The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE]

[Bomber]

Harry, an efficiency expert, at the end of one of his lectures cautioned his audience. "Please don't try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" shouted Jacob from the audience.
Harry explained: "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years. She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table, and cupboards, often carrying just a single item at a time. One day I suggested to her, 'Darling, why don't you try carrying several things at once? It's more efficient.'"
“Well? Did it end up saving time?" Jacob asked.
"Actually, in a way, yes," replied Harry resignedly. "It used to take her twenty minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”

[MalcolmR]

In a restaurant a man is approached by a waiter.
"Good Evening, Sir. Are you ready to order?"
The man says, "I'm sorry, I'm afraid my wife is in the toilet".
The waiter, keen to get a move on, asks "Do you know what she's having, sir?"
"Well", says the man "She's been gone ten minutes, so it's probably a shit".

[Bomber]

A Jewish couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three children, all very successful, agreed to a special dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad," gushed son number one as he arrives... "Sorry I'm running late, I had an emergency, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you both a present."

"Not to worry," said the dad. "The important thing is that we're all here together for this occasion."

Son number two arrived and announced: "You and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."

"It's nothing," said the father. "Glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! Oy, I'm SO sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said. "I really don't care, at least the five of us are all together tonight, just like the good old days."

After they had all finished the meal, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you. There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a very long time. You see, we were once very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much....we just never found the time to get married.'

The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the dad. "And cheap ones too."

[Bomber]

There was a man named Schumacher who got a new job. His co-workers always met for a round of golf every Sunday. They asked Schumacher to meet them at 9.00 A.M. Sunday morning. Schumacher replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.

On Sunday morning Schumacher was there at exactly 9:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.

Next Sunday rolls around, and Schumacher says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next weeks, with Schumacher always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.

His co-workers are getting tired of this and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ”Hey Schumi, every Sunday you say you may be 10 minutes late. You never be late. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?”

Schumacher replies, ”Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Sunday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left-handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.”

”Well,” one of his friends asked, ”What happens if she is laying on her back?” Schumacher answers, ”Then I am 10 minutes late.”

[graham]

A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says...

“See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”

[Bomber]

A man buys a robot that slaps people when they tell a lie.

He decides to test it on his family at dinner that night.

The man asked his son, "what did you do after school today?"

The son replied, "Oh, I just did some homework" and the robot slapped the son.

The son said, "Okay I actually watched a movie with my friends".

The father asked, "What was the movie?"

The son said, "Star Wars, Episode 5". The robot slapped the son.
The son stammered "Okay it was Deep inside Linda Lovelace".

The father laughed, "Hah, I would never watch movies like that". The robot slapped the dad.

The mom laughed, "He certainly is your son". The robot slapped the mom.

[frodi]

Love is a Splendored Thing! A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying,
"I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me". Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note...After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone...
"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...
"I can see your feet. We're out of bread: be back in five minutes."