Sex, Sex ... and more Sex [MATURE]

[Deleted]

I walked out of a club with a girl last night.

She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my c*ck and said, "Yours or mine?"

I said, "That's mine."

[Deleted]

When I was out on a date with my girlfriend I asked her what she'd do if she found out that I was really a billionaire.

Without hesitating she replied, "Anal".

[Deleted]

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[Deleted]

Me and my mate were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography.

Unfortunately, my mothersaurus....

[Deleted]

As I stepped out of the cold shower this morning the Mrs laughed and told me that my penis closely resembled a tic-tac.

"If that's the case," I joked, "why does your sister still have bad breath?!"

[Deleted]

I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.

As we were making love I thought: "These taser guns are well worth the money"

[Deleted]

"Advice For Young Girlfriends"

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly and go out with his mates to play golf. Or
perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the pub for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his mates. Don't feel left out -- while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the flat, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a
list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is four inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his flat, or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

[Deleted]

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "'Cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now; If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop: one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

[Deleted]

There was a shoe sales man sitting in his store when a beautiful woman comes in. He looks at her and can't stop staring. While helping her try on a pair of shoes he glances up her skirt to find she isn't wearing any panties.

He started thinking and something slipped out. The man said "I'd like to fill your **** with ice cream and lick it all out!" Hearing this the woman runs out to tell her husband.

She says, "Honey, this shoe salesman said he'd like to fill my **** up with ice cream and lick it all out!" "Now go kick his ass!". The husband replied "Dear, anyone that can eat that much ice cream, I ain't f*cking' with!"

[frodi]

How do you call a redneck girl that can run faster than her brothers?.
A virgin

[Gimpy]

A guy walks up to a gorgeous woman in a bar and says, "You remind me of my pinkie toe."
She smiles and says, "Why, because I'm little and cute?"
He says, "No, because I'm gonna get drunk and bang you on the coffee table later."

[Gimpy]

As I slowly slipped my finger inside her hole,
I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I drew my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
I thought to myself,


"I really need a new fucking boat."

[MalcolmR]

[sandyi]

What do West Virginia's do for Halloween??

Pump-kins.

[davewally]

A little boy looked at his mom, and asked her "Momma, why am I black, and you are white?"
She looked at him, and replied "Hush, son. It was a wild party. Just be glad you don't bark".

[MalcolmR]

Why are so many archaeologists women?

Because they love digging up the past.

[MalcolmR]

What do you call a prostitute's kids?







Brothel sprouts.

[graham]

"Welcome to the Sunnyvale Horseracing Track, I'm your announcer Harry Lee. Before the race begins, lets have a look at the line up...
 
"In lane 1. Passionate Lady
"In lane 2. Bare Belly
"In lane 3. Silk Panties
"In lane 4. Conscience
"In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
"In lane 6. Clean Sheets
"In lane 7. Thighs
"In lane 8. Big Dick
"In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
"In lane 10. Merry Cherry

"THEY'RE OFF!!!

"Conscience is left behind at the gate. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.

"AT THE HALFWAY MARK: It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

"AT THE STRETCH: Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

"AT THE FINISH: It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head... Bare Belly shows... Thighs weakens... Heavy Bosom pulls up and Clean Sheets never had a chance."

[MalcolmR]

The stunning blonde from next door has just come round complaining about washing disappearing off her washing line. She threatened to call the police.

I nearly shit her pants.

[MalcolmR]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and
were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely
refuse to swallow the seamen.".

[MalcolmR]

My mate complained that his wife won't let him do anal. I told him I know how he feels.
His wife won't let me do it either.

[MalcolmR]

He nervously inserted a finger: it felt warm and wet.
"I'm gonna need more than that," she said.
Taking a breath, he then put in 3 fingers.
"Go on, get your whole hand in," she demanded.
He wanted to please her, so he did what she said: he was really sweating now.
"It's no good, you'll have to put both hands in".
He closed his eyes & thrust forward with his other hand & she let out a scream.
"There you go, it's not that fucking hard doing the washing up..!

[MalcolmR]

My mate Paddy was in the armed forces and taking his first parachute jump,he said "when I got to the door I couldn't jump". The huge instructor unzipped his fly and drops out 14" and says 'If you don't jump you're gonna get this right up your arse." I said, 'Did you jump?' He said, 'A bit, when it first went in.'

[MalcolmR]

Excellent news,I've just discovered Twitter - it's my girlfriend's sensitive area between her twat and her shitter.

[MalcolmR]

My brother was so mean when I was a child. He used to glue the pages of his porn magazines together so I couldn't look at them

[MalcolmR]

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

[Gimpy]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a milliondollars?" The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."

[MalcolmR]

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag in Scarborough".

[Gimpy]

FIVE INDISPUTABLE LIFE FACTS
1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
2. We all love to spend gobs of money buying new clothes but rarely stop to think some of the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks... PRICELESS!
4. Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Coors, Fosters, Pilsner and Budweiser. Men may state their preference but will grab whatever is handy.

[MalcolmR]

I went to a dance last night. They played The Twist, I did the the twist. They played Jump, I did the jump. They played Come On Eileen, and I got kicked out!