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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:25:38 GMT -5
I lay in bed with the wife the other night and said "seeing your face reminds me of the lottery" she said "why, because I'm worth a million pounds to you?"
"No" I said "I wish you'd f*cking roll over!!"
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:25:51 GMT -5
People said I'd never get over my Phil Collins obsession.
But take a look at me now...
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:31:16 GMT -5
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, mallebale metal with an atomic number of 82.
I'm easily lead.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:31:37 GMT -5
I just bought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:32:10 GMT -5
1 inch - Are you taking the p1ss? 2 inch - I can't even hold it properly. 3 inch - Never been so unsatisfied in my life. 4 inch - I've had bigger. 5 inch - Good, but not enough! 6 inch - About right. 8 inch - perfect. 10 inch - It's hurting my insides. 12 inch - I'm absolutely destroyed.
How do you rate your Dominos pizza?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:32:42 GMT -5
A magician came up to me today and said, "Take a card, any card!".
So i reached into his pocket and took his credit card.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:33:01 GMT -5
A Chinese mate of mine passed away the other day, but not one person turned up for the funeral.....unbereavable.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:33:50 GMT -5
Due to my wheat allergy I can only count up to seven in french!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:34:14 GMT -5
I've just finished reading the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:34:34 GMT -5
Everyone can put on their curriculum vitae that they know a little Latin.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:35:04 GMT -5
an indian got beat up in his teepee
police have charged a man with wounding within tent
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:36:01 GMT -5
I picked up a fat chick wearing a tracksuit in my taxi and dropped her off at the park.
She jumped out and started jogging down the road beside me.
"You go girl!" I shouted with a wolf whistle. "You'll be losing those pounds before you know it."
"My ****g scarf's trapped in the door, you ****," she replied.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:36:35 GMT -5
BBC News : Capello admits England were lucky
Not sure about Capello's grasp of the English language.
But I imagine in the morning he walks past his wife, newspaper in hand, heading towards the bathroom while loosening his belt and says "I'm just off for a big, smelly lucky".
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:36:51 GMT -5
I asked my welsh mate how many sexual partners he d had . He started counting then he fell asleep!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:37:11 GMT -5
I used to love growing up with my dyslexic father. Everytime he heard me swear he used to wash my mouth out with soup!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:37:42 GMT -5
The Sun: 'Tory MP Touched My Breasts'
Think yourself lucky - he f*cked the rest of the country.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:38:04 GMT -5
Finally arise Sir Bruce Forsythe . Knight to see you to see you Knight .
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:38:27 GMT -5
Ryan Giggs is still a national hero in Wales at the moment. For the first time in living memory, jokes about a Welshman having sex don't involve sheep.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:38:55 GMT -5
I pulled up beside a prostitute earlier.
"Jump in," I winked.
"I charge £100!" She smiled, slamming the door behind her.
"Not tonight," I replied. "The child locks are on."
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:39:19 GMT -5
Apparently Alzheimer's is hereditary, both my mum and dad suffer from it now, which scares me because apparently Alzheimer's is hereditary.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:39:56 GMT -5
A policeman knocked on my door last night.
He said, "I'm afraid your wife has been involved in a serious accident."
I said, "You might want to knock next door mate."
"Oh" he said. "Are you not Mr Smith?"
I said, "Yes, but next door might actually give a ****."
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:40:13 GMT -5
what do you call a chinese woman with a food mixer on her head?
blenda
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:40:28 GMT -5
a bloke flashed 144 times
police charged him with gross indecency
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:41:00 GMT -5
Just won an argument with my wife about whether I could make a functioning bicycle from spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I rode pasta
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:41:30 GMT -5
I've decided to stop telling sexist jokes.
There far too complicated for women !
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:42:02 GMT -5
I took Shania Twain out on a date last night. I'm pretty smart, look like Brad Pitt, drive a car and work as a rocket scientist.
It didn't impress her much.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:42:18 GMT -5
You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:43:51 GMT -5
So, X-rated websites have been given the approval to have the XXX domain name?
Surely this is going to confuse the Americans when they are shopping for clothes online.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:44:09 GMT -5
How did I get out of Iraq?
Iran.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 22:46:12 GMT -5
Bakewell tart is not a pudding. It is a command!!
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