found the same thing had happened again.

The plot thickens...

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I did it guys, I shagged Cheryl Cole yesterday and I'll tell you two things about her.
1. Her tits are false.
2. The staff at Madame Tussad's are a bunch of miserable twats.

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The Chinese Paralmpic 5-a-side team has been announced.

Sim Pul Twat
Won Lim Gon
Won Kee Eye
Fu Kin Mong
Andy Caroll

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How many G4S employees does it take to change a lightbulb?



Six soldiers and a policeman.

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Graham wrote:
A friend of mine owns an allotment. A couple of weeks ago they went to visit it and found someone had spread 2" of soil on top of it.

Last night they found the same thing had happened again.

The plot thickens...


An update to this:

Today a 6' hole has appeared in the allotment.

Police are looking into it.

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It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland" he says, "Fencing."

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Edinburgh fringe's 2012 - 10 funniest jokes - About 3,000 people voted for the joke, choosing from 30 which had been gathered by a panel of comedy critics and writers.

1) "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." – Stewart Francis

2) "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly." – Tim Vine

3) "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." – Will Marsh

4) "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case." – Rob Beckett

5) "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don't know Y." – Chris Turner

6) "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze." – Tim Vine

7) "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." – George Ryegold

8) "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" – Stewart Francis

9) "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad." – Lou Sanders

10) "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn't fancy her chances." – Nish Kumar

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Bill catches a taxi home one evening, the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when Bill complains the cabbie becomes abusive. Bill resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again.



A week later Bill goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.

He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the driver that he doesn’t have any cash but, if he takes him home he’ll give him a blow job.

The cab driver goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.

Bill now gets into the second cab and makes that driver the same proposition: a blow job for a lift home. The second driver also refuses and kicks him out.

So now Bill gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.

As the cab drives off Bill smiles at the first two drivers and gives a big thumbs up…

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An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar in Cardiff. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now,the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman.
"But it did happen to me sister."

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Police in Essex have warned people to stay indoors following the alleged sighting of a lion.

Turns out it was actually a snow leopard with hair extensions and fake suntan.

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Good medical advice!

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health,but its harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind & body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.

SO, REMEMBER ..





"FASTING" is good for health

And may the good Lord cleanse your dirty mind...!

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Police in Glasgow last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tons of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Clydebank.

Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said: "We're all shocked; we never knew we had a library."

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Oxygen and Potassium were on a date, it went OK until Nitrogen found out and said NO

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A Northerner decided to wash his sports shirt. He opened the washing machine then stopped, thinking for a minute.

He shouted to his missus, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Manchester United.”

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Apparently the new packaging for Beef Burgers sold in Ireland says "Warning, may contain Shergar"