Sex, Sex ... and more Sex [MATURE]

[Bomber]

Arnold Palmer, the famous golfer, and his wife get divorced. Soon after, she marries Mr. Goldberg. On their wedding night, the newlyweds go to the honeymoon suite where they have passionate sex. Afterwards, Goldberg reaches over for the phone. His new missus asks, “What are you doing?”
“I thought I’d call room service to bring up some champagne and caviar,” he says.
“Well, Arnie wouldn’t do that.”
“What would Arnie do?”
“Arnie would make love to me again,” she says wistfully.
So Goldberg figures he needs to measure up, and they have sex again. Afterward, he reaches over for the phone.
“What are you doing?”, she asks.
“Well, now I thought I’d call for some champagne and caviar.”
“But Arnie wouldn’t do that.”
“What would Arnie do?”
“Arnie would make love to me yet again,” she says longingly.
So, Goldberg tiredly pleasures her — again. Afterward, he reaches over for the phone.
“What are you doing,” she asks again.
Goldberg says, “I’m calling Arnie. I want to find out what’s par for this hole.”

[Bomber]

The three rich Jewish men were in the Rabbi's office with their wives to their status on becoming "contributing" members of the synagogue with their "$100,000 donations.
The Rabbi said "You must each refrain from sex for one month to be welcome in our synagogue. "
So the couples returned a month later and they were all sitting in the office.
The Rabbi asked the first couple in their 60's..."So tell me then, how did it go with this month of abstaining?"
The husband said..."Well it was rough but we managed."
"Welcom to our synague" said the Rabbi.
To the second couple in their 40's..."And for you, all is well?
The husband said "The last week was rough but there were cold showers and we made it."
"Congratulations and welcome to our synagogue." said the Rabbi.
The Rabbi spoke to the third couple in their 30's who were both looking at the floor. "So how did your month of abstaining go?"
"It could have been better..." said the husband, not looking up from the floor. "In the last week the wife was up on a ladder...and well...I just lost it."
"Oy you are not welcome in our synogogue" said the Rabbi.
The wife spoke quietly..."we are not welcome in Home Depot either."
T

[MalcolmR]

Three young women, discussing their boyfriends.
"It’s funny” says the first lass "Pete’s balls are always cold as ice when I’m sucking his cock …”
"Weird” says the second lass "it’s the same with my Nick” she turns to the third girl saying "What about you Suzy, when you blow Dave, are his balls cold?”
"Eugh” says Suzy "that’s disgusting. I’d never put Dave’s pee pee in my mouth!”
"You’re crazy” laughed both girls "A good blow job is one of the best ways to keep your man in line. You should try it!”
A couple of days later, they meet at the cafe for coffee. The blow job novice is sporting a nasty shiner.
"Yep … that bastard Dave smacked me last night night as I was sucking him off. You and your advice … I threw the bastard out!”
"Oh Christ, we’re so sorry. What happened?”
"I dunno” says Suzy "All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were warm, when Pete and Nicks are always so cold!!

[Bomber]

Jack and Sarah have been going together for a year. They were both quite prudish and were saving themselves for when they would marry.
Jack decided to propose to Sarah, but prior to her acceptance, Sarah had to confess to Jack about her childhood illness. She informed Jack that she suffered from a rare disease that left her breasts at the maturity level of a 12 year old. Jack in a understanding manner stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem I must confess as well, said Jack. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married.” Sarah looked into Jack’s baby blue eyes and lovingly said , “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sarah and Jack got married and they could not wait to consummate their marriage. Jack whisked Sarah off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing and holding one another. As Sarah put her hands in Jack’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room. Jack ran after her to find out what was wrong. Emotionally distraught, Sarah said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is” replied Jack, “8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”

[Bomber]

A guy meets a girl at a Singles Bar. After some enjoyable conversation the girl invites him back to her nearby apartment for a night cap.
After a few drinks the guy takes of his shirt and washes his hands. A few more drinks and he removes his trousers and immediately washes his hands once again.
The girl has observed this and says...I bet you must be a dentist. He says ..why yes I am, how did you know that? She tells him it was because he washed his hands so frequently.
A little while later, while laying in bed together, she says to him ...I'll bet you are a really great dentist".
Quite pleased he replies ..."Yes I believe so, but why did you say that?"
And she replied...."Because I didn't feel a thing"!...

[Bomber]

Sam took his date that he met on Tinder, to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Shelly, asked Sam. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Sam again asked Shelly what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Sam lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Sam figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the date, "How'd it go?" Shelly responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[Bomber]

Rachael had a small vegetable garden in her back yard and all of her various veggies were maturing normally but for her green tomatoes. They refused to turn from green to red 🍅.
She looks across her fence and sees that her neighbor's Ginsberg's tomatoes, bought and planted at the same time were all turning red. She asks him: Why are mine still green and your are now all red?
He replies, I don't know, but I have a crazy idea. I understand that tomatoes can see in the dark, so tonight after midnight go into your garden wearing only your nightgown and "flash" the tomatoes. They will probably turn red from embarressment. So what to you have to lose? Give it a try.
The next afternoon, Ginsberg asks her if she could see any difference in her garden?
She replies: "No, not with the tomatoes but my cucumbers planted right next to them, have all suddenly grown an additional 4" in length".

[Bomber]

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"
She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub."
He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

[Bomber]

A young man was nervously pacing back and forth in the maternity ward waiting room. A middle-aged man was also waiting, and picked up on the young man's anxiety. "What's bothering you?" asked the middle-aged man. The young man said, "My wife is in the delivery room. We're expecting our first child and I'm out of my mind with worry." The middle-aged man assuredly put his hand on the young man's shoulder. "There's nothing to worry about. I know whereof I speak. My wife is in the next room about to deliver our 14th child." The young man could hardly believe it. "Fourteenth child. Wow! Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" The middle-aged man said, "I don't mind at all. Ask anything you want." The young man leaned close to the middle-aged man's ear and whispered, "How soon after your wife gives birth can you start having sex again?" Without hesitation, the middle-aged man said, "Let me ask you a question. Does your wife have a private room?"

[Bomber]

Cindy a young bride approached her awaiting husband, Sam, on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc. Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive. Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

[Bomber]

Subject: a Sensuous wife ......
> >
> >
> >
> > After a delicious dinner and a few drinks Dora leads John into the
> > bedroom. With a very seductive voice the wife asked her husband, "Have you
> >ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?
> >
> > "No," said her husband
> >
> > She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her
> > blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky
> > push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
> >
> > He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
> >
> > She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
> >
> > "Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
> >
> > She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively
> > reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty
> > Dollar bill.
> >
> > He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little
> > quicker with anticipation
> >
> > "Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
> >
> > "No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited,
> > to which she replied
> >
> > "Go look in the garage....,"
> >

[Bomber]

Murray and Ruth were visiting their son and daughter in law overnight.

During his visit to the bathroom he finds a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet. Murray asks his son, Mark, about the Viagra and asks his son, “should I take one?” Mark says “I don’t think you should take one, Dad, they’re very strong and very expensive. “How much,” ask Murray

“$10 a pill” answered the son. “I don’t care” said Murray “I still would like to try one.” And before we leave in the morning, I’ll leave the money under the pillow.

Later the next morning, the son finds $110 under the pillow. He calls his Dad and says “I told you it was $10 a pill, not $110”

“I know” said Murray “the $100 is from your mother.”

[MalcolmR]

A Warrant Officer walks into a whore house and says to the Madame, ‘How much would it be for the pleasure of my company this evening?’

Madame looks him up and down and says, ‘Fifty quid.’

‘Fifty quid?’ replies the WO, ‘That's very reasonable...COMPANY....BY THE LEFT QUICK MARCH. Left, Right, Left, Right...’

[frodi]

A prostitute, a stripper and a donkey walk into a bar.
This isn't a joke, it's just one of my fantasies.

[Bomber]

A man comes home from work to find his wife in bed with his best friend. After throwing her out, he turns to his friend, shakes his finger at him, and says "Bad dog!"