Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2014 5:38:53 GMT -5
Please tell me if I didn't do this right. I'm just C/Ping straight from the "rint View" sceen at the old place, in 3 separate posts (encompassing each page--any graphic/pics will be lost)
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:50 am ]
A man takes his girl out. On the way home he stops five miles out of town and tells her he wants to fuck her. She refuses to put out so he . . . puts her out.
She walks back. The next night they go back out again. This time, though, he has the presence of mind to go out of town *15* miles before he stops the car and again tells her he wants to fuck her. She declines. Once again, she's put out of the car, and treks 15 long miles back home.
Third night (you see a pattern here?) they're out. 30 miles away from home he stops the car. "I wanna fuck you."
But this time she gives in. Rather enthusiastically, to tell you the truth.
After the humping and pumping, he asks her why she gave in finally.
She replies, "Look, for a friend, I'd walk five miles. I'd even walk fifteen miles. But there's no way on earth I'd walk thirty miles EVEN to save a *friend* of mine from a case of Herpes!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:51 am ]
Guy goes to see a doctor because of a pain in his groin.
Doctor: Describe your problem to me, please.
Guy: Well, first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is shag my wife. I carpool to work with the lady next door, and she gives me a hummer on the way in. At my 9 AM break, I always meet one of my co-workers in the copy room and we have a quickie. At lunch, my secretary and I always find some
secluded spot and do the horizontal mambo. On the way
home, my neighbor always gives me another servicing. After supper, I usually do my wife right on the kitchen table.
Doctor: Well, what seems to be the trouble?
Guy: It hurts when I masturbate.
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:52 am ]
Three cowboys were sitting around the bar, drinking beer and shootin' the shit. They were all bragging about how tough they were, and this led them to a bizarre contest. One of the men called the waitress, a busty brunette, over and handed her a knife. He slapped his hand up on the bar.
"Cut off my finger.", he demmanded. The barmaid was bewildered, but cut off his finger. The cowboy held up his hand with a bloody stump and said, "Now that's tough."
The second cowboy thought for a moment, then slapped his arm up on the bar.
"Cut off my hand.", he told the barmaid. She looked at him as if he were crazy, but hacked off his hand. The second cowboy held up his bloody stump of an arm and cried, "Now *THAT* is tough!"
The third cowboy stood up and whipped his dick out, slapping it down on the bar.
"Oh no, you don't want me to cut that off do you?", the barmaid asked, staring.
"No honey, I want you to suck it off."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:52 am ]
The Top 10 Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School
10. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet.
9. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks.
8. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger.
7. You only get disciplined during sex if you want to.
6. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink.
5. Sex relieves stress, school is the cause of stress.
4. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.
3. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.
2. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.
And the Number 1 reason why sex is better than school is.........
1. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless!!!
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:52 am ]
An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is attracted to
him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures 'in for a penny in for a pound' - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and
sits in the corner. Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention.
She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne.
"So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne."
"Glen Iris" he says.
"That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"
"Cameo street" he says."
"This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.
"You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"
"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:52 am ]
A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem:
"When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.
When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake up my mother!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:53 am ]
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and I Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and I Irish woman
One month later, the following things have occurred:
*One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
*The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
*The two German men have a strict weekly schedule as to when they alternate with the German woman.
*The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
*The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
*The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
*The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
*The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for
instructions.
*The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both "bloody wankers".
*Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
*The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and set up a distillery. After the first few litres of coconut whisky they do not remember if sex is in the picture, but they are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any.
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:53 am ]
Post subject:
A depressed young woman from Manhattan was so desperate
that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded. What did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was
discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" he asked.
"I had an arrangement with one of the sailors," she
explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and every night he came and screwed me."
"He sure did, lady," said the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:53 am ]
Post subject:
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and said, “I’m sorry. I thought you were wife. You look exactly like her.â€
“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!†she screamed.
“Funny,†he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:53 am ]
Orgasm Types
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex with the needy = Poorgasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Predictable sex = Boregasms
While passed out = Floorgasms
On top of a Christmas package = Bowgasms
In a bakery = Doughgasms
While under a hairdryer = Blowgasms
Selfish Sex= I got mine, you get yourgasms
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:53 am ]
After Making Love...
The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above da bed in ecstasy"
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure escstacy"
The redneck says, "That ain't nothing buddy. When I've finished doin it to the ole lady, I git out of bed, walks over to the winder and wipe my pecker on the curtains. She hits the freakin ceiling!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:53 am ]
Post subject:
One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness.
Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a
tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair....... heart stopping.
The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing drags him from his machine onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
Right, you Jimmy he shouts, Ah want you to masturbate,
But...... stammers the driver.
Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yer!
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn't take him long.
Right snarls the highlander Du it again!
But..... says the driver.
Now!
So the driver does it again.
Right laddie, du it again demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
Du it again says the highlander.
I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me, whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside.
All right laddie, he says, NOW you can give ma daughter a lift to Inverness.
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:53 am ]
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:54 am ]
Can't come to work
Hung Chow: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."
The boss says: "You know Hung Chow I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:54 am ]
A Bears Fan is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread ,butter & jelly, when a Packer Fan, chewing gum sits down next to him. The Bears Fan ignores the Packer Fan, who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Packer Fan: "You Chicago folk eat the whole bread?"
Bears Fan: " Of course!"
Packer Fan: (after blowing a large bubble) "We don't in Wisconsin, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Chicago." The Packer Fan has a smirk on his face. The Bears Fan listens in silence.
The Packer Fan persists. "Do you eat jelly with the bread?"
Bears Fan: "Of course!"
Packer Fan: (cracking his gum between his teeth & chuckling) "We don't. In Wisconsin we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and jelly and sell it to Chicago."
The Bears Fan then asks, "Do you have sex in Wisconsin?"
Packer Fan: "Why of course we do", he says with a smirk.
Bears Fan: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Packer Fan: "We throw them away, of course?"
Bears Fan: "We don't. In Chicago, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to Wisconsin
Did you know... Captain Hook died from jock itch.
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:54 am ]
Little Jonny is having a bath with Mom
he looks down at her pussy and says "Mom whats that?"
Feeling a little uncomfortable she replies "Thats Mommys sponge"
a couple of days later Jonny comes home from school and asks
Mom, "Mom can I have another look at your sponge?"
A little bit shocked she tell s him she has lost her sponge and
is not quite sure were it is
A few hours have passed when jonny races in out of breathe and Yells
"Mom,Ive found your sponge!"
"Where" she asks," did you find it"
"The lady next door has it and shes using it to wash Daddys face!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:54 am ]
TOP TEN TIPS FOR ANAL PLAY
10. Don't use Valvoline as a lube, unless you are going to be buttfucking at high speeds.
9. Anal fisting is difficult, anal fisting while holding maracas is VERY difficult.
8. Don't insert objects unless they are easily retrieved or you don't need them much.
7. Repeated/prolonged anal play can result in a loss of senistivity. A quick application of #120 grit sandpaper will restore it. You are over-sensitive when you can sit on a Lifesaver and determine the flavor.
6. Air introduced to the rectum results in flatulence -- insert a penny whistle or duck call to turn the inevitable into entertainment.
5. Count your toys, and locate wallet and car keys before leaving the room.
4. Methane is inflammable. "Polaris Missile Launch" is NOT a safe game.
3. Do not slice vegetables prior to insertion unless you want to play "Piggy Bank".
2. Enemas with various fluids can be fun, but note that grape Kool-aid will give your butthole a purple mustache.
1. "Don't put that in your mouth, you DO know where it's been!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:54 am ]
Have you heard about the new brothel in Las Vegas that caters to "small" men?
It's called "Tweezer's Palace".
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:54 am ]
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. Hedecides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:54 am ]
One day little Johnny went up to his father and asked 'Dad, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?' The father thought for a moment, and replied 'OK. I think you're old enough. Come upstairs with me and I'll show you'. So they go upstairs, and in the parents' bedroom there is Js mummy, fast asleep on the bed, laying on her back stark naked. 'Now look carefully, son, that's a pussy' said Dad, pointing at the luxuriant bush. 'Wow, Dad, can I stroke the pussy?' asked Johnny. 'No' says Dad, 'you'll wake the cunt up!'
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:54 am ]
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of nipples and say, "Scooby dooby doobies .. I want bigger boobies"
She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby doobies .. I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" "Hickory dickory dock."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:55 am ]
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, when the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:55 am ]
15 rules for cheating on your woman Learn it. Live it.
15 Helpful Hints
1. Never let the bitch take ANY pictures of you. Ever. (You could wind up in your wife's email)
2. Get a vasectomy. The bitch can't pull the "I'm pregnant... & it's yours" routine.
3. Don't send the cunt email. It can be used as proof.
4. Don't on-line chat (i.e. messenger, icq, etc) .... these can be saved and or printed.
5. Do NOT send love letters, cards, or ANY correspondence in your handwriting.
6. Never write anything down... no signatures or dates.
7. When picking up the tab for dinner/lunch before/after fucking her, USE CASH.
8. Keep NO records.
9. Change & unlist your home number.
10. Don't give her your pager # .
11. Don't share ANY relevant personal information, ... family, work, etc.
12. If you have to give her money, give her cash.
13. NEVER agree to meet her friends.
14. Try & make sure you are not being followed/observed. Be elusive.
15. Get call display & get private #/ID blocking turned off.
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:55 am ]
Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.
"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."
Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"
"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell. "
"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.
"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"
"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.
"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.
"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.
Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:55 am ]
A man was in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down.
This went on for a while until his wife stuck her head out of the front door and yelled, "You need more tail!"
The father yelled back, "Fuck You, I told you yesterday that I needed more tail,... and you told me to go fly a kite!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:55 am ]
Q. What do you call a person who pours acid on his dick?
A. A fucking idiot."
If you are sending someone styrofoam what the hell would you pack it in?"
College is like a woman You work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
Procrastination is like masturbation. You're only fucking yourself.
You know it's going to be a tough day when....Your wife wakes up feeling amorous, and YOU have a headache!
What's the definition of an overbite?
When you're eating pussy and it taste like shit.
In the old days young women would put something behind their ears to attract a man. Then it was perfume now, it's their legs.
Gene and Joan are on the brink of divorce and decides to go visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what is the problem. Joan responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?" Gene replies, " Well not exactly, it's she that suffers, not me."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:55 am ]
Post subject:
Q. How can you tell the porno star at the gas station?
A. Just as the gas starts up the hose, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays the gas all over the car.
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:55 am ]
A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband. Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where she hasn't had a good shag for over a year and is considering divorce.
After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home. When he staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at him, he coos "baby, get upstairs to the bedroom". she can't believe it - at last he's going to give her one. They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "now darling do a hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall".
"Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY. I like it." She does the hand-stand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin between her legs right on her muff.
"The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a Goatee WOULD suit me!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:56 am ]
THE BEVERLY HILLS BOBBITS
Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with his little wanker gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.
Penis, that is.
Clean cut.
Missed his nuts.
Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his
side,
And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
Tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.
Curve, that is.
Tossed the nub.
In the shrub.
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
They called out the hounds just to get his weenie
back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over
there"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.
Found, that is.
By a fence.
Evidence.
Now peter and John couldn't stay apart for long,
So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!"
"A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need"
And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny
pee'd.
Whizzed, that is.
Straight stream.
Even seam.
Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to
court,
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up
short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on
tape.
Video, that is.
Unexposed.
Case Closed.
Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now , ya hear?
?
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:56 am ]
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear."Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:56 am ]
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars (after they have accumulated enough frequent flier miles). Here, they meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, laptop computers, how do they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you two do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do." the Martian responds.
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap for the night and experience one another's styles!
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the male strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie...about half an inch long and a quarter inch think.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen!
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his unit grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."
"No problem,"he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his unit grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman!
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made very mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go on their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful! How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:56 am ]
The: Flight Attendant
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:56 am ]
Post subject:
The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee.
"Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively.
"And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:56 am ]
Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.
"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"
"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."
About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.
"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.
"I took your advice."
Didn't you compliment her?"
"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After awhile I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."
"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.
"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."
"What did you say?"
"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:56 am ]
It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer." The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed, and replied , "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:56 am ]
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:56 am ]
5 Kinds of Sex
1.The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2.The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3.The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4.The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
5.There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the room...
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:57 am ]
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:57 am ]
Little Billy and Little Johnny were in the school yard one day. Billy was showing Johnny his new Rolex. Johnny asked, "How did you get a new Rolex?"
Billy replied, "My sister's boyfriend gave it to me."
"Why did he do that?" asked Johnny.
"I walked in on him and my sister having sex and he gave me his watch if I would leave."
Little Johnny goes home and sure enough, his parents are going at it in the bedroom. Johnny walks into the bedroom and stands there. His dad looks up and says, "What do you want?"
Johnny says, "I wanna watch."
Dad says, "Fine. Stand over there in the corner and be quiet."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:57 am ]
A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
She replies, "Ours is prettier."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:57 am ]
Tarzan comes home from work swings into the treehouse on his vine and lands in his favorite chair jane greets him with a cold glass of jungle juice and a kiss.
Tarzan looks down at the river bank to see his 15 children splashing around in the shallows.
Suddenly the water erupts with a roar and a 20ft crocodile grabs one of his kids and dissappers back into the water.
"Jane!.......did you see that .....a croc has taken one of our kids!!!!", tarzan yells.
Jane say,"thats OK Tarzan,come into the bedroom and we can make another one"
So off they go to make love all night.
Tarzan comes home from work the next day swings into the treehouse on his vine and lands in his favorite chair, jane greets him with a cold glass of jungle juice and a kiss.
Tarzan looks down at the river bank to see his 14 children splashing around in the shallows.
Suddenly the water erupts with a roar and a 20ft crocodile grabs another one of his kids and dissapears back into the water.
"Jane!.......did you see that .....a croc has taken another one of our kids!!!!", tarzan yells.
Jane say,"thats OK Tarzan,come into the bedroom and we can make another one"
So off they go to make love all night.
Tarzan comes home from work the next day swings into the treehouse on his vine and lands in his favorite chair, jane greets him with a cold glass of jungle juice and a kiss.
Tarzan looks down at the river bank to see his 13 children splashing around in the shallows.
Suddenly the water erupts with a roar and a 20ft crocodile grabs anpther one of his kids and dissappers back into the water.
"Jane!.......did you see that .....a croc has taken another one of our kids!!!!", tarzan yells.
Jane say,"thats OK Tarzan,come into the bedroom and we can make another one"
So off they go to make love all night.
Tarzan comes home from work the next day swings into the treehouse on his vine and lands in his favorite chair, jane greets him with a cold glass of jungle juice and a kiss.
Tarzan looks down at the river bank to see his 12 children splashing around in the shallows.
Suddenly the water erupts with a roar and a 20ft crocodile grabs anpther one of his kids and dissappers back into the water.
This time hes had a bad day and goes off
I FUCKEN CANT TAKE THIS BULLSHIT ANYMORE................I WORK MY BALLS OFF ALL DAY,COME HOME AND SCREW YOU ALL NIGHT ...........JUST TO FEED THE CROCS!!!!
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:57 am ]
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis." "So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the key-hole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the business- man.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $700 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:57 am ]
A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter,
'Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent.'
The chemist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with the label Viagra Extra Strength and says, 'If you take this, you'll go mental for 12 hours.'
Very happy and excited, the man says, 'Gimme three boxes.'
The next day the man walks into the same chemist's shop, right up to the same chemist and pulls down his pants. The chemist looks in horror as he notices the man's cock is swollen, black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.
The man says, 'Gimme a tube of Deep Heat.'
The chemist replies, 'Deep Heat? You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?'
The man says, 'No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up.'
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:58 am ]
After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married.
On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room.
Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."
He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:58 am ]
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.
'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!'
The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:58 am ]
This couls have fitted in a number of categories but I guess here will do
Perfect Day for Her
0815 Wakeup to cuddles and kisses
0830 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
0845 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
0915 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
1000 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
1030 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
1200 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1245 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs
1300 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
1500 Nap
1600 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
1615 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
1730 Pick out outfit for dinner, prim before the mirror
1930 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
2200 Hot shower (alone)
2230 Make love
2300 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
2315 Fall asleep in his big strong arms
Perfect Day for Him
0600 Alarm
0615 Blowjob
0630 Massive dump while reading sports pages.
0700 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
0730 Limo arrives
0745 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
0815 Private Concorde to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ)
0930 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
0945 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
1145 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
1215 Blowjob
1230 Back nine Augusta (4 under)
1415 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
1430 Private Concorde, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
1515 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
1630 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)
1700 Concorde back to Leeds/Bradford airport., massage & hand job enroute by naked Jenni McCarthy
1845 Shit, shower and shave
1900 Watch CNN newsflash: Bush resigns and is replaced by Ray Owens; Cherie and Tony Blair farm animal video released and authenticated.
1930 Quality Curry with six mates in Elland Road Executive box, Leeds thrash Man U 8-0. Beckham sent off in first minute for changing hairstyle too often. Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz.
2100 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
2130 Sex with three women
2300 Massage and Jacuzzi
2345 Bed (alone)
2350 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room
2355 Sleep
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:58 am ]
:
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance.
Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE DISHES.
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:58 am ]
Jimmy and Johnny are playing in the sandbox one day and Johnny asks Jimmy a perplexing question...."What's a penis?"
Jimmy isn't sure of the answer. Johnny says "Well, your Dad is rather smart. Why don't you ask him tonight?"
Jimmy gets home and, after dinner, approaches his dad with this perplexing question..."Dad, what's a Penis".
Daddy says "Lemme show you, son".
Jimmy and Daddy disappear into the bathroom and Dad drops his pants. He points to his penis and explains "Son...this is a penis. As a matter of fact, this is a PERFECT penis.". Jimmy understands.
The next day in the sandbox Johnny asks if Jimmy has the answer. Jimmy says sure....step over here behind these bushes.
When they step behind the bushes, Jimmy drops his pants. He points and tells Johnny "This is a penis. As a matter of fact, if it were 2 inches shorter, it would be a PERFECT penis."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:58 am ]
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her
17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you swallow?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.
"I swallow! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:59 am ]
There was a very unusual hospital where one of the main treatments was that the nurses would take the male patients home and sleep with them. But there was one patient, Rob, no one wanted to take him home. He was a small man, and he had tattooed on his penis the word SHORTY.
Well, finally, Valerie, feels sorry for him and takes him home and sleeps with him. She comes back to work the next day smiling. The other nurses ask what she could possibly be so happy about after sleeping with a guy with SHORTY written on his penis.
"Yes," replies Valerie, "but when he becomes aroused, it says, SHORTY'S RESTAURANT AND PIZZERIA."
"Wow!" they say.
"ORDERS TO TAKE OUT," Valerie continues. "ALL BAKING DONE ON PREMISES...ESTABLISHED 1922...PARTIES ARE OUR SPECIALTY."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:50 am ]
A man takes his girl out. On the way home he stops five miles out of town and tells her he wants to fuck her. She refuses to put out so he . . . puts her out.
She walks back. The next night they go back out again. This time, though, he has the presence of mind to go out of town *15* miles before he stops the car and again tells her he wants to fuck her. She declines. Once again, she's put out of the car, and treks 15 long miles back home.
Third night (you see a pattern here?) they're out. 30 miles away from home he stops the car. "I wanna fuck you."
But this time she gives in. Rather enthusiastically, to tell you the truth.
After the humping and pumping, he asks her why she gave in finally.
She replies, "Look, for a friend, I'd walk five miles. I'd even walk fifteen miles. But there's no way on earth I'd walk thirty miles EVEN to save a *friend* of mine from a case of Herpes!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:51 am ]
Guy goes to see a doctor because of a pain in his groin.
Doctor: Describe your problem to me, please.
Guy: Well, first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is shag my wife. I carpool to work with the lady next door, and she gives me a hummer on the way in. At my 9 AM break, I always meet one of my co-workers in the copy room and we have a quickie. At lunch, my secretary and I always find some
secluded spot and do the horizontal mambo. On the way
home, my neighbor always gives me another servicing. After supper, I usually do my wife right on the kitchen table.
Doctor: Well, what seems to be the trouble?
Guy: It hurts when I masturbate.
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:52 am ]
Three cowboys were sitting around the bar, drinking beer and shootin' the shit. They were all bragging about how tough they were, and this led them to a bizarre contest. One of the men called the waitress, a busty brunette, over and handed her a knife. He slapped his hand up on the bar.
"Cut off my finger.", he demmanded. The barmaid was bewildered, but cut off his finger. The cowboy held up his hand with a bloody stump and said, "Now that's tough."
The second cowboy thought for a moment, then slapped his arm up on the bar.
"Cut off my hand.", he told the barmaid. She looked at him as if he were crazy, but hacked off his hand. The second cowboy held up his bloody stump of an arm and cried, "Now *THAT* is tough!"
The third cowboy stood up and whipped his dick out, slapping it down on the bar.
"Oh no, you don't want me to cut that off do you?", the barmaid asked, staring.
"No honey, I want you to suck it off."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:52 am ]
The Top 10 Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School
10. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet.
9. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks.
8. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger.
7. You only get disciplined during sex if you want to.
6. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink.
5. Sex relieves stress, school is the cause of stress.
4. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.
3. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.
2. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.
And the Number 1 reason why sex is better than school is.........
1. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless!!!
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:52 am ]
An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is attracted to
him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures 'in for a penny in for a pound' - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and
sits in the corner. Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention.
She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne.
"So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne."
"Glen Iris" he says.
"That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"
"Cameo street" he says."
"This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.
"You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"
"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:52 am ]
A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem:
"When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.
When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake up my mother!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:53 am ]
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and I Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and I Irish woman
One month later, the following things have occurred:
*One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
*The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
*The two German men have a strict weekly schedule as to when they alternate with the German woman.
*The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
*The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
*The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
*The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
*The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for
instructions.
*The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both "bloody wankers".
*Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
*The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and set up a distillery. After the first few litres of coconut whisky they do not remember if sex is in the picture, but they are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any.
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:53 am ]
Post subject:
A depressed young woman from Manhattan was so desperate
that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded. What did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was
discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" he asked.
"I had an arrangement with one of the sailors," she
explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and every night he came and screwed me."
"He sure did, lady," said the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:53 am ]
Post subject:
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and said, “I’m sorry. I thought you were wife. You look exactly like her.â€
“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!†she screamed.
“Funny,†he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:53 am ]
Orgasm Types
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex with the needy = Poorgasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Predictable sex = Boregasms
While passed out = Floorgasms
On top of a Christmas package = Bowgasms
In a bakery = Doughgasms
While under a hairdryer = Blowgasms
Selfish Sex= I got mine, you get yourgasms
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:53 am ]
After Making Love...
The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above da bed in ecstasy"
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure escstacy"
The redneck says, "That ain't nothing buddy. When I've finished doin it to the ole lady, I git out of bed, walks over to the winder and wipe my pecker on the curtains. She hits the freakin ceiling!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:53 am ]
Post subject:
One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness.
Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a
tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair....... heart stopping.
The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing drags him from his machine onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
Right, you Jimmy he shouts, Ah want you to masturbate,
But...... stammers the driver.
Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yer!
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn't take him long.
Right snarls the highlander Du it again!
But..... says the driver.
Now!
So the driver does it again.
Right laddie, du it again demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
Du it again says the highlander.
I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me, whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside.
All right laddie, he says, NOW you can give ma daughter a lift to Inverness.
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:53 am ]
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:54 am ]
Can't come to work
Hung Chow: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."
The boss says: "You know Hung Chow I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:54 am ]
A Bears Fan is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread ,butter & jelly, when a Packer Fan, chewing gum sits down next to him. The Bears Fan ignores the Packer Fan, who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Packer Fan: "You Chicago folk eat the whole bread?"
Bears Fan: " Of course!"
Packer Fan: (after blowing a large bubble) "We don't in Wisconsin, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Chicago." The Packer Fan has a smirk on his face. The Bears Fan listens in silence.
The Packer Fan persists. "Do you eat jelly with the bread?"
Bears Fan: "Of course!"
Packer Fan: (cracking his gum between his teeth & chuckling) "We don't. In Wisconsin we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and jelly and sell it to Chicago."
The Bears Fan then asks, "Do you have sex in Wisconsin?"
Packer Fan: "Why of course we do", he says with a smirk.
Bears Fan: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Packer Fan: "We throw them away, of course?"
Bears Fan: "We don't. In Chicago, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to Wisconsin
Did you know... Captain Hook died from jock itch.
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:54 am ]
Little Jonny is having a bath with Mom
he looks down at her pussy and says "Mom whats that?"
Feeling a little uncomfortable she replies "Thats Mommys sponge"
a couple of days later Jonny comes home from school and asks
Mom, "Mom can I have another look at your sponge?"
A little bit shocked she tell s him she has lost her sponge and
is not quite sure were it is
A few hours have passed when jonny races in out of breathe and Yells
"Mom,Ive found your sponge!"
"Where" she asks," did you find it"
"The lady next door has it and shes using it to wash Daddys face!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:54 am ]
TOP TEN TIPS FOR ANAL PLAY
10. Don't use Valvoline as a lube, unless you are going to be buttfucking at high speeds.
9. Anal fisting is difficult, anal fisting while holding maracas is VERY difficult.
8. Don't insert objects unless they are easily retrieved or you don't need them much.
7. Repeated/prolonged anal play can result in a loss of senistivity. A quick application of #120 grit sandpaper will restore it. You are over-sensitive when you can sit on a Lifesaver and determine the flavor.
6. Air introduced to the rectum results in flatulence -- insert a penny whistle or duck call to turn the inevitable into entertainment.
5. Count your toys, and locate wallet and car keys before leaving the room.
4. Methane is inflammable. "Polaris Missile Launch" is NOT a safe game.
3. Do not slice vegetables prior to insertion unless you want to play "Piggy Bank".
2. Enemas with various fluids can be fun, but note that grape Kool-aid will give your butthole a purple mustache.
1. "Don't put that in your mouth, you DO know where it's been!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:54 am ]
Have you heard about the new brothel in Las Vegas that caters to "small" men?
It's called "Tweezer's Palace".
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:54 am ]
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. Hedecides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:54 am ]
One day little Johnny went up to his father and asked 'Dad, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?' The father thought for a moment, and replied 'OK. I think you're old enough. Come upstairs with me and I'll show you'. So they go upstairs, and in the parents' bedroom there is Js mummy, fast asleep on the bed, laying on her back stark naked. 'Now look carefully, son, that's a pussy' said Dad, pointing at the luxuriant bush. 'Wow, Dad, can I stroke the pussy?' asked Johnny. 'No' says Dad, 'you'll wake the cunt up!'
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:54 am ]
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of nipples and say, "Scooby dooby doobies .. I want bigger boobies"
She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby doobies .. I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" Why, yes, I do. How did you know?" "Hickory dickory dock."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:55 am ]
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, when the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:55 am ]
15 rules for cheating on your woman Learn it. Live it.
15 Helpful Hints
1. Never let the bitch take ANY pictures of you. Ever. (You could wind up in your wife's email)
2. Get a vasectomy. The bitch can't pull the "I'm pregnant... & it's yours" routine.
3. Don't send the cunt email. It can be used as proof.
4. Don't on-line chat (i.e. messenger, icq, etc) .... these can be saved and or printed.
5. Do NOT send love letters, cards, or ANY correspondence in your handwriting.
6. Never write anything down... no signatures or dates.
7. When picking up the tab for dinner/lunch before/after fucking her, USE CASH.
8. Keep NO records.
9. Change & unlist your home number.
10. Don't give her your pager # .
11. Don't share ANY relevant personal information, ... family, work, etc.
12. If you have to give her money, give her cash.
13. NEVER agree to meet her friends.
14. Try & make sure you are not being followed/observed. Be elusive.
15. Get call display & get private #/ID blocking turned off.
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:55 am ]
Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.
"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."
Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"
"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell. "
"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.
"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"
"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.
"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.
"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.
Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:55 am ]
A man was in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down.
This went on for a while until his wife stuck her head out of the front door and yelled, "You need more tail!"
The father yelled back, "Fuck You, I told you yesterday that I needed more tail,... and you told me to go fly a kite!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:55 am ]
Q. What do you call a person who pours acid on his dick?
A. A fucking idiot."
If you are sending someone styrofoam what the hell would you pack it in?"
College is like a woman You work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
Procrastination is like masturbation. You're only fucking yourself.
You know it's going to be a tough day when....Your wife wakes up feeling amorous, and YOU have a headache!
What's the definition of an overbite?
When you're eating pussy and it taste like shit.
In the old days young women would put something behind their ears to attract a man. Then it was perfume now, it's their legs.
Gene and Joan are on the brink of divorce and decides to go visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what is the problem. Joan responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?" Gene replies, " Well not exactly, it's she that suffers, not me."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:55 am ]
Post subject:
Q. How can you tell the porno star at the gas station?
A. Just as the gas starts up the hose, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays the gas all over the car.
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:55 am ]
A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband. Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where she hasn't had a good shag for over a year and is considering divorce.
After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home. When he staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at him, he coos "baby, get upstairs to the bedroom". she can't believe it - at last he's going to give her one. They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "now darling do a hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall".
"Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY. I like it." She does the hand-stand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin between her legs right on her muff.
"The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a Goatee WOULD suit me!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:56 am ]
THE BEVERLY HILLS BOBBITS
Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with his little wanker gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.
Penis, that is.
Clean cut.
Missed his nuts.
Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his
side,
And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
Tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.
Curve, that is.
Tossed the nub.
In the shrub.
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
They called out the hounds just to get his weenie
back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over
there"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.
Found, that is.
By a fence.
Evidence.
Now peter and John couldn't stay apart for long,
So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!"
"A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need"
And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny
pee'd.
Whizzed, that is.
Straight stream.
Even seam.
Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to
court,
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up
short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on
tape.
Video, that is.
Unexposed.
Case Closed.
Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now , ya hear?
?Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:56 am ]
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear."Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:56 am ]
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars (after they have accumulated enough frequent flier miles). Here, they meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, laptop computers, how do they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you two do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do." the Martian responds.
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap for the night and experience one another's styles!
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the male strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie...about half an inch long and a quarter inch think.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen!
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his unit grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."
"No problem,"he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his unit grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman!
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made very mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go on their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful! How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:56 am ]
The: Flight Attendant
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:56 am ]
Post subject:
The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee.
"Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively.
"And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:56 am ]
Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.
"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"
"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."
About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.
"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.
"I took your advice."
Didn't you compliment her?"
"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After awhile I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."
"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.
"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."
"What did you say?"
"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:56 am ]
It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer." The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed, and replied , "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:56 am ]
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:56 am ]
5 Kinds of Sex
1.The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2.The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3.The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4.The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
5.There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the room...
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:57 am ]
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:57 am ]
Little Billy and Little Johnny were in the school yard one day. Billy was showing Johnny his new Rolex. Johnny asked, "How did you get a new Rolex?"
Billy replied, "My sister's boyfriend gave it to me."
"Why did he do that?" asked Johnny.
"I walked in on him and my sister having sex and he gave me his watch if I would leave."
Little Johnny goes home and sure enough, his parents are going at it in the bedroom. Johnny walks into the bedroom and stands there. His dad looks up and says, "What do you want?"
Johnny says, "I wanna watch."
Dad says, "Fine. Stand over there in the corner and be quiet."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:57 am ]
A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
She replies, "Ours is prettier."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:57 am ]
Tarzan comes home from work swings into the treehouse on his vine and lands in his favorite chair jane greets him with a cold glass of jungle juice and a kiss.
Tarzan looks down at the river bank to see his 15 children splashing around in the shallows.
Suddenly the water erupts with a roar and a 20ft crocodile grabs one of his kids and dissappers back into the water.
"Jane!.......did you see that .....a croc has taken one of our kids!!!!", tarzan yells.
Jane say,"thats OK Tarzan,come into the bedroom and we can make another one"
So off they go to make love all night.
Tarzan comes home from work the next day swings into the treehouse on his vine and lands in his favorite chair, jane greets him with a cold glass of jungle juice and a kiss.
Tarzan looks down at the river bank to see his 14 children splashing around in the shallows.
Suddenly the water erupts with a roar and a 20ft crocodile grabs another one of his kids and dissapears back into the water.
"Jane!.......did you see that .....a croc has taken another one of our kids!!!!", tarzan yells.
Jane say,"thats OK Tarzan,come into the bedroom and we can make another one"
So off they go to make love all night.
Tarzan comes home from work the next day swings into the treehouse on his vine and lands in his favorite chair, jane greets him with a cold glass of jungle juice and a kiss.
Tarzan looks down at the river bank to see his 13 children splashing around in the shallows.
Suddenly the water erupts with a roar and a 20ft crocodile grabs anpther one of his kids and dissappers back into the water.
"Jane!.......did you see that .....a croc has taken another one of our kids!!!!", tarzan yells.
Jane say,"thats OK Tarzan,come into the bedroom and we can make another one"
So off they go to make love all night.
Tarzan comes home from work the next day swings into the treehouse on his vine and lands in his favorite chair, jane greets him with a cold glass of jungle juice and a kiss.
Tarzan looks down at the river bank to see his 12 children splashing around in the shallows.
Suddenly the water erupts with a roar and a 20ft crocodile grabs anpther one of his kids and dissappers back into the water.
This time hes had a bad day and goes off
I FUCKEN CANT TAKE THIS BULLSHIT ANYMORE................I WORK MY BALLS OFF ALL DAY,COME HOME AND SCREW YOU ALL NIGHT ...........JUST TO FEED THE CROCS!!!!
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:57 am ]
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis." "So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the key-hole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the business- man.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $700 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:57 am ]
A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter,
'Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent.'
The chemist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with the label Viagra Extra Strength and says, 'If you take this, you'll go mental for 12 hours.'
Very happy and excited, the man says, 'Gimme three boxes.'
The next day the man walks into the same chemist's shop, right up to the same chemist and pulls down his pants. The chemist looks in horror as he notices the man's cock is swollen, black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.
The man says, 'Gimme a tube of Deep Heat.'
The chemist replies, 'Deep Heat? You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?'
The man says, 'No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up.'
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:58 am ]
After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married.
On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room.
Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."
He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:58 am ]
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.
'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!'
The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:58 am ]
This couls have fitted in a number of categories but I guess here will do
Perfect Day for Her
0815 Wakeup to cuddles and kisses
0830 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
0845 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
0915 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
1000 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
1030 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
1200 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1245 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs
1300 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
1500 Nap
1600 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
1615 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
1730 Pick out outfit for dinner, prim before the mirror
1930 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
2200 Hot shower (alone)
2230 Make love
2300 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
2315 Fall asleep in his big strong arms
Perfect Day for Him
0600 Alarm
0615 Blowjob
0630 Massive dump while reading sports pages.
0700 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
0730 Limo arrives
0745 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
0815 Private Concorde to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ)
0930 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
0945 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
1145 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
1215 Blowjob
1230 Back nine Augusta (4 under)
1415 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
1430 Private Concorde, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
1515 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
1630 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)
1700 Concorde back to Leeds/Bradford airport., massage & hand job enroute by naked Jenni McCarthy
1845 Shit, shower and shave
1900 Watch CNN newsflash: Bush resigns and is replaced by Ray Owens; Cherie and Tony Blair farm animal video released and authenticated.
1930 Quality Curry with six mates in Elland Road Executive box, Leeds thrash Man U 8-0. Beckham sent off in first minute for changing hairstyle too often. Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz.
2100 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
2130 Sex with three women
2300 Massage and Jacuzzi
2345 Bed (alone)
2350 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room
2355 Sleep
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:58 am ]
:
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance.
Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE DISHES.
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:58 am ]
Jimmy and Johnny are playing in the sandbox one day and Johnny asks Jimmy a perplexing question...."What's a penis?"
Jimmy isn't sure of the answer. Johnny says "Well, your Dad is rather smart. Why don't you ask him tonight?"
Jimmy gets home and, after dinner, approaches his dad with this perplexing question..."Dad, what's a Penis".
Daddy says "Lemme show you, son".
Jimmy and Daddy disappear into the bathroom and Dad drops his pants. He points to his penis and explains "Son...this is a penis. As a matter of fact, this is a PERFECT penis.". Jimmy understands.
The next day in the sandbox Johnny asks if Jimmy has the answer. Jimmy says sure....step over here behind these bushes.
When they step behind the bushes, Jimmy drops his pants. He points and tells Johnny "This is a penis. As a matter of fact, if it were 2 inches shorter, it would be a PERFECT penis."
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:58 am ]
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her
17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you swallow?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.
"I swallow! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
Author: Ray [ Thu May 01, 2008 5:59 am ]
There was a very unusual hospital where one of the main treatments was that the nurses would take the male patients home and sleep with them. But there was one patient, Rob, no one wanted to take him home. He was a small man, and he had tattooed on his penis the word SHORTY.
Well, finally, Valerie, feels sorry for him and takes him home and sleeps with him. She comes back to work the next day smiling. The other nurses ask what she could possibly be so happy about after sleeping with a guy with SHORTY written on his penis.
"Yes," replies Valerie, "but when he becomes aroused, it says, SHORTY'S RESTAURANT AND PIZZERIA."
"Wow!" they say.
"ORDERS TO TAKE OUT," Valerie continues. "ALL BAKING DONE ON PREMISES...ESTABLISHED 1922...PARTIES ARE OUR SPECIALTY."
