The Blessed Sacrament of Marriage [MATURE]

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Gimpy on Oct. 21 2002,09:56
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

The man replies "Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Oct. 23 2002,16:03
A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.

He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph. He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.

By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."

"Oh, really," he says, "So what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Nov. 04 2002,04:03
A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell her that he had to "work late" and she said, "no problem."

After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He fell into a state of panic. What was he going to tell his wife?

He walked in the door and was greeted by his excited and happy dog. Inspired, he fell to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog.

Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and exclaimed, "Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!"

His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's nothing, look at what he did to my tits!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Nov. 04 2002,04:12
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.

Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.

"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."

He looked confused,

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.

"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Dec. 07 2002,18:48
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts."

He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Dec. 10 2002,17:05
Benny and Mark were at the bar chatting about how much their wives thought of them. Mark said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's great!"

Not to be out done, Benny said, "That's nothing. My wife simply worships me..."

Confused Mark asked, "She worships you? C'mon, what makes you say that?"

"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Shack on Dec. 13 2002,20:12
Ya know, married couples argue over the silliest shit. Just today at work, this one couple was arguing about what the weather would be the night of Santa's big trip. The husband insisted "There's gonna be snow honey" whereupon the wife retorted "No...There's gonna be rain dear"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Dec. 14 2002,06:12
One day at the start of a Sunday church service, All Hell literally broke through the floor and the devil himself jumped out. Everybody in the church ran for there lives except one old codger who was calmly sitting up front. The Devil perplexed by the old codger's lack of fear went over to him and asked the man if he new who he was? And sure enough the man knew he was the devil. The Devil ask if the old man was afraid of the having his life flicked away be a snap of his finger? And no the old codger had no fear. Finally the Devil ask why the old codger had no fear and the man replied " Well I have been married to your sister for 53 years, what can you do to me that she hasn't?"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Jan. 20 2003,21:14
The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use. So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes. Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word. Two more minutes went by, and he still wasn't talking.

Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone. I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call.

"Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Nan on Jan. 22 2003,02:02
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.

One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez, beautiful as ever. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. Without a doubt, "Yes, my Lord" cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me. But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said 'yes' this time."

The moral of the story is: WHENEVER A MAN LIES, IT IS FOR AN HONORABLE AND USEFUL REASON............!!!!!

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Jan. 27 2003,22:20
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Debby on Feb. 22 2003,16:34
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train. Although initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 2:00 a.m., he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by MJ on June 29 2003,12:27
One Saturday afternoon I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking a beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."

I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my RayBans and stared directly at this nosy bitch and calmly replied, "I am. That's why SHE cuts the grass."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on July 14 2003,13:02
Fran and Al were honeymooning in France, visiting all the historic sites. Today's highlight was to have been the visit to the famous bell tower at the Cathedral of Saint Lorraine near Nice. They had expected that the playing of the famous bells while they were in the tower would be one of their fondest memories of the trip.

They were the first in line on that cloudy morning to purchase tickets to enter the tower, when there was a sudden flash of lightning that struck the tower, totally destroying it.

The ticket-seller, surveying the results, immediately offered to sell tickets to see the ruins at half the usual price.

The newlyweds immediately accepted the offer thereby becoming the first husband and wife team to receive ... the no bell price.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by MJ on July 31 2003,14:36
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy he another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining room table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home.

Including the curtain rods.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by KimmyG on Aug. 01 2003,09:13
What is the difference between a mistress, a hooker, and a wife?

The mistress says, "Slower, slower"
The hooker says, "Faster, faster"
The wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Aug. 07 2003,05:30
A middle-aged woman convinced her husband to attend a couples retreat. At the first session, the facilitator said, "The fact is, no matter how long we've been married, there are many things we don't know about each other. For example, how many of you husbands can name your wife's favorite flower?"

The husband smiled knowingly, put his hand on his wife's knee, and said, "It's Pillsbury All-Purpose, right?"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Aug. 25 2003,16:57
Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs
in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have,
or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the
most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised
his hand and said, "Wedding Cake."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by MJ on Sep. 07 2003,15:54
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Sep. 08 2003,11:27
Todd's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to
make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle"
products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I
am?"

Looking her over carefully, Todd replied, "Judging from your skin,
twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Todd interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Gimpy on Sep. 09 2003,13:02
There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60
years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They kept no secrets from each other except that the old woman had a
shoebox in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never
to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day
the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time
that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money
totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married, " she said, "my grandmother told me the
secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got
angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him
two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.

"Honey," he said "that explains the doilies, but what about all of
this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies.

[MalcolmR]

Posted by MJ on Sep. 09 2003,16:27
A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.

"Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MOTHER!"

And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.

"But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"

"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, P L E A S E !!!"

"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother....words like:

DUST...WASH......IRON....COOK

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Oct. 14 2003,18:12
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lived for ten more years, and then died peacefully.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the fucking wall!""

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Oct. 16 2003,13:26
Key to a Happy Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful and loving couple."

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon on a pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.

My wife quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.

I started an angry protest over her treatment of the mule, when she looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once. And we lived happily ever after."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Oct. 20 2003,04:09
On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room.

Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs.

The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back with a potato around his penis.

The wife gave him a weird look, and then the husband replied: "If you're going as a sour-puss, I'm going as a dictator."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Oct. 23 2003,20:49
Barry woke up at home with a huge hangover. He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw were a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sat down and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Barry looked around the room and noticed that it was in perfect order, spotless, clean. He took the aspirins and noticed a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is ready, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he went to the kitchen and sure enough, a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper waited on the table. His son was also there, already eating. Barry inquired, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son replied, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, threw up in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Barry asked, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son responded, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, 'Lady leave me alone, I'm married!'"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by danil on Oct. 28 2003,04:55
One evening a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by MJ on Nov. 21 2003,10:29
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He sees his wife at the bathroom window & yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says, "What?"

The man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE THE RAKE"

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.

Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the friggin' hell was that?"

She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH!"

[MalcolmR]

Posted by danil on Dec. 30 2003,19:36
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly. Dear, you know that this car doesn't have a cruise control".

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP?"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh, good heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking too much."

[MalcolmR]

Posted by Guest on Jan. 03 2004,20:07
Bernie had a fight with Rachel, his wife, and went to the movies to cool off. Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the situation was and maybe even apologize.

"Hello, darling," he said, "what are you making for dinner?"

Rachel shrieks, "What am I making for dinner? After all the horrible things you said to me earlier, you want to know what I am making for dinner? Poison, that's what I'm making! Poison!"

Bernie replies, "Okay then, just make one portion, I'm not coming home."