Sex, Sex ... and more Sex [MATURE]

[Gimpy]

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking on board. There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on-board who looks quite grim and downright frightened, and the man she is with is an old guy, probably 50 pounds overweight, who looks really intense and maybe a little dangerous."

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One ..."

[Gimpy]

A Harley rider walks into a pharmacy and asks to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman at the counter says she and her sister, a co-owner of the pharmacy, are the only pharmacists and there are no males employed there.

She then asks if she could help him.

The biker says that it is something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assures him that she is completely
professional, and what ever it is that he needs to discuss, he can be confident that she will treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The biker then agrees.

"OK," he says. "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ..... permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I am wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist says, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

When she returns, she says, "We discussed it at length, and the
absolute best we can do is this:

1/3 ownership in the shop."

[frodi]

Joshua is working as a manager for a beautiful and famous actress. One day he discovered that she had been selling her charming body at a hundred bucks a night.

Joshua, who had long lusted for her, hadn’t dreamed that she had been so easily accessible. Joshua approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted to make it with her.

Miss Charm agreed to stay with Joshua for all night long, but said he would have to pay her the same hundred bucks that the other clients did. Joshua scratched his head, thought about it, and then asked, “Don’t I even get my agent’s ten percent as a deduction?”

“No gentleman,” she said. “If you want it, you’re going to have to pay full price for it, just like the other customers.”

Joshua didn’t like that at all, but he agreed.

That night, beautiful celebrity came to his apartment after her performance at the movie set. Joshua did what he wanted to do her at midnight, after turning out all the lights room was pitch-black.

At 2 A.M., she was awakened again. Again she was vigorously done. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love to again. The actress was impressed with her lover’s vitality.

“My goodness,” she whispered in the dark, “You are so powerful. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my manager.”

“I’m not your agent, lady,” a foreign voice answered. “He’s at the door selling tickets.”

[glennfrommars]

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. (Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it).

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied,
"so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

[Bomber]

A man comes home from work to find that his girlfriend has packed her bags & is about to leave. He begs her to stay & asks why is she leaving him.

"I just found out that you're a pedophile" she screams.

"Whoa, hold on a minute", he says. "Isn't that a mighty big word for an 10 year old to use?"

[Gimpy]

An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door. She says to him: "Hey Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"

He says: "No thank you. That is no longer possible for me."

It was a slow night, so the hooker says: "Oh, come on, what have we got to lose; let's give it a try."

So, they both go inside and he acts like the young man he used to be.

"Oh my goodness," says the hooker breathlessly afterward, "I thought you said sex was no longer possible for you."

Says the old man: "Oh, my body is still highly capable; it's the paying that is no longer possible."

[graham]

A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

"Hmm, damn thing's an hour fast."

[graham]

Guy: I’m coming over

Girl: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed over

[graham]

A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read:

*** "FREE SEX w/fill-up ... just guess the right number between 1 & 10.” ***

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his FREE SEX.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his FREE SEX.

The redneck guessed ‘8’. The proprietor said, "You were close. The number was ‘7’. Sorry, but no FREE SEX this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along w/his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his FREE SEX.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed ‘2’ this time.

The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was ‘3’. You were close, but no FREE SEX this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away FREE SEX."

Bubba replied, "No. it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

[MalcolmR]

I wouldnt buy Ukrainian boxer shorts , Chernobyl fall out

[graham]

Her: Do you want to come upstairs...?

Him: Sure!

Her: Do you have protection?

Him: Wh-why? What's up there...?!

[MalcolmR]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

[MalcolmR]

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all die. They all arrive at heaven wanting to enter the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it"..

[MalcolmR]

I used to be an aresehole, but I've moved forward.

Now I'm a twat.

[MalcolmR]

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY LACW PAM AYRES, WRAF(Rtd)
The missus bought a Paperback,
From Skipton Market day,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!

[MalcolmR]

Went to a brothel last night and said how much for anal?

She said "Sixty quid"

"SIXTY FKN QUID?" I said "That's way too expensive, think i'll leave it"

"Tight Arse!" She said....

"OH! ...Go on then" I said.....

[graham]

My teacher asked me how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently 1080p full HD wasn't the answer..

[frodi]

A mother inlaw said to her sons wife when the baby was born
"I don't mean to be rude but he doesnt look anything like my son".
The daughter inlaw lifted her skirt and said "I don't mean to be rude either but this is a fanny not a fucking photo copier!"

[graham]

9 months from now there will be a baby boom.

13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as

Quarenteens.

[MalcolmR]

I was telling a girl in a bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

[MalcolmR]

Two couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Dave says to John......
I wonder how the girls are getting on?

[MalcolmR]

What is the difference between a woman and a cow?

A cow can stand in water up to her tits without getting her fanny wet.

[MalcolmR]

My girlfriend broke up with me and told all her friends that I was rubbish in bed.

You should have seen her face when they all disagreed.

[MalcolmR]

[Bomber]

Maxie and Sarah were married and after the wedding they got to their hotel room and in the heat of the moment they literally tore each other’s clothes off and made passionate love for the first time. While doing so Maxie notices that every time he pushes himself into Sarah her toes curl up and when he pulls out her toes would go down. In - up,
out -down. This kept happening. Afterwards amidst the after glow while they each smoked a cigarette, Maxie asked Sarah, “Sweet heart, I know this is all new to me, but I have one question. Why is it it every time I go in your toes curl up and when I pull out your toes go down?”
To which Sarah replied, “Next time Maxie darling, let me take off my pantyhose first”

[MalcolmR]

"And that's the second year in a row that Serena Williams has been unseeded."

"You know, if she just tried a bit harder, a bit of lipstick and a nice bra".

[Bomber]

Through unfortunate circumstances Shirley became a prostitute, but under no circumstances did she want her dear granny to know.
One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and unfortunately Shirley was among them.
The police took them all outside to do preliminary processing and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.
Suddenly Shirley’s granny came walking by and saw her.
"Shirley, Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked.
Not willing to let her granny know the truth, Shirley told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.
"Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the granny who went to the end of the line.
A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes.
When he got to granny he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
granny replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"

[Bomber]

Three friends decide to go to a brothel. They pick out a gorgeous blond and she makes a deal. She will take care of them one at a time, but they have to pay $10 per inch. The first friend goes into her room, comes out in 10 minutes and the others want to know how much he paid. "I paid $60". The next friend goes in and 20 minutes later comes out bragging "I paid $80". The third friend goes in & comes out in a half-hour. The other two want to know what he paid. He says "I paid $10". The friends start laughing at that, but the third friend says "I idiots paid going in, I paid coming out!"

[Bomber]

A man comes home one evening with a black eye & a bloody nose. His wife asks what happened.

"I got into a fight with the building super. He said he's had sex with every woman in the building, except one"

His wife said "Ha! Must be that stuck-up bitch on the second floor!"

[Bomber]

A Jewish mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
Nooo so what are you doing Sarale?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, " Mama - I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, " Abba - I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"So Chaim what are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."