The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE]

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Feb. 08 2004,15:52
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleeping
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
==========================================================
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Mar. 01 2004,06:53
Dear Abby,

My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The
other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in
a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on his
forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Sincerely,
Bitchy in Wisconsin

[MalcolmR]

Posted by CarolineMary on Mar. 02 2004,12:14
A couple were on a long road trip and got into an argument. It blew out of all proportion (as these things do) and for about an hour they drove in stony silence, neither willing to concede the point. As they passed a farm with a field full of jackasses, the husband spoke.

"Relatives of yours?" he asked.
"Yep" replied his wife, "In-laws"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Larry on Mar. 12 2004,05:37
A man asked his wife what she'd like for Mother's Day.

"I'd love to be six again, " she replied.

On the morning of Mother's Day, he arose early, got up & made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife & with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Bertie on Mar. 16 2004,01:29
A recently married couple are lying in bed, and the husband feels a little amorous. He starts to kiss his wife, and his hands start wandering.

"No, darling, not tonight," she says. "I have a gynecological exam in the morning, and I want to be fresh."

The husband rolls over. A minute later, he rolls back, and whispers in his wife's ear, "Have you got a dentist's appointment in the morning?"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by danil on Mar. 24 2004,20:20
A scene at City Hall in San Francisco

"Next."
"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Names?"
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers? You can't get married."
"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."
"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"
"All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"Names?"
"David Deets."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."
"That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by MJ on Aug. 23 2004,06:12
I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart.

I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realising that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all!

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited.

She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.


Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurt out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT??!!!"

I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs flyover a frozen hell while monkeys fly out her bum.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Gimpy on Nov. 05 2004,17:09
A buddy of mine and his wife were getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to him and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice,
"Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for him will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 a.m. at St.
Paul's Memorial Chapel.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Gimpy on Nov. 20 2004,00:12
ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and
firm.
In her thirties and forties, they are like pears, still nice but
hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how
many kinds of penises are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and then
answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.
In a man's twenties, his penis in his twenties it is like an oak,
mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Gimpy on Jan. 06 2005,07:48
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

[MalcolmR]

Posted by RickMc on Jan. 08 2005,05:13
Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking.

Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives.

It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at.

Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete?

And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Gosh, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, our neighbor from before we moved? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us.

And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us.

But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the remote is?

Love, Mike

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Gimpy on Jan. 28 2005,11:47
The definition 'Bravery'

True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys.....

Then.....being assaulted by your wife with a broom, And still having the guts to ask:

"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Gimpy on Feb. 06 2005,03:24
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant
when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a
man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice
you've been watching that man for some time now. Do
you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been
drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't
think anybody could celebrate that long."

Services will be held at 2:30pm Saturday at Green
Roots Mortuary

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Mahesh on Feb. 08 2005,08:47
Man kneeling by his bed, wife says

"What are you praying for?"

Husband says "Guidance"

Wife says "Pray for stiffness and I'll guide it myself!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Marcie on April 14 2005,22:13
Old Enough to Date

A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to diner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, "Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot."

The father explained, "No son, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman."

So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said.

Furious, the mother shouted, "Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on June 23 2005,22:56
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow our instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "you don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by scottswoodshop on June 26 2005,21:17
Q: What's the difference between a new job and a new bride?

A: After ten years, the job will still suck.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by RickMc on July 10 2005,08:25
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers that her boss told her not to reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African king pauses for awhile. Then he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have." Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. And as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build." Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Gimpy on July 11 2005,17:06
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.
He wanted a truck.
She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that.

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.



Justice is when you get what you deserve.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on July 26 2005,02:35
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Aug. 04 2005,11:27
Mr and Mrs Miller had supper in a restaurant. Mrs Miller found a dead fly in her soup. Disgusted, she called for the waiter. "Throw that creep out!" she demanded. So the waiter threw Mr Miller out.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Marcie on Aug. 11 2005,19:15
Mother-in-Laws

I know a mother-in-law who sleeps in her spectacles, the better to see her son-in-law suffer in her dreams. - Attributed to Ernest Coquelin

However much you dislike you mother-in-law you must not set fire to her. - Ernest Wild

Distrust all mothers-in-law. They are completely unscrupulous in what they say in court. The wife's mother is always more prejudiced against the husband than even the most ill-treated wife. If I had my way, I am afraid I would abolish mothers-in-law entirely. - Sir Geoffrey Wrangham

Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.

Sometimes you cannot tell if a man is trying so hard to be a success to please his wife or to spite his mother-in-law.

Does it really surprise anyone that Mother-in-Law's Day occurs less than one week before Halloween?

My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday. How is she now? She's fine. But, the dog died.

Hello. Your mother-in-law fell into my pool with crocodiles. The crocodiles are yours, so you save them.

A pharmacist tells a customer: In order to buy arsenic you should need a legal prescription. A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough.

Mother to daughter: Your boyfriend such a jerk that I would be delighted to be his mother-in-law.

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, ''Darling, its my mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric.'' The husband replied, ''How about a chair?!?''

The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door there was my mother-in-law on the front step. She said ''Can I stay here for a few days?'' I said: ''Sure you can.'' and shut the door in her face.

I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her. It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!

[MalcolmR]

Posted by RickMc on Aug. 12 2005,04:58
FEMALE PRAYER FOR MARRIAGE
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart, and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to
do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to: "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.


MALE PRAYER FOR MARRIAGE

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs,
Who owns a liquor store and a 2005 Harley that she'll let me ride alone.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Amen

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Marcie on Sep. 12 2005,20:30
Bitter Wedding

Below is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.

This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.

To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Screw you," he turned to the bride and said "Screw you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.

While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge?

Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests at the wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and, best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.

This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world; we just live in it.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Bertie on Sep. 23 2005,01:24
Courtesy of Mrs Bertie:

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that are not as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!

Now men ... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable enough to have with dinner.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Marcie on Sep. 23 2005,21:06
Making Progress

A couple attended marriage counseling to resolve communication
problems. The fighting and bickering during the session was so bad
the counselor called for a timeout and told them he was ending the
session early but had an assignment for the husband.

"John," the marriage counselor said, "you're an athletic guy, here's
what I want you to do. I want you to jog 10 miles everyday for the
next 30 days. At the end of the 30 days call me and let me know how
things are going."

John agreed.

At the end of the 30 days, John called the marriage counselor very
excited. "I did just as you said and I have never felt better in my
life!" he exclaimed over the phone.

"Great!" replied the counselor, "And how's your wife?"

John paused and then replied with agitated dismay, "How should I
know, I'm 300 miles from home!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Marcie on Sep. 26 2005,21:14
Four Weeks Left

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, "We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."

Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment.Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"

A gentleman said, "I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."

"Very good!" said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."

"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-law's house for the four weeks."

Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-law's home?"

Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, "Because, that would make them the longest four weeks of my life!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by JerryH on Sep. 29 2005,05:23
Gil's friend was having a bit of marital tension in his household and was trying to figure out just what to do about it.

In the course of their conversation, Gil mentioned, "You know, quite often God speaks to us through our spouse."

Gil's friend looked at him in amazement.

"Wow!" he said. "I didn't know God used that kind of language!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Marcie on Oct. 13 2005,22:15
I Want a Divorce

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Your EX-Wife


Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my brother's favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed,
Rich As Hell and Free!

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Marcie on Oct. 29 2005,10:36
True Mother-in-Law

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they argued before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.""Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."