The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE]

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Marcie on Nov. 22 2005,05:29
Knowing Your Wife

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.

Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Gimpy on Nov. 24 2005,18:15
Guts or Balls?


We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Mac on Jan. 08 2006,11:57
Top 10 reasons men like a gun better than a woman.

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when
you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will
probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun
for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of
ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1. You can buy a silencer for a gun.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Gimpy on Jan. 18 2006,18:34
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by scottswoodshop on Jan. 28 2006,20:32
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit .."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by JerryH on Feb. 07 2006,05:42
A man complained about having had two unhappy marriages. His first wife divorced him, and his second wife wouldn't.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by JerryH on Feb. 07 2006,05:43
The marriage contract is like a Mafia deal -- " 'til death do us part." Even AA is one day at a time.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by JerryH on Feb. 07 2006,05:45
If you marry for love, your condition can be cured.

Therefore, iit's smarter to marry for money, as long as you remember the first rule: Get the money up front, because rich people never keep last year's model.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by JerryH on Feb. 10 2006,12:20
How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?



Who knows? They never get the house anyway....

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Gimpy on Feb. 19 2006,18:31
I don't understand. After the last child was born,
she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I
had to give up drinking beer.

I was not a big beer drinker,maybe a 12 pack on
the weekends. Anyway,I gave it up,but I noticed
the other day she came home from grocery shopping
and when i looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup.
I said, "wait a minute,I've given up beer and you haven't
given up anything"!
She said," I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty
for you." I told her, " HELL that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back..

[MalcolmR]

Posted by JerryH on Mar. 08 2006,11:51
"How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife.

"Just fine, until I asked the bride if she would obey, and she said, 'Do you think I'm nuts?'. Then the groom said, 'I do' and things really began to happen fast."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Gimpy on Mar. 19 2006,19:04
A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour
and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi,
and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon."

"Who?"

"Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab
being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for
Sheldon every single time."

"Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over
everybody", stated the passenger.

"Not Sheldon," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could
have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He
sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome
and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than
Arnold in his prime. He was something!

"Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy," the
cabbie continued. "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with.
He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole
neighborhood blacks out."

"Wow, incredible , no wonder you remember him!" said the passenger.

"Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the cabbie.

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the passenger.

"After he died, I married his wife."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Graham on April 13 2006,06:05
While watching a baseball game a couple nights ago, my wife and I were discussing life and death.

I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Dan on April 21 2006,17:28
My Favorite Things To Do

Here's a list of my favorite things to do..... well, there's sex, you can have sex, sexual intercourse, a quickie, consummate a marriage, couple, copulate, coddle, or commit the act of procreation. You could be making whoopee, making love, love making, scrogging, slapping skin, or sweating to the oldies. You could sleep with someone, sleep together, sleep around, fool around, whore around, screw around, or just screw, shag, shank, score, fornicate, fork, pork, pump, poke, plank, pound, boff bonk, bop, bone bang, or boink. you could be dancing between the sheets, doing the horizontal bop, the horizontal mambo, the prone boogie, or even the hunka-chunka. You could be humping, bumping, humping and bumping, bumping uglies, the ol' bump and grind, or making the two backed beast. You could play doctor, hide the salami, hide the sausage, because dammit, it's the most fun you can have with your clothes off. You could break in a new mattress, or give the old one a workout. You could be squeaking the springs, annoying the neighbors, or making a big mistake. You could get them in the sack, get little action, get a little nookie, get a piece of tail, get a piece of ass, get it on, get some, get frisky, get lucky, get laid, get all hot and sticky, or just get it wet, and, i'm not making this up, get a little sticky steak up in this bitch. You could be mounted, mounting, rutting, breeding, starting a family, pulling the train, slamming the stack. Two for me, none for you. Not going anywhere for a while? You could turn a trick, or take pity on the poor bastard and give it away. Happy hammering, hammer, nail, sow your wild oats, lose your virginity, or induce pregnancy the old fashioned way. Take a roll in the hay, a trip to the tunnel of love, or a trip to paradise if you're taking the scenic route. Hit a home run, hit the twizzer, knock boots, tap that ass, shoplift the pootie, plunder the booty, count the ceiling tiles, ruin a friendship, or close the scroat. Do the wild thing, do it, doing it, doing the nasty, the nasty, the old in-out in-out, dip the wick, dip the stick (or if you're with a moron you could stick the dip). Wet the noodle, check the oil, check the temperature, give her the pork sword injection, or the hot beef injection, depending on your religion. Or perhaps even commit assault with a vein laden meat pipe (that's my favorite) You could give in, give it up, go for it, go for the gold, go for the gusto, go for broke, or even go all the way, after all, it is the fastest way to the top. You could engage in a fluid transfer, relieve some tension, relieve some pressure, or experience a hormonal episode. it's a labor of love, hanky panky, and as a friend of mine once said "the noblest of all causes" or....you could just FUCK

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Nan on May 18 2006,05:08
A South African loses a leg in a gold mine accident.

"I'm f**k*d now" he says "Who'd want a one-legged gold digger?"

"Me" said Paul McCartney...

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Gimpy on July 21 2006,00:39
Mr. Steinberg's physician finished his examination and said, "Sol, I'm happy to say that you're completely healthy, with the heart function of a fifteen-year-old."


Mr. Steinberg went home and told his wife, "Doris, the doctor says my heart is in great shape. Tonight, we're going to have wild, passionate sex!"


Doris said, "Are you sure, Sol? At your age? I'd never forgive myself if you died while we're doing it. But if your doctor wrote a note verifying that everything is okay, well, then... maybe."


Mr. Steinberg was dejected and the next day he was back in his doctor's office.


His doctor told him, "Sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write you a note. Let's see, 'My patient, Sol Steinberg, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old and can have wild, passionate sex any time he so desires. Signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.' Now, how do you want it addressed? What's your wife's name?"


"Uh ... Doc, just make it 'To Whom It May Concern'."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by RickMc on Aug. 14 2006,04:49
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one man said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other man replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong woman!"

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" His father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was the man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, women would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Men will never be equal to women until they can walk down the street with their hair in curlers, their feet in slippers, and their bellies overhanging their pants and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

The best thing about the battle between the sexes is often the sex between the battles. -- Dr. Mardy Grothe

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Mac on Sep. 26 2006,16:33
Jimmy had a habit of blaming his lateness and postponing of household chores because of problems with his motorcycle. His wife was getting fed up with the routine.

One day Jimmy was riding back from a leisurely ride in the U.P. in Michigan. Shortly after he crossed the mighty mac bridge he ran over a skunk. When he got near Houghton Lake he decided to take old US-27. Unfortunately, he tailgated a farm truck and rear ended it. Manure fell on top of the old boy. But the bike was okay! And that is all that is important!

Determined to get home, Jimmy got back on his iron steed and continued on. Rounding a curve, Jimmy's bike slipped on some wet leaves and he left the road. He valiantly tried to control the bike and went right into a huge pile of glass clippings a suburbanite was about to burn. The bike went down and Jimmy was covered with grass. After assuring the homeowner (the bike was okay) that he was alright, he got on the bike again.

Jimmy's bad luck streak never seemed to end. Shortly after that a semi transporting cosmetics pulled in front of him. Both he and the driver slammed on their brakes. Lipstick and mascara packages came flying out of the truck and smeared Jimmy's face.

Finally, he arrived home. He pulled his bike into the garage, sighed at his relief to be home, and then his wife stormed out into the garage. She yelled, "You're late again! What's your BS story this time?"

Jimmy said, "Baby, I have had the most terrible day and I just want to relax." His wife looked at the grass clippings on his clothes, lipstick on his face, and smelled the "aroma" he exuded.

She said, "Don't give me any excuses buster. I can tell you've been doing yardwork for that floozy at work who uses too much perfume and cheating on me with her!"

His wife's lawyer was a pro and she got the house in the divorce settlement.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Graham on Oct. 11 2006,16:33
A father is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realises that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a gift so he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie.

Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.

The girl responds: "Which one? We have:
Gymnasium Barbie: $19.95
Volleyball Barbie: $19.95
Shopping Barbie: $19.95
Surfer Barbie: $19.95
Disco Barbie: $19.95
and Divorced Barbie: $299.95

Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $299.95 when all the other Barbies are $19.95?"

"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's jewelry, Ken's money, Ken's computer, and Ken's best friend..."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by April Ann on Nov. 16 2006,16:56
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss. I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Nan on Nov. 21 2006,11:17
A respectable-looking lady walked into the chemists went straight up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist looked shocked and exclaimed, "Hell fire! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of nasty things will happen! Absolutely lot! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Graham on Dec. 03 2006,13:33
I asked my wife what she wanted for Xmas.

She said "A divorce!"

So I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Graham on Dec. 24 2006,06:07
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat
together, it was the husband who was always behind the wheel
operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in
an emergency. So one day out on the lake he suddenly said to his
wife,

"Ok honey, this is a drill. Pretend that I am having a heart
attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."

She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled
down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where
her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him,
grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to
him,

"OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a heart attack.
You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Graham on June 05 2007,17:06
Came upon an Indian who called his wife "3 horse'.

So, I asked the chief: why do you call your wife "3 horse" ?

He replied: Old Indian name, means "Nag, nag, nag!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Foxes on June 13 2007,13:48
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband. "It is 3 o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push!"

"Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello. Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Graham on Aug. 16 2007,15:29
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository ......it's up to you!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Graham on Feb. 07 2008,04:17
On their wedding night the husband stood in front of his blushing, white clad bride in the bedroom and dropped his trousers.

"Do you know what this is?" he asked her.

She giggled and said "Yes, it's a wee-wee!"

The husband said: "Well you can call it that, but from now on I want you to call it a cock."

"Oh no," she replied, "cocks are twelve inches long and black".

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Graham on Feb. 22 2008,09:26
Before marriage, read from the top downwards...

Boy: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: NO! Don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course! Over and over!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: NO! Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get!
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!

After marriage, read from bottom upwards!

[MalcolmR]

Posted by JerryH on Feb. 27 2008,22:56
Jim and Donna have been married for almost forty years.

Whenever anyone asks Jim how he's stayed married for so long, he claims that he and Donna are extremely compatible - they both enjoy arguing.

He says they have come to an agreement on one thing: He doesn't try to run her life, and he doesn't try to run his.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Graham on Mar. 09 2008,10:39
"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says,

"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***












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"Swimming pool? Is this 6228 5731...?