graham
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Post by graham on Sept 8, 2018 16:20:47 GMT -5
My wife is upset because I had “I Love You” tattoo’d on my penis.
Apparently it’s typical of me, always trying to put words in her mouth.
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graham
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Post by graham on Nov 11, 2018 20:24:13 GMT -5
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise and made her upset
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
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Gimpy
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Post by Gimpy on Nov 21, 2018 11:15:22 GMT -5
Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol . This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words: "While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my husband's knee cap was all it took.... The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible.
Don’t you just love stories with happy endings?
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graham
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Posts: 4,151
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Post by graham on May 27, 2019 8:19:46 GMT -5
"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said wife as I was checking my ticket.
"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my bike," I replied.
"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.
"My point exactly."
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MalcolmR
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Keeping the world turning.
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Post by MalcolmR on Jun 11, 2019 12:58:48 GMT -5
In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house, my wife walked up to me and said, "I'll make you a deal... you go outside and cut the hedges, and I'll shave my pussy."
"Don't be stupid" I replied "We can't both use the hedge trimmer at once."
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graham
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Posts: 4,151
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Post by graham on Jun 13, 2019 15:32:56 GMT -5
A woman phones her mother in law and says "Can you tell me, if a child poops itself, who should change it, the mother or the father?"
"It's always the mother, dear" comes the reply.
"Ok, in which case can you come over here because your son has got drunk and sh*t himself!"
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Jun 26, 2019 11:33:04 GMT -5
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, " God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.." The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Jun 26, 2019 14:57:36 GMT -5
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And that's when the fight started!
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Jul 5, 2019 12:23:18 GMT -5
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely. Since then I have got a dog, bought a motorbike, shagged two hookers and spent nearly a grand on booze and drugs. She'll go fucking mental when she gets back from work.
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graham
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Post by graham on Jul 6, 2019 5:06:02 GMT -5
"What's the problem, Constable? Releasing birds at a wedding is romantic."
"You released ostriches, Sir..."
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,151
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Post by graham on Aug 30, 2019 3:20:25 GMT -5
Husband: My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall?
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been jeans, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She actually went on my motorbike...
Sergeant: What kind of bike was it?
Husband: It was my brand new Red Honda Fireblade CBR1000RR 2019 YM Bore × Stroke (mm) 76 x 55 Carburation PGM-DSFI Compression Ratio 0.5423611111111112 C02 Emissions (g/km) 132 Engine Displacement (cc) 999cc Engine Type (cm³) Liquid-cooled 4-stroke 16-valve DOHC Inline-4 Max. Power Output 141kW/13,000rpm Max. Torque 114Nm/11,000rpm Oil Capacity (Litres) 3.4 L Starter Electric Wheels Suspension Front Telescopic inverted fork with an inner tube diameter of 43 mm, and a Big Piston Front Fork with preload, compression and rebound adjustment, 120mm stroke Suspension Rear Unit Pro-Link with gas-charged HMAS damper featuring 10-step preload and stepless compression and rebound damping adjustment, 138.2mm stroke. Rear Balance Free Rear Cushion with preload, compression and rebound adjustment, 62mm stroke. Tyres Front 120/70ZR17 58W Tyre Size Rear 190/50ZR17 73W Wheels Front 17 inch Wheels Rear 17 inch Dimensions and Weights Battery Capacity (VAh) 12V-7AH(Li-ion) Caster Angle 23°20’ Dimensions (L×W×H) (mm) 2,065mm x 720mm x 1125mm Frame type Diamond; aluminium composite twin spar Fuel Tank Capacity (Litres) 16L Ground Clearance (mm) 130mm Kerb Weight (kg) 196kg Seat Height (mm) 832mm Trail (mm) 96mm Wheelbase (mm) 1405mm Transmission Clutch Wet, multiplate with diaphragm spring with assist slipper Final Drive Chain Gearbox 6-speed Instruments and Electrics Headlight LED Instruments TFT-LCD Tail Light LED (sobbing).
Sergeant: Don't worry mate. We'll find your bike.
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graham
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Posts: 4,151
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Post by graham on Jan 7, 2020 19:56:11 GMT -5
I made a graph showing my past relationships
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Jan 13, 2020 7:59:12 GMT -5
I saw an old school mate yesterday.. he was bragging about how big his house was and many cars he had... then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend and said "Look, she's stunning isn't she?"
I said "If you think she's stunning, you should see my girlfriend". He said "Why, is she a stunner as well?"
I said "No, she's an optician".
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MalcolmR
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Post by MalcolmR on Mar 5, 2020 11:12:55 GMT -5
"I'm going to have to get a divorce. I can't stand it any longer. My wife is out, every night, past midnight, just going from bar to bar".
"Why, what's she doing?"
"Looking for me".
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graham
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Posts: 4,151
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Post by graham on Mar 12, 2020 7:47:18 GMT -5
My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to get married.
I said "Yes.
"When I meet the right person."
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graham
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Posts: 4,151
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Post by graham on Apr 6, 2020 16:14:02 GMT -5
After a row with my wife she stomped off to her room.
About an hour or so later she called out: "Honey, have you ever had a pain in your chest like someone's sticking a voodoo needle into you?"
Worried, I said "No."
"How about now...?"
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,151
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Post by graham on Apr 9, 2020 10:27:20 GMT -5
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name...
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,151
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Post by graham on Apr 18, 2020 16:55:04 GMT -5
Apropos of the extended end of the Lockdown:
"Where's your husband?"
"In the garden."
"I didn't see him."
"You need to dig a little..."
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,151
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Post by graham on Apr 19, 2020 19:17:46 GMT -5
My best friend called me yesterday and said "I have two bits of bad news about your wife."
"OK, tell me"
"She's cheating on us..."
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,151
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Post by graham on May 13, 2020 14:35:37 GMT -5
After my wide died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years.
But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it.
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,151
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Post by graham on May 17, 2020 15:23:30 GMT -5
I was struggling to get my wife's attention
So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,151
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Post by graham on May 20, 2020 11:43:28 GMT -5
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graham
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Posts: 4,151
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Post by graham on May 29, 2020 5:49:34 GMT -5
I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, "Wow! That could have been me!"
Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus...
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graham
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Post by graham on Jun 9, 2020 6:45:39 GMT -5
So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week
She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."
I asked her: "What do you think it means?"
She smiled and said: "I don't know..."
Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.
I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.
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Bomber
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Post by Bomber on May 17, 2021 10:28:57 GMT -5
After a long illness, Miriam arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for God to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you." When God came back, Miriam said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," God told her. "Which word?" Miriam asked. God replied, "Love." Miriam correctly spelled "Love" and she was welcomed into Heaven. A few years later, God asked Miriam to watch the Gates of Heaven for the day. While Miriam was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband Arthur arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," Miriam said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," Arthur said. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Miriam told him. "Which word?" Arthur asked. Miriam replied "Czechoslovakia."
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Bomber
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Post by Bomber on Jun 26, 2021 11:27:56 GMT -5
A very talented man invented a voice automated AI driven robotic car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error. He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes. One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired. The man agreed and said to the car..."Car, go and bring my children from school." The car went and didn't return on time as expected, they knew something must be wrong. Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive. He dressed up and gotten ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children. The car parked right in front of them and said... "These are your children, sir..!" In the car were their tenant's two daughters, his wife's best friend's daughter, his secretary's son and their neighbors two sons. The wife in full anger😡... Don't tell me all these are your children..?? The man asked her calmly... First you tell me why our children are not in the car..😡😡😡??
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,151
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Post by graham on Oct 26, 2021 15:34:12 GMT -5
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graham
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Post by graham on Nov 3, 2021 16:23:59 GMT -5
Husband: I want you to have this bracelet, it belonged to my grandmother.
Wife: Why does it say "Do Not Resuscitate"?
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graham
Lieutenant
Posts: 4,151
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Post by graham on Nov 21, 2021 18:03:12 GMT -5
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Bomber
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Post by Bomber on Feb 22, 2022 17:09:25 GMT -5
Sam said to his friend Tom, I’m ready for a vacation. But this year I’m going to do it a little differently. The last few years I’ve taken your advice about where to go. Three years ago you told me to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marsha got pregnant. Then two years ago you told me to go to Italy, and Marsha got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Spain, and guess what? Marsha got pregnant again!” Tom asked: “So what are you going to do differently this year?” Sam replied: “This year I’m taking Marsha with me.”
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